Guys I'm so sorry I couldn't think of anything to say or do for today's post. Yes, you've read it here first: I'm all out of ideas, forever. But rather than shut down the blog and become an actuary (because actuary school is pretty hard), I decided to invite a special guest blogger:My second cousin Leanne! Leanne and I are cousins through an arranged marriage. She hails from the small mountain town of Catholics-on-the-Spit, Arkansas. Her hobbies include purifying water and forward email chain letters. Today, she is going to do some book reviews! I apologize in advance for her use of all caps; she has very little knowledge of internet etiquette. Her understanding of table etiquette is pretty poor as well. In fact, the only etiquette she really has a handle on is stable etiquette. Small town living, huh?
The most wonderful thing about the internet is neither the democratization of content creation nor the abundance of cute animal GIFs. It's not even the plethora of free pornography. Nay, the best thing about the existence of THE INTERNET is that it allows me natter on about the trivial details of my day! HOOORAY! BEHOLD, THE MIGHTY WONDERS OF THE INANITY OF MY EXISTENCE!
8:30am: Wake up to neighbor noisily throwing recyclables into the bins by window.
10:05am: Get out of bed. Realize nails are starting to look like Howard Hughes' or Halle Berry' circa B*A*P*S.
10:17am: Begin frantic search for nail clippers; find only the small ones. WHAT FRESH HELL IS THIS?!!?
12:15 Get robo-call from political campaign. Yell and swear at robot and feel like a big man.
12:18pm: Boyfriend asks "Did you just yell at a robo-call? Act coy.
1:26pm: Find food scraps in the building's recycling bin; yell "Come on, neighbors! We're trying to have a society here!". Hope it was the noisy-bin neighbor; hope that that neighbor is currently trying to nap.
1:34pm: Eat healthy "meal" of carrots and celery right out of the bag because, hey, washing and peeling are for suckers. I mean that is just what the Dial soap and infectious disease medication lobbies want you to do.
1:36pm: Growl at boyfriend when he reaches for a bite of celery. Feel sort of guilty about it.
3:07pm: Go to bathroom, make half-assed attempt to close the door. Realize while on the toilet that not caring if the door open means your love is real.
3:08pm FIND NAIL CLIPPER UNDER HAIRBRUSH!!!
3:15pm: Nails now look like Halle Berry's circa New Year's Eve.
3:20pm: Wonder whether it is weird to contemplate love on the toilet.
Bonus post! Two in one day? That's just crazy. This is a quickie, and relatively content-free post, folks. My sketch duo has a brand new video up at Funny or Die today. It's one of those high-energy fashion montages from the movies... sort of.
Check it out, and if you enjoy it, vote it "funny"! Every click helps one child achieve his or her wildest dreams! Note: I am the child, and I dream about you clicking on buttons on the internet. My dreams are not so wild.
Carl Linnaeus, also known after his ennoblement as Carl von Linné, was a Swedish botanist, physician, zoologist, and furious masturbator. Linnaeus laid the foundations for the modern scheme of binomial nomenclature and wanked it several times a day. He is known as the father of modern taxonomy, but not as the father of millions of children, as his sperm was rarely released inside a woman's vagina. He is also considered one of the fathers of modern ecology. Many of his writings were in Latin, and many of his masturbatory sessions were performed one-handed.
Linnaeus was born in the countryside of Småland, in southern Sweden. Linnaeus received most of his higher education at Uppsala University, where he earned a reputation for regularly placing one sock on his door knob and the other sock on his flesh knob. He lived abroad between 1735 and 1738, where he published a first edition of his Systema Naturae, and "published his autobiography", if you know what I mean. In the 1740s, he was sent on several journeys through Sweden to find and classify plants and animals and "commune with nature." In the 1750s and 60s, he continued to collect and classify animals, plants, and minerals, as well as play a little bit of the ol' five-versus-one. At the time of his death, he was one of the most acclaimed scientists in Europe and one of the most accomplished self-pleasure devotees.
The Swiss philosopher Jean-Jacques Rousseau sent him the message: "Tell him I know no greater man on earth, but tell him to lay off the dong-walking once in a while." The German writer Johann Wolfgang von Goethe wrote: "With the exception of Shakespeare and Spinoza, I know no one among the no longer living who has influenced me more strongly, and who has spent more time jerking his own chicken." Swedish author August Strindberg wrote: "Linnaeus was in reality a poet and wanker who happened to become a naturalist". Among other compliments, Linnaeus has been called Princeps botanicorum (Prince of Botanists), "The Pliny of the North," and "Hands Solo".
Linnaeus' last years were troubled by illness. He developed sciatica in 1773, and the next year, he had a stroke which partially paralysed him, but left him the use of at least one masturbating arm. He suffered a second stroke in 1776, losing the use of his right side and leaving him bereft of his memory; while still able to admire his own writings, he could not recognize himself as their author (although he could certainly remember how to wrestle the human snake). In December 1777, Linnaeus had another stroke which greatly weakened him (and made masturbation extremely difficult), and eventually led to his death on 10 January 1778. He was survived by several children whom he had fathered during group masturbation episodes (also known as: sex).
THE MORE YOU KNOOOOOOOOOOOOOW
PSALM OIL CHAPTER 3
LARD, how are they greased that trouble me! many are they that rise up against me and my cooking.
Butter thou, O LARD, art a shield for me; my glory, and the lifter up of mine head.
I cried unto the LARD with my voice, and he heard me out of his holy hill.
I laid me down and slept; I awaked; for the LARD sustained me.
PSALM OIL CHAPTER 2 VERSE 11
Serve the LARD with fear, and rejoice with trembling.
Kiss the Son, lest he be angry, and ye perish from the way, when you did not use enough salt to preserve the saltpork
PSALM OIL CHAPTER 23
The LARD is my shepherd, I shall not want dinner.
Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of vegetarian options, I will fear no tofu, for you are with me; thy ham and thy side dishes comfort me
Thou preparest a table before me in the presence of mine enemies: thou anointest my head with monounsaturated fats; my cup runneth over.
Surely goodness and mercy and high cholesterol shall follow me all the days of my life: and I will dwell in the house of the LARD for ever.
YO THIS CHURCH IS WEIRRRRD
Works on contingency? No! Money down!