Since it's been over a month since the last chapter of Chucklesluts: A Sexy Story About Sex, you know that this next and third chapter must be the most amazing thing anyone has ever read. Everyone knows that good things come to those who wait, patience is a virtue, etc etc. So, by the transitive property, the most excruciatingly best writing occurs on blogs with weeks and weeks separating each event. Jack Kerouac would try to convince you that he wrote all his "masterpieces" in one sitting, but are you going to believe that Demerol addict? Also: he's dead. Long-dead. So if Jack Kerouac is grifting you, I'd say that you got PROBLEMS. This is the part of the post where I include the traditional warning that the content may be NSFW. There are no pictures - except for the disgusting dirty pictures you imagine in your mind, pervert! You're disgusting!!! So if you don't feel safe at work, then enjoy this picture of what I assume is a dog being carried up and away to Dog Heaven. I'll bet he's thinking of all the "bones" he's going to "bury" up there.
Little-known fact: Dog Heaven is swarming with dog pussy. Look at that, I still managed to filth it up before the jump. Well, there goes my career as children's party clown and/or office job asshole. Oh well.
Read more of Chucklesluts, Chapter 3 by clicking on READ MORE!
What up, dinugses! Long time no bloggy! That's because I was busy curing all diseases and then deciding that the world wasn't ready for a germ-free utopia. Also, I wrote & shot this sketch with my "gal pal" Meg Favreau. Note: "gal pal" is short hand for "gallon palette", cause Meg and I used to work on the docks together and put gallons of things on palettes. "Gal pal" is tough dock talk, not sissy girly gab nonsense. This lil' nugget is called "Advice From the Bronte Sisters." Enjoy! Pretty much how we roll. Meg and I are working on more material, so if you enjoyed that (and who doesn't enjoy helpful advice from the world's most famous sisters who aren't god damned Deschanels.
Hey guys! A few months back I had a part in a webseries called CONSEQUENCES. The series debuted a couple of months ago, and guess what! We're up for an Indie Intertube Award! While of course it's an honor just to be nominated, everyone likes winning and nobody likes losing. I'd be pleased as punch to be part of an award-winning web series, so here's how you can help: Check out the series at Con-sequences.com . I'm in episode 6.If you like what yous ee and find us worthy, go to Indie Intertube and select ConSequences, then hit the vote button! You can vote as often as you like, but you gotta do it before Wednesday.
This is Chapter 2 of Chucklesluts, my sexually hot fictional story. Wait, should the title be underlined, italicized, or in quotes? Does erotica fall under the banner of MLA style guidelines? Quick, somebody call the respective estate of Strunk and White! I hear those guys knew a thing or two about sexy, sexy style. Chapter 1 is here. Just as in the last post, the chapter is located after the jump. I'm sort of sensitive to you schlubs who might work in an a horrible office environment that could get pissy about you reading fake erotica. Wait did I say fake erotica, because I meant the most tantalizing chapter of written filth you have ever read. Yes, that's right, it is even sexier than the sequels to The Clan of the Cave Bear. No pictures, just text. So the NSFW rating is up to you. If you don't want to risk it, here is a photo everyone can enjoy! Awwwww. The bear thinks he's people! I like to imagine that this bear is Nature's CEO, and this picnic table is his mighty desk. He has called us into his office to fire us... from being alive! Oh no, run!
Enough of these Safe For Work distraction shenanigans! For the real deal, read more after ... the JUMP!
America, I have bills to pay. This should be of no surprise to anyone because I am a) an adult and b) not a spoiled nitwit. Paying bills is going okay, but like most of you I could use a little financial security buffer. What if I were to have an emergency, such as an immediate and pressing need for as many pretzel M&Ms as could fit into a pool? It has come to my attention that the adult industry is extremely lucrative, financially, and requires little to no actual talent. I figure, why not ride this ocean wave until it stops waving and becomes just some loser motionless lake. So if you are over 18, totally feelin' ready to think about boning, and not currently reading this on a public library computer (cause that is just messed up, bro), then read more!
Um, this post may be NSFW. There's no dirty pictures or anything (sorry), but I don't want to be held responsible if your dumb job can't handle swear words, white-hot text-based erotica (or as I like to call it, "white-hot sext-based e-write-ica"), or gross misconceptions of what is sexy on my part.
Guys, I think I have solved a problem. A lot of the time I am running from thing to thing to thing, and when you're running from thing to thing to thing, there just isn't a reliable internet connection. Sure I have a smartphone, because I am not some loser Luddite caveperson. But while smartphones are excellent for reading email and allowing the government to read your thoughts, they area not actually great for writing email and writing you thoughts to the government. Common thread: it sucks to type on a tiny device! Unless you are the Borrowers and you are already tiny, and then a smartphone isn't a phone at all; rather it is an extremely fun dance floor for your entire family. But recently I figured out how to use my phone as a portable wireless router (read: I am not a loser Luddite caveman!). This means I can bring a laptop and type, type, type away - then post to the internet! I can even do it from the comfort of my car as I am parked outside of a tutoring client's house. Boy, they have a nice house. I wonder what they do for a living? Probably not tutor. Anyway, the benefit is that I no longer have an excuse not to bring you excellent, amazing content such as the whole entry up until this point (don't read the rest, it's all downhill from here!). Also, this: The 23 most Hilariously Bad Knockoff BrandsPersonally I find the "Shupie" is the superior product
_Happy Friday, you guys. It was a pretty busy day for me. I had a Story Pirates gig and TWO auditions - including a straight-to-callbacks session for a commercial. Skipping past first call and going straight to callbacks feels pretty awesome, but that wasn't even the highlight of my day. The highlight MIGHT have been around 9:30 am, when I was driving down Olympic Boulevard and an older gentleman in a beat-up pick-up truck started hollering at me. It was one of those things where you hear noise and assume it's not directed at you, then you realize the screaming is an attempt to get your attention and you try to ignore it in case the person is angry or crazy? It turns out he wasn't angry or crazy, he just wanted to know if I had seen the commercial "with the woman who goes camping."
All of this stuff made for an awesome, fun-filled day. But the top moment has to go to the moment I laid eyes on this otter video. Look at these guys following their little otter dreams. LOOOOOOK AT IIIITTTTTT.
See you tomorrow!
This is Part 2 in a series of writings on the great philosophers that I call PHUN with Philosophy. PHUN is an acronym for "Patiently Having Unbelievable NACHOS," and NACHOS is an acronym for "New Appreciation for Classic Higher-Order Studies". If you'd like to take a moment to go back and catch yourself up, you may do so here. But if you're like most members of the human race, you're lazy. So I'll summarize thusly: my boyfriend earned his undergraduate degree in philosophy and shares his knowledge with me. I translate what he says for the masses. You, dear reader, are the masses. Congratulations! You belong to something! In Part 1 we covered Plato, Socrates, and Aristotle. Today we are time-traveling all the way forward past the Dark Ages and into an era both important historical scholars and I like to call "The Fruity Years." I'm devoting the entire entry to this one dude, as his contributions to modern thought were so far-reaching and influential that he truly deserves a dedicated entry in some random comedian's blog. Also, I was tired of talking about philosophy and wanted to go back to watching 30 Rock. To find out just who this important 17th century thinker is, read more after... THE JUMP!
Hey dorkfaces. So you may or may not be aware that evolution is the bomb. Evolution by natural selection is an elegant and simple explanation for the vast variety of life that we see on our planet. Now normally this is the part where I'd link to a Wikipedia page where you can read all about evolution, but they're dark for the SOPA protest. SOPA protest, eh? Kind of makes me picture Mario and Luigi getting upset about taking a sudsy bath, but Congress can do what it likes. So go ahead and read up on evolution and evolution by natural selection (Hint! They are not one and the same!), perhaps at your local library. Try the West Hollywood library, it is niiiiiiiiiiice!I'm always looking for an evolutionary basis for modern human behavior. It is a fun game for me because no one ever wants to play with me and so I always win. But the other day, as I was crying into a my pillow which was a sweatshirt I found in the dumpster, I was thinking about depression. Just what exactly is the evolutionary purpose of depression? HMMMMMMMMMM, DARWIN? I guess... sadness makes us taste bad to lions? Just imagine, roughly 50,000 years ago or whatever, a sabre-toothed cat was stalking one of our ancestors out on the Savannah (and I'm NOT talkin' Savannah, Georgia! Wheeeedle boyyyy!). Our ancestor, we'll call him Og, had three options to choose from. ONE: Get scared, run away.TWO: Get angry, fight lion.THREE: Do nothing, become lion food. Or did he? Because maybe, just maybe, depression is as off-putting to predators as it is to friends and potential sex partners! Og was all "Oh hey lion, what's up. Just standing here in the Savannah where nobody loves me. I woke up today... wished I hadn't. It's like you wake up, go out on the mammoth hunt, sit around the fire that Derg invented, go to bed, then wake up and do it all over again. Derg invented fire. I'll never invent anything. You know what I mean, lion? Lion?" But the lion doesn't answer because a) the lion doesn't have the capacity for language and b) hoooo boy, that lion is hella outta there! That lion likes a nice tender caveman but depressed meat tastes all tough and gamey! So all I'm saying is that Og shouldn't have been so sad because he truly left us, humanity, a fine legacy. Which of course means that he SHOULD be so sad, because if he hadn't been so sad, he would have been eaten by the lion, which means... oh no! Some kind of paradox! Quick, provide a link to a squirrel dressed in elaborate outfits and run away!THE END
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