"Inordinate" is probably an appropriate way to describe any amount of time spent thinking about the film How the West Was Fun. I mean, maybe not for anyone who is a preteen girl in the 1990's, or receiving residual checks from performing in the film, or who has a Korsakoff's-like brain disorder that keeps them tragically frozen in time as a preteen girl in the 1990's. 

I'm not a preteen, it's 2016, so far I only get residuals from The Brittany Murphy Story, and I am pretty sure I don't have brain damage. So I don't meet the criteria of "person for whom it is reasonable to think about a semi-obscure* Olsen twins movie". The weirdest thing is that I have never even seen it. I was too old to catch the Olsen twins fever that felled a nation weakened by years of exposure to TGIF.  I watched Full House like millions of other idiots, but never understood why a snot-gurgling toddler garbling "You got it, dude" was cute in any way. I identified more with Stephanie Tanner, who was probably supposed to fulfill the role of "cute kid with wacky catch phrase" on the show, but got edged into Forgotten Middle Child as soon as those dumb babies grew up and started jabberin' their sound-holes. But I digress. The point is that I think about this movie a lot. And through all that a-ruminatin' an' a-broodin' I kept returning to might be the most important question before the American people:

Have the Olsen Twins ever played characters whose mother is alive?

Their breakout role, of course, was before they could even talk, as the progeny of Danny Tanner and some dead woman. In Two of a Kind, they were sisters constantly pushing their widowed dad into the arms of their Sarah McLachlan-esque babysitter. And, according to Wikipeida, the plot of How The West Was Fun is spurred by a letter... from their dead mother? Or from their alive grandmother about their dead mother? It doesn't matter and I'm not going back to look. 

If modern life has taught many two things, it's 1) don't be afraid to ask for help and 2) crowdsource it, B! So I posed the question on various social media sites. Some diehard fans and parents-of-diehard fans reported that there were some other films, the names of which I can't remember. So it sounds like I have a budding research project on my hands, AKA a reason for the season! YEEEEEEEEEEHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAWWWWWWWWWWW!

On a related note, this is the greatest plot summary I have ever seen. Uh, spoiler alert, I guess:

1. You walk to the kitchen and find that you're out of groceries! What are you going to do?

A) I have just enough for a sandwich and a side salad; that way I won't be hungry when I go to the grocery store after I hit the gym and my volunteer shift at the blood bank.
B) Not even worries, brah! I have a macaroni and cheese subscription from Amazon.
C) I think there's some soy sauce packets left from that Thai food I ordered last week...
D) O God, O God, how weary, stale, flat, and unprofitable seem to me all the uses of this world!

2. Looks like there are some teens on your lawn. What now?

A) I'll wave enthusiastically as I make my way to spin class while making a mental note of their height, ethnicity, and clothing.
B) Time 2 crack open a case of Lime-A-Rita but not get accused of date rape this time, brah!
C) Peer through the blinds "Rear Window"-style while contemplating the impermanence of childhood and life generally.
D) The surest way to corrupt a youth is to instruct him to hold in higher esteem those who think alike than those who think differently.

3. Uh oh! Your house is on fire! How do you respond?

A) Call the fire department from my Apple watch while directing my neighborhood bucket brigade using semaphore.
B) THE ROOF, THE ROOF, THE ROOF IS ON FIRE! Ha ha, brah! I love that song!
C) No worries, probably; I'm already under this tear-soaked blanket.
D) Death is not extinguishing the light; it is only putting out the lamp because the dawn has come.

4. Your favorite outfit is:

A) A bright top and impeccably tailored pants.
B) Hard 2 decide between my FBI: Federal Boobie Inspector shirt and my FBI: Remembering Fallen Heroes shirt, brah.
C. It would be pajamas, if only I could find my pajamas or my will to live.
D. Black. I am in mourning for my life.

5. The perfect weather for a fun outing is:

A) Seventy five degrees, but I always have a contingency plan for inclement weather.
B) Whatever gets those TURKEYS DONE- am I right, brah?
C) What do you mean by "fun" outing?
D) Out of damp and gloomy days, out of solitude, out of loveless words directed at us, conclusions grow up in us like fungus.

6. Sadness is:

A) For losers
B) Brah. Wasn't that the cartoon with the married kids in diapers, brah?
C) Part of my everyday routine, like using moisturizer, or weeping under the couch.
D) The loneliness of the soul in its appalling self-consciousness.


SCORING: Give yourself 1 point for every A, 0 points for every B, and, if you've gotten this far, a piece of cake or something. Put the cake in your mouth and numbly chew it, noticing how strange it is that it has no taste whatsoever. Add up all the points until you get a number that's as meaningless as your existence. If you got zero or more points, congratulations, probably. Maybe take a shower? Or don't, I don't care.

I probably would have continued living this way if life hadn't thrown me a real well-shaped curveball. But, as they say, life is what happens when you're busy making above-ground plans. One moment you're a strong, independent woman with it all under control. The next, it all comes tumbling down like a person who neglected to read a "CAUTION: OPEN WELL" sign.

The young and arrogant version of me never would have predicted that getting trapped at the bottom of a 22-foot well would make my life unmanageable, but that's exactly what happened! I couldn't finish errands, get work done, rotate my body clockwise.  I no longer felt like the real "me". It was depressing! Some might say those dark days are when I hit rock bottom, because the bottom of the well was made of rocks and also it was very dark down there. 

Who can say whether it was rock bottom or not? Sometimes it seems dramatic to call it "the worst four days I've ever been through", but maybe that's just the "old me" talking, the one who was too afraid to ask for help or scream "CAN ANYONE HEAR ME?". I do know that something happened down there, something that changed me forever. Unable to see anything in the traditional sense due to the complete lack of visible light, I was forced to take a look at me. I realized I was terrified that asking for help would make me seem weak, but not asking for help would make me starve to death at the bottom of an abandoned well. I knew then and there that I had to change my perspective. Instead of thinking of it as "asking for help" or "being needy", I could think of it as "yelling until I passed out in the vain hope that someone, dear Lord anyone, will hear me."

Ironically, it was alone at the bottom of a dark well where I finally realized how much I need other people to help me out of the well!  The old me would have thought that was corny, but it's so true! We all take turns giving and needing help. Today you might be the one who needs a helping hand, but tomorrow you're the one with access to waterjet cutting technology.  So there's no shame in asking for a strong shoulder to cry on or a powerful arm to hoist ropes. I hope that, if you're like me - afraid to ask for help and stuck at the bottom of a well- you'll find the courage to ask for help that you never knew you had. Also: HELP ME OH MY GOD I DON'T WANT TO DIE DOWN HERRRRRRE

10. BLEACH
You won't catch a food expert ingesting this common household item! Whether it's a traditional bleach, like sodium hypochlorite, or a trendy, more eco-friendly formula like sodium perborate, bleach is better in the toilet bowl than the salad bowl, say food experts. 

9. STRAWBERRY FIELDS
It sounds so delicious. Strawberry fields... forever? YES, PLEASE! Not so fast, Gustatory Gussie! Surveys show that 10 out of 10 food experts agree that "Strawberry Fields" is a well-known Beatles song, not a food. 

8. KNUCKLE SANDWICH 
Many gluten-free consumers are already avoiding this non-food item due to its affiliation with bread products. Shocking, then, that this non-food item does not contain any bread, gluten-laden or otherwise! Food experts advise that this sandwich is not a sandwich or food of any kind, but a clever nickname for a punch* in the face. 
*not the drinkable kind of punch

7. THE CONCEPT OF INFINITY
With the omnipresence of all-you-can-eat buffets, it's easier than ever to "overdo it" at mealtime. But even if you go back to fill up your plate every minute of every day for the rest of your life, say experts, you won't be eating the concept of infinity. Food experts describe this non-food as "mathematically impossible" and "a concept, not a food."

6. NUTS (the metal kind)
Nuts, such as almonds, cashews, and walnuts, are an important source of healthy fats. That's why most experts recommend that nuts be consumed in moderation as part of a healthy diet. Would you believe, then, that no expert would be caught dead putting metal nuts on his or her salad?!? It's true! These nuts are made of metal and  are not food, and therefore are not recommended in moderation as part of a healthy diet. 

5. A HANDFUL OF WISHES, A POCKET FULL OF DREAMS
These items may be digestible as terrible names for blog posts or trite song lyrics, but experts agree: these non-food intangibles are devoid of nutrients and difficult to consume for energy.

4. SOY BUTT
Diet experts may disagree on whether soy is a suitable meat substitute or an allergy-triggering hormone disruptor. However, experts universally state that soy butt is not only a non-food, but also a thing that doesn't actually exist. 

3. GAPE JUICE
Trendy diet fads constantly claim breakthrough methods to help you lose weight. Be warned, say diet experts: dropping arbitrary letters from "grape juice" will not cut calories or help you lose weight. While technically still a food, because it is just grape juice with the letter R scratched out on the label,  "gape juice" is not recommended by food experts. Also to be avoided: Grape Jice, Ape Jui. 

2. THE PUERTO RICAN FLAG
Before you celebrate Natalicio de Eugenio María de Hostos with a heaping plate of the Puerto Rican flag, keep in mind that food experts do not consider this item a food and that consuming it is viewed as disrespectful. Eating the Puerto Rican flag is not recommended. 


1. ARBY'S

The five stages of Shia LaGrief are not intended as a checklist to be "worked through". Rather, they are guideposts to help us process and normalize what we may be feeling after coming across Shia LaBeouf's latest project. Not every person will experience each stage, and people may experience the stages in a different order. It's perfectly normal to experience a stage more than once and doing so should not be taken as a sign of "regression".

DENIAL
This stage includes feelings of shock, numbness, and disbelief at Shia LeBoeuf. You make statements such as "There is no way he is livetweeting his acid trip," and "It can't possibly be true that, after all the shit he's talked on Hollywood film making, he still gets to star in a major motion picture alongside Kate Mara and Gary Oldman." While this phase may seem detrimental to processing our Shia LaGrief, it can help protect us from becoming overwhelmed. A sign that you may be moving out of this phase: asking questions like "Why is this guy even a thing?"

ANGER
Anger can be a difficult and embarrassing emotion, but it is a natural part of the Shia LaGrieving process. Anger can take many forms. You may express anger at your loved ones, threatening them with bodily harm if they ever play that fucking Sigur Ros video in your presence. You may become angry at the world or at God, demanding to know what sort of asshole spends $25,000 on skywriting, anyway. No matter where it is directed, anger is a natural part of the experience of Shia LaGrief that should not be repressed or bottled up. Just saying "I'm angry at that little butt-licker" can help you heal.

BARGAINING
With bargaining, there is a sense that you want things back the way they used to be. It is a way to keep focused on the past or future so that you don't have to deal with the emotions of the present. Perhaps you find yourself saying "If only we could get the Shia that starred in three laugh-filled seasons of Even Stevens back," or "I would do ANYTHING to cut off that stupid braided rat tail." 

DEPRESSION

ACCEPTANCE
Many people think that "acceptance" means we are cured of our Shia LaGrief. But this isn't the case at all. Even under a paper bag, Shia will always be with us. Acceptance simply means that we are ready to move on to a new existential buffoon. 

CONCLUSION
Understanding the five stages of Shia LaGrief can help us navigate our feelings during difficult times and realize that we are not alone. These feelings and experiences are normal. I wish you good luck on your journey! 

1) HE SPEAKS TO YOU IN A HUMAN LANGUAGE
Guys are famous for having a hard time expressing how they really feel. But an inanimate object, such as a filthy pile of rags, will have an even harder time because it lacks the proper anatomy to produce the sounds or gestures that are the base components of human speech. If your man is speaking to you in a language such as English, Spanish, Arabic, Chinese, Urdu, or sign language, it's a good sign that you're in a relationship with a person.

2) SHE NOTICES THE LITTLE THINGS BECAUSE SHE HAS A FUNCTIONING PERIPHERAL NERVOUS SYSTEM
It can be hard to tell if your partner is taking you for granted or if she's a long-forgotten pile of filthy rags that was once intended as an "upcycle" project. But if she is using her eyes, ears, or hands to detect stimuli in the external world, it's very likely that you have gotten involved with a person. Bonus points if she uses various neural networks to interpret the meaning of these stimuli!

3) HE MENTALLY RESERVES A "DATE NIGHT" FOR JUST THE TWO OF YOU USING HIS PREFRONTAL CORTEX, WHICH HE HAS
Your guy may talk the talk and walk the walk and have eyes, but until he is exhibiting executive functions like planning and working memory (say, looking up a restaurant on Yelp and remembering the phone number long enough to dial it), there's just no way to be sure he isn't a sad heap of castaway cloth too disgusting to even put in the hamper. 

4) SHE SPENDS TIME DOING ACTIVITIES BOTH OF YOU LOVE INSTEAD OF EXISTING INDEFINITELY AS A SESSILE LUMP
Spending time together is a one of the most important aspects of a healthy, human, non-rag relationship. Some couples enjoy active hobbies like biking, hiking, or tennis. However, enjoyment of more sedentary activities, like a night at the movies or a couple's game of chess, is still a good sign that you are dating a person. But if you haven't ever seen your partner move, it could be a sign that she lacks standard human physiological features like muscle tissue and motor neurons, and is probably a heap of discarded t-shirts and underwear.

5) HE ENCOURAGES CHARACTER DEVELOPMENT AND RESISTS MOLD GROWTH
Is he the kind of partner that challenges you to be your best self? Or is he the kind of partner that remains motionless in a forgotten corner of the garage and incubates Peronosporaceae? If it's the latter, watch out. That's a family you DON'T want to meet!

6) SHE IS BAD AT ABSORBING SPILLS
The next time you knock over a glass of chianti, reach for your partner. If the Tuscan wine is just kind of smearing around and spreading all over the floor, you are definitely in a relationship with a person. If it soaks into her cotton-poly blend fibers, sorry. It's rags.

What is game? I think of it as a pattern that repeats itself in novel or surprising ways. It's this weird thing where you have to simultaneously fulfill and defy the audience's expectations. In order to do either, you have to set those expectations. Practically speaking, that corresponds with being specific. (My colleague Brian James O'Connell has a great "Replace pronouns with nouns" technique for being specific, plus other rules that are great, you should study with him and watch his movies and stuff). 

But on more than one occasion, I've witnessed a scene where two improvisers refuse to get specific, often about something as simple as an object. Said scene typically goes like this:

Player A: I got you a gift!
Player B: (object work of opening gift) Wow, I love it!
Player A: I knew you would like it.
Player B: I do! I've always wanted one of these. 

If the scene is in a show, the scene goes on like this until either it is awkwardly edited or the entire audience dies of boredom. If this scene is in a class or rehearsal setting, it goes on like this until it is stopped by the coach.  The scene probably could have been stopped after the first line, but people get kind of sensitive about being stopped THAT early so when I'm coaching I'll give people a couple more lines to get their shit together. But after line three, I am totally comfortable puttin' on my cunt pants and cutting this scene.

I would say about 75% of the time that I've done so and given the note "Somebody needs to define what that gift is,"  the players have said "Oh, I thought the game of the scene? Was that we didn't know what the gift was?"

No. That is not a game. Vague is not a game. I have seen this scene a hundred times and I have never, ever liked it. It is never good. Okay, I take that back. Probably somewhere in the history of improv such a scene has been moderately enjoyable, but the fun-to-boring return rate is very, very, VERY low. Don't gamble on those odds unless you are the kind of gambling addict who goes to a racetrack and bets your last ten dollars on the fat horse with arthritis.

If you read nothing else in this stupid blog for jerks, just read & remember this bold-text-pro-tip:

IF AN OBJECT HAS NOT BEEN DEFINED IN THE FIRST TWO LINES, DEFINE IT IN THE NEXT LINE OR GTFO.

Vagueness is not a game. It's pussyfooting. So when I or any other coach tells you to use specifics, please don't believe your own bullshit that you thought being vague was "the game." What's really going on is that you are refusing to name specifics because you are afraid you'll say the wrong one. To cover up your fear, your brain is confabulating a plausible, non-fear-based reason for your choices. 

It's ok to be afraid. We are all just sacks of terror looking for validation in numerous forms: laughs, likes, upvotes, hugs, sexual encounters, wins, dollars, grades, ownership share in fat & arthritic racehorses, whatever. I'm like that, too. So don't chastize yourself for being afraid. Just admit you are afraid and suddenly it won't be so scary. If you aren't ready to admit it, that's ok, too. But I'm probably not the coach for you.

This is interesting to me, that people think not defining something is a game. Remember how I defined game? As a pattern that repeats itself in novel and surprising ways? It was earlier in this post, how have you already forgotten? Anyway: how are you going to heighten the act of not knowing something? Well, okay, you might actually be able to heighten not knowing something- not knowing something that's hard to know, then not knowing something that's more obvious, then not knowing something that's so fundamental it's ridiculous (eg, not knowing you have to breathe both in AND out, and passing out as a result) - in a way that's playable and interesting. But even in that hypothetical scenario, only one of the characters doesn't know things. The other character has to know things.  

Even if you could think of making "not knowing" fun and playable, it still doesn't apply here. It's not accurate to describe the vague "game" as "not knowing." It's not that the characters don't know what the gift is, it's that the actors are refusing to say what it is. At its best, this behavior is fear and politeness. At its worst, it's meta bullshit.   

I don't want all this stress on defining an unknown object to mislead you into thinking that the game is about said object. I think that's the sort of misunderstanding that leads people to pussyfoot about defining specifics early on. "If the specifics are so important, then we must make sure we select the right ones! I cannot define this object, for what if my scene partner has a better idea!" 

Wrong. Your scene partner has no idea what's in that gift box he's handing you.  And if he did  know, he should have said it already. The scene is not going to be about the invisivle object in the box, it's going to be about the two characters we can see.  So it doesn't fucking matter whether the gift is a ring or a potato, whether your scene partner's name is Jim or Glordob, whether you guys are cousins or lovers, or whether you're in a living room or a spaceship. But getting that information out of the way sooner, rather than later, will help you and your audience establish just what the fuck is going on.

The next time you decide initiate a scene by giving your scene partner an invisible gift, don't say "I got you something!" or any of its vague cousins as you hand him or her an invisible box. Say "Here, I got you this (noun)," but replace (noun) with literally any noun. Any noun at all. Try it now! I'll start. Carpet. Mailbox. Mao's Little Red Book. Jordache gift card. Diamond ring. Penis hat. The eyebrows of the guy who ran against George HW Bush, I forget his name, oh yeah it's Dukakis. Mud. See how easy that was? ANY OF THOSE NOUNS, OR ANY OTHER NOUN YOU CAN THINK OF WILL DO. The sooner you get the specific, the sooner we can all move on to what's really going on.

Don't act so surprised. It was the name of the post. What is the horseshoe of death? If you've been to or been in a longform show with a cast of more than 3, you know the horseshoe of death. This is neither the time nor the place to point out that the word "horseshoe" looks like "horses hoe", but I am getting distracted and needed to say that. Anyway, horseshoe of death: what is it?

HORSESHOE OF DEATH: A group scene in an improvised show characterized by a group of people standing in a polite, respectful U-shape so that each performer can see every other performer and no one is upstaged. Scene is usually initiated with a group label and a problem, eg "Guys, our cereal isn't selling. We need to come up with a crazy cereal slogan!" Scene unfolds with improvisers offering solutions to said problem.

Think back to the last longform show you saw or did. Was there one of these scenes? Were there SEVERAL of these scenes? Did you feel just a little bit like pulling your face off of your own head, and not in a cool reference-to-the-film-Face Off way? I'd be willing to bet one million improv dollars that the answer to all three of these questions is YES.

Guys, what the hell are you doing? Stop doing these scenes! Please! Have you ever in your life stood in horseshoe shape with 4-8 of your friends slinging out crazy solutions to a problem? Then why do you think we want to see a heightened version of it played out on stage?

Now, I don't have problems with the "get in here, we need to accomplish _____"-style initiation. I've heard people shit on these initiations - I think there was a late-night show at a previous Del Close Marathon that was called "Everybody Get In Here" specifically created to lovingly mock these group games - and their criticisms have merit. But these initiations have their place. One of the best group games I've ever seen began with "People of the town of Vadueville! We need to do something about these broken stoplights!" (iO West Harold team Sweetness). I also don't subscribe to the theory that a scene falls apart in the first line. That is too much pressure to put on the person who is getting everything started. It's like a soccer team blaming the goalie for getting scored on. You let the ball get all the way back there, asshole. Nut up and take responsibility. It's not how you start, it's what you do next.

Note that I said "it's what you DO" and not "it's what you SAY". The reason these scenes are boring failures is not because they start with a call to action, it's because they quickly devolve into clever-offs: improvisers standing blankly, doing nothing, trying to think of the cleverest, funniest, most "on game" thing to say. 

The "town of Vaudeville" game was a success because as soon as the team heard the words "People of the town of Vaudeville", they snapped into action and assumed vaudevillian characters miming little actions and dances. Jim Woods pranced back and forth accross the stage miming a cane dance. Suzi Barrett sat on her butt and, legs in the air, spun in circles. They shouted out a couple of ideas, but as these ridiculous human cartoons they had created. It didn't really matter what they said because of what they were doing.

Here are some practical tips to avoid the horseshoe of death.

1) GET OUT OF THE DAMN HORSESHOE
Do not stand in this shape. Ever. You do not need to see everyone on stage to have a successful group game. Be the one who is brave enough to sit, stand, lie down, stand in front of someone else, stand behind someone else, explore different places on the stage, put your back to the audience (on purpose), leave the stage, pop over the curtain, go into the audience, WHATEVER.

2) OBJECT WORK 
Explore your space, fool! Are you in a Somethings Anonymous meeting? Probably. Lots of group games use this structure. Okay, fine. But have you ever been to a 12-step meeting? They usually sit speaker/audience style, or in a circle. There's usually a table with coffee (and, at my favorite meetings, snacks) off to the side. Often there's an anxious or crazy person leaning on the wall or pacing in the back. I have been to a lot of meetings in my life and I HAVE NEVER SEEN ANYONE STAND IN AN AWKWARD U. 

3) FUCK YOUR POLITENESS
As MTV's Real World so eloquently put it "Stop being polite and start getting real." This is a catchphrase that may or may not have ignited the reality show nightmare phenomenon (that I lovingly dub "nightmaremenon") that is ruining all of our TV careers. The horseshoe shape is 100% a product of actor/improviser niceness syndrome where we make sure everyone has an equal chance to say a thing and be seen. Fuck that. Yes, be giving. Yes, accept offers. Yes, make your scene partner look good. But don't forget to yes AND your audience and the fact that they are paying you with their time, attention, and possibly money. Yes AND those folks and DO SOMETHING WORTH WATCHING.

4) IF SOMEONE OFFERS AN IDEA, 'YES AND' BY DOING THE IDEA
These scenes suck because someone says an idea, eg "I think we should put poison in the cereal to make people buy it." What happens next? Do we cut to the cereal factory and watch people put poison in the boxes? Do we cut to a child eating poisoned cereal and delighting in the consequences? NO. We get another improviser pitching another idea. Usually this happens after boring discussion of whether the first idea is good or bad, which is a way of stalling for time while everyone thinks of what the game is and how to be on game. FUCK. THAT. 
DO the god damned idea!!! Learn these words right now: "CUT TO whatever that person just said!" CUT TO the idea so that you can play it. Cut to it so we can SEE it. It ain't a radio play.

Ok, this has been your swear-filled loving inside baseball rant of the day. Might be doing a lot more of these. Cause i'ma bitch, i'm a mother, i'm a child, danny glover... meredith brooks y'all... OUT.