CHUCKLESLUTS: A Sexy Story About Sex
Chapter 5: Two Ladies of Ver-Bone-a

Crystal had just signed up for the Open Mic. Or had she? 

Crystal and Todd frenched at it. They frenched and frenched so much that the people around them started to crave voting for Francois Hollande. All around them, bread was turning into baguettes and movies were turning into recordings of people smoking and complaining.  

Crystal pulled away from Todd's soft and pliant lèvres de humid just long enough to moan, "Is that the Eiffel Tower in your pants, or are you just experiencing penis ossification?" Todd laughed, and also, cried.

Suddenly, they were interrupted! The woman at the sign up table called out "Crys? Is there someone named Crys?" She looked around and saw Todd and Crystal,  and remembered that Crystal had just written the letters C, R, Y, and S, in that order. She stared at the young comedian, mentally undoing her scarf. Then she asked, "Are you Crys?" 

"Close. It's Crystal, but I only got halfway through writing it before I got really distracted," Crystal replied.


"I'd say you got DICKstracted," Todd chimed in, with the comedic timing of a nude Henny Youngman. 

Crystal laughed, her nipples hardening like cheese left in the fridge unwrapped. She felt them poke against her clothes, like two baby chicks trying to be born right where here boobs were. Two breast chicks poking their way out of her shirt egg with their nipple beaks. Crystal squeezed her nipple beaks, pushing and pulling them like a farmer who wasn't sure whether to help the baby chicks out of the egg or suffocate them on the spot. 

The open mic sign up lady watched Crystal mush her boobs all around and thought about her own boobs. Her boobs were there, on her chest, yearning for the touch of either a man or woman, really anybody with opposable thumbs. She began to sweat under her nurse's costume, a costume she wore to run an Open Mic sign up at a comedy club because it totally made sense, that's why. The nurse's crotch began to get hot and  approachable. She began to roll up her skirt to expose it to some nice dry air so that it could evaporate, because it was moist with wetness. Crystal noticed the effect she was having on the sexual nurse and also Todd, who had forgotten to say anything for a while because he was trying to think of a follow-up pun. But now his eyes were fully focused on Crystal and then also on this other lady, her name didn't matter, because it was looking like two chicks might start doing at it. 

Next time on ChuckleSluts: Are Two Chicks Going to Doing At It?

BRILLIANT ADVERTISING SLOGANS AKA MY FINEST WORK
Divided Into Categories Somewhat Arbitrarily

SOME THINGS
Wal-Mart: Spend Less. Weep More.
Snickers: Because You Have Always Wanted to Eat the Concept of Cruel Laughter
Toyota Camry: It's Like Driving a Potato!
Spanx: For The Distinguished Lady Who Wants to Feel Like a Sausage
Hot Pockets: Now 10% More Food-esque!
Jagermeister: She Can't Say No (Because She's Unconscious)
Science Diet Dog Food: At Least Your Dog Won't Be Fat
AARP: We Don't Pronounce the Acronym as it Sounds Like Death Gasps
Sprite: The Albino Soda


A FEW MORE
Globes: They're Round Maps!
Hats: Goes on Your Head- Not THAT One!
California: One Better Than Calithreenia
Macaroni: It Will Silence Your Awful Children One Way or Another
Flash Drives: Not What It Meant in the 80's
Hoodies: The Fabric Hug You'll Never Get From Your Parents
Condoms: Goes on Your Head- Not THAT One!

ENDING!

When we last left Crystal and Todd, Crystal was about to sign up for the Open Mic. Ever since seeing a stand up special on TV, it's been her dream to sign up for an Open Mic. Will she sign up for the Open Mic?

Crystal signed up for the Open Mic. Her long, witchy fingers wrapped around the pencil like a farmer holding a cow nipple in a sexy way. Todd watched her with integrity and also the desire to do it. He could not believe he had found this woman on the street, this incredible woman who could both wear clothes attractively and do jokes. He could not wait to get her somewhere a little less depressing than a local comedy club's open mic night to totally pound her.

Crystal speculated that Todd was watching her sign up. She signed each letter of her name slowly, saying it out loud in a whispery breath. "C," she said huskily. "R. Y. S." She paused roughly halfway through her name and winked both eyes at Todd. Each eyelid bounced up and down slowly, and it reminded Todd of sex somehow. He immediately began to put his hand inside his pants.

"Crystal, if you  need any help coming up with a punchline..." he trailed off uncontrollably.

"Don't worry, Todd. I've got all the jokes I need, right.... HERE." She punctuated the word here by pointing to her vagina. Todd laughed, because he found this clever, and also his boner got bigger.

Crystal walked over to Todd, unbuttoning her blouse and exposing her bare cardigan. Her hips swayed like two ships doing it on the water. "I'm going to start with the difference between men and women. Why is it that men are always watching TV and burping, when women are always getting paid less for the same work?" She draped her right arm over Todd's shoulder and draped her left arm over her shoulder, to show him that men and women are equal. Then she frenched him SUPER hard.

I'm all outta steam. If this didn't do it for you, you'll just have to pick up a copy of Clan of the Cave Bear to finish off. I don't know where else you'll find writing as sexy as this.