I Otter Be Posting More

01/20/2012

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_Happy Friday, you guys. It was a pretty busy day for me. I had a Story Pirates gig and  TWO auditions - including a straight-to-callbacks session for a commercial. Skipping past first call and going straight to callbacks feels pretty awesome, but that wasn't even the highlight of my day. The highlight MIGHT have been around 9:30 am, when I was driving down Olympic Boulevard and an older gentleman in a beat-up pick-up truck started hollering at me.  It was one of those things where you hear noise and assume it's not directed at you, then you realize the screaming is an attempt to get your attention and you try to ignore it in case the person is angry or crazy? It turns out he wasn't angry or crazy, he just wanted to know if I had seen the commercial "with the woman who goes camping."

All of this stuff made for an awesome, fun-filled day. But the top moment has to go to the moment I laid eyes on this otter video. Look at these guys following their little otter dreams. LOOOOOOK AT IIIITTTTTT.

See you tomorrow!
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How to Coolness: The Third

01/10/2012

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If you're just catching up (and who isn't in this crazy work-a-day world), I am constantly offering you, John Q Internet, informative tips on how to coolness. Coolnessing and how to do it are chronicled in my multi-part series "How to Coolness." How many parts are there in the series? I thought you'd never ask! No really, I thought you'd never ask and so I didn't make a plan. Oops! I mean, I planned the entire series out very carefully and am working on a multi-billion dollar book deal as we speak! Note to you, the reader: Do not point out the fact that "multi-part" is implied by "series".

When you see the jumping cat, you'll know what to do. And that's read more after.. THE JUMP!

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Weta

12/17/2011

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Well well well, remember way back when I first told you about the new hitt Funvention Korner? YOU didn't think it was feasible. You're such a doubting Thomas! 


Thomas you may eat your ugly hat, because the idea was clearly a success from the beginning. We still have not raised Kitty Carlisle from the dead but we remain very positive that once we do, she will be thrilled to host. In the meantime, ideas for new inventions are coming in constantly all the time 24-7. In a moment you will read about one of the most exciting ideas that is guaranteed to change the way we eat, forever. that will BLOW YOUR MIND and HOPEFULLY ALSO YOUR FOOD BUDGET. 

I was driving by a Whole Foods and noticed how awful busy it was. Seems like there are more and more Whole Foodseses popping up more and more every day. Seems as though everybody is into looking like they eat healthy these days! And I'd estimate that at least 50 percent of those healthy eatin' jerks are going gluten-free. Did I say jerks, because I meant POTENTIAL CUSTOMERS!

It seems like I can't shake a stick two feet without running into a gluten-free jerk- I mean potential customer! These poor schlubs must get awfully tired of the limited alternatives to wheat that currently exist. I've come up with an amazing new bread replacement product that sounds so similar to wheat, these jerks, I mean potential customers, won't even know they're not eating wheat! Introducing:

WETA BREAD: The Only Wheatless Bread With the Name That Makes You Think There is Wheat In It! (tm)

Maybe the slogan needs work. But hey,  Rome wasn't built in a day! And Rome was VERY profitable! I mean, just think of all the amazing products we can make that the word 'Weta" will just slide right into:

WETA BRAN
WETA THINS
WETA BITES
WETABITS
WETABLES
WETAGURT
CREAM OF WETA
WETAGURT: For Kids!

Oh, what is a Weta, you ask? 
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How to Coolness

12/01/2011

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This post is the first in a series I'll probably call Coolness: A How-to Guide. It's hard to say what I'll definitely call the series because this is just the first post! In a series! Series means many! Oh, perhaps you were expecting THE FUTURE? What am I, some kind of planning-ahead psychic genie? Why don't you go ask Miss Cleo to as Doc Brown about what the title will be, hippie? 


Coolness tips start after... THE JUMP!
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Animals Be Shoppin'!

11/25/2011

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Oh hey guys, Black Friday! Wooo! The day in which the absolute worst aspect of humanity are trotted out for capture by an atypically watchful media! WOOOOOOOOOoooT!! This year brought out gun-totin' in the East and pepper sprayin' in the West. And all across America, our Facebook walls were filled with the self-important comparisons to Occupy Wall Street and/or explanations of useless crap bought on Facebook walls:  "So itz ok to camp outside stoeres when u buy somethin? Occupy WS 5eva! Also bought sum super cute booootz!" 

I can't take this fake holiday. I can't take it even more than I can't take all the other, slightly less fake holidays. The other fake holidays at least coat their marketability and profiteering with a thin veneer of legitimate human emotion. This fake holiday has no redeeming qualities. This fake holiday is like a spoiled-ass only child, whining for attention from the grown-ups who are just trying to have a nice conversation about Pakistan and the Euro zone crisis so will you please SHUT UP little Melissa? 

Anway, Black Friday is dumb and any mentions of it in the press that do not include pictures of animals posed as if they were shopping are dumber still. Therefore, I humbly submit to you Animals Be Shoppin': A Gallery. It is quite literally the best Black Friday coverage that has ever existed. Pictures after the jump. 
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Bizarro Turkey am sad you not eat Bizarro turkey

11/23/2011

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Yo I heard the dumbest thing on the radio today. There's apparently some farm in upstate New York where you can buy a turkey. But when you buy this turkey, you don't take it home to eat it. You don't even take it home to let it strut around your yard, staring blankly and gobbling at nothing particular.  This turkey stays on the freakin' farm and once a year, you go to this farm and you feed the turkey. Whaaaaaat? Is this like, Bizarro Turkey farm? Is this a turkey farm from some Yakov Smirnoff punchline? Is this some alternate universe turkey farm where turkeys are in charge and they run for turkey congress and in turkey middle school they read books such as Human Farm by acclaimed author George Orwattle?
Yakov sez: "I also would have accepted 'George Boarwell.' What a country!" 
Seriously though, what a weird concept. It's not weird that people don't want to eat turkeys, or even that they want to create a little haven for turkeys in upstate New York. It's the ceremony of feeding them an elaborate meal that includes fancy salad, pumpkin pie, and decorative squash centerpieces. This sounds like some Egyptian cat-worship shit, and we all know how well THAT turned out. For those that don't know: it did not turn out well. 
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BANDebuT

11/22/2011

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Tonight was my debut show with my new improv team BANDIT and it ent SWIMMMMMMINGLY! To clarify, I mean the kind of swimmingly where everyone knows how to swim! Not the kind where your Dad throws you in the pool and says "You'll figure it out!" Awesome!

I'm thrilled with the team and I'm so thankful to be a part of it. Muretta, Tom, Darrin, BOC - thank you all for coming out to the show. Popular Science, thank you for setting such a high standard of ensemble work. BANDIT has a lot to live up to. I can't wait to play with you all again. 

Ok, I'm tired. I leave you with a video of a cockatoo feeding a dog. Goodnight everybody!
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Post Title.

11/20/2011

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GUYS! I had the privilege of spending Saturday night on set. It was pretty awesome. We were shooting a scene from Groundhog Day and I was playing the role of Rita. I did a perfect Andie MacDowell impression and everyone went home totally blown away.

Naw, for real: I didn't do an Andie MacDowell impression. Though, note to self: work on Andie MacDowell impression. Also, why is that bitches' name so hard to spell? I have better things to look up in Google, such as "what is that weird noise my car is making", and also "pugs in costumes". 
Do not eff with this, Andie. 
Even Andie's case of Extra Vowel Syndrome can't put a damper on the good time I had shooting. Set is one of my favorite places to be, alongside on stage and underneath a check with a lot of zeroes.  However, I learned a valuable lesson and thought it important to share with anyone who may be out there looking for a Lil' Set Tip. Ready? Here goes:

DO NOT EAT THE FOOD YOUR CHARACTERS ARE EATING IN THE SCENE.

No matter how hungry you are when you start shooting, if you eat and swallow the food in the scene on every take, you are going to want to puke after like an hour. And unless you want to get a reputation as "That actor who's weirdly open about his/her eating disorder", you'd best spit that shit out.

That's all for now!
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