HOW DOES DEPRESSION HURT?!?!?
Every deer. Where does depression hurt? In every deer's heart. HOW DOES DEPRESSION HURT?!?!? AAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH This message brought to you by a man recently fired from a Cymbalta marketing campaign
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Crapsnacks: The Monster Made of Crap Pat the Bunny Molester All Dads Go To Prison The Seven Habits of the Highly Effectively Toilet-Trained The Little Engine Who Fat-Shamed The Lion, The Witch, and... Oh Who Are We Fooling, We Are Talking About Jesus Horton Hears a Rumor Existential Stories from Sideways Hell A Series of Unfortunate Career Decisions by Limpity Bizkit Lil' Boots: The Lil'est Nazi War Criminal Sara, Plain and Tall Until The Breast Enhancement Surgery Goodnight, World The Adjustable Rate 30-Year-Mortgage Tree HGTV. Pinterest. The Self-Help section. What do these things have in common? They epitomize the Great America Dream best conveyed in the classic Irving Berlin lyrics "Anything you can do I can do better." Actually, in keeping with the spirit of the song, I can express that better as "Anything anyone else can do, I can do cheaper!" This is America, damnit! This is the nation that invented bootstraps and subsequently the ability to pull yourself up by them! Why would you pay someone your hard-earned money to do something for you when you can do it yourself?!
D-I-Y OR D-I-E, BITCHES! after the jump. It's January 2nd, people! Today happens to be one of my favorite days of the year, along with December 26th, November 1st, and February 15th, to name a few. If you're too busy crying over your Christmas Tree receipt to catch what those dates have in common, I'll spell it out for you: those are the dates when all the loser stores put all of their failure swag on pity sale and you, the cost-conscious consumer, can buy! buy! BUY! at reduced! Reduced! REDUCED!!! prices! Election Day pumpkin? Yes, please! Pearl Harbor Day Turkey? It's a meal that will live in infamy! Don't flap your jaw about lamb this and lion that, because in my house March comes in like a cupid and out like a cupid. We hunt for eggs on Mother's Day, god damn it.
January 2nd is, of course, the day after New Year's Day. The date may seem obvious to many of you, but remember that this blog is targeted towards the type of person that is waiting until August to buy his or her 2014 "Just Pomeranians!" calendar. But now that we're all on the same page, and that page is January 2nd, (which features a picture of a perky pomeranian in a field of poppies), we can get to the good stuff: Discount New Year's Resolutions! Sure, you could go to a second-hand store and get used resolutions. But you'll have to spend hours picking through piles of "Lose weight" and "Quit smoking" before you get to anything good. When you finally find something worth resolving, it'll be smothered in the unmistakable stench of human failure. Bleccch. Not even bleach will get that out. To get you excited about the prospect of a good bargain, here's a list of brand-new-in-the-box, mint condition Resolutions that you can take home at rock-bottom prices! - Finally write PUPS! The Musical About Dogs (tm) because fuck cats, that's why. - Fart in all of the continental 48 states (Alaska & Hawaii: 2015) - Redesign the statue of liberty to look more like the Starbucks Logo - Enter a contest or a room (whichever comes first) - Change any gondola ride sign to "gonadola ride" - get to 2nd base while watching Cry, the Beloved Country - Eat a pastry made by a Vietnam Vet - Quit smoking... hams - Become the Horse Yeller - Convince cul-de-sac to send least popular family adrift on an ice floe, Innuit-style - Write the Great Estonian novel - Follow a rainbow all the way to the end and shoot it - Take one thing for granted every single day - Finish master's in comparative anthropology thesis on microcultural differences between Mannequin and Mannequin II: On the Move - Build time machine and go to prom with Bill Nye and/or Neil deGrasse Tyson - Put butt somewhere it does NOT belong!!! Now that's what I call Resolution, Volume NEW!!! Don't worry if none of these are to your taste; there are plenty more marked-down resolutions out there to satisfy even the pickiest of people. Now if you'll excuse me, I have to go put this angel... of democracy... on top of my President's Day tree, If you think it is hard to find a job in this economy as a human, imagine how hard it is as an elf! There are literally three jobs you can apply for:
1) Santa Elf 2) Cookie baker 3) Hollywood stereotype Well, that's not entirely true. There are a lot of jobs an elf can apply for. There are far fewer jobs that he or she can get. In the spirit of the celebrating the holidays by comparing yourself to living things that have it worse than you, here are three resumes from various elves that were recently not hired for jobs. Ah, December. The snow is blowin', the chestnuts are a-roastin', and the neighbors' yards are eyesorein'. That can mean only one thing: the ho-ho-holidays are upon us! Whoops, silly me, there I go using the plural objective pronoun "we" when we all know that this holiday season you're alone, desperately alone! Yeah yeah yeah, you have friends and family, but none that you are willing to put on pants to see. Despite your inability to find the will to interact with other human beings, you'll need to eat. Declining eVite after eVite burns more calories than you'd think! But what to eat? You could get delivery again, but the pizza guy is starting to give you worried looks. What you're really in the mood for is a home-cooked meal free from the judgement of a teenager in an ugly ballcap. But all of those so-called recipe sites only publish recipes for 2-4 people or, even more horrifying, parties of 8 or more! What is a loner to do? Great news! Which you probably guessed because of the title of the blog! Me, Alexis Simpson, self-proclaimed Food and Sadness Expert, Ph.D. and D.D.S, has written a thoroughly researched* recipe book for those about to dine alone. Because the only difference between "Dine alone!" and "Die alone!" is the letter N! I'm pretty sure that's from Sesame Street. *thorough research not guaranteed 1. Sunscreen 2. Onion vapor 3. Salon-grade conditioner 4. Weeping Angels aka Lonely Assassins aka HOLY FUCK DOCTOR HELLLLLLLP MEEEEEEE 5. Youthful glimmer! 6. A camel, tryin' to squeeze through like he dust or somethin' 7. Chaz Dean oh god no Chaz Dean AIEEEEEEEEEEEEEE CHAZ DEAN 8. My own finger. Sigh. 9. Contact. No, not contacts, Contact. The film. No one should have to watch that. 10. This isn't technically me eye? But I did get Eye of the Tiger stuck in my brain? And since my brain is attached to my eye? I think it counts. 11. Contacts. No, not Contact, contacts. I don't wear them dopey pot lids for corneas 12. Tearz |
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