SLIDESHOW: CELEBRITY RESOLUTIONS
Uh-oh! 2015 is almost here and you don't have any resolutions! That's like showing up to willpower party without any clothes on! To give you some inspiration, we gathered some of our favorite 2015 celebrity resolutions into this compelling slideshow.
5 Great Last-Minute Gift Ideas
Uh-oh! It’s the night before Christmas, and all through the house, not a creature is stirring - except for the vicious guilt and anxiety monster currently eating you from the inside out! YOU DIDN’T FINISH CHRISTMAS SHOPPING!!! Bad American! Well, it’s not fair to call you a “bad American” if you’re not Christian. If that's the case, then: EXTREMELY BAD American!!!
Have no fear, because Auntie Simpsy is here to provide you with a plethora of “cool”, “DIY”, “nonreturnable” gift ideas that you can present on Christmas Day. Ha ha! Present means two different things! HOMYNYMED
LAST MINUTE GIFTS
1. YOUR FAKE DEATH
Imagine your family gathered ‘round the Yuletide tree, mugs of cocoa clutched in their hands and tears welling in their eyes at the unparalleled joy of this miraculous day, until: a knock at the door. Uh-oh! It’s the police, bearing the unfortunate news that you have been killed in a tragic hang gliding accident. The screams! The sobs! The rending of garments! Christmas is surely ruined... or are they? Now imagine the instant emotional rebound as you interrupt your family's somber memorial planning with your so-not-dead face! With the fragility of life so palpable, who will even remember that you were supposed to get a dumb gift?
- a police badge
- a police uniform
- a passable craigslist actor
- no family history of heart problems
2. A DO-IT-YOURSELF COLONOSCOPY KIT
Is someone you love always paying polyp service to investing in quality colon health care? Sounds like he or she has come down with a case of “colitis-itis”! I call "IBS"! After all, the road to hell is paved with good intestines. But can you really blame anyone for putting off a colonoscopy? Spare them an embarrassing and expen$$$ive visit to the doctor - while sparing yourself an embarrassing and emotionally expensive visit to the gift forgetter's corner - with this easy-to-assemble kit.
- a garden hose
- a flashlight
- two AA batteries
- one 750 mL bottle of scotch
- a pretty gift box
3. A SLIGHTLY WORN COPY OF ATLAS SHRUGGED WITH SWEAR WORDS WRITTEN IN THE MARGINS OF THE STUPIDEST PARTS
“contradictions do not exist” i mean what in the actual fuck
- a copy of Atlas Shrugged
-a stronger stomach than mine
4. MANIFESTO MAD-LIBS
The popularity of Facebook, Twitter, blogging, etc. demonstrates how desperate we are to have our opinions heard! Though most of us would like an audience, few actually have the time or dedication to develop an ideology and cultivate a legion of followers. And did you ever notice how all these social networking tools are ONLINE?!? Excuse me, but we’re not all Computer G. Wozniaks over here! Give your Luddite loved one an easy-to-use analog platform for his craziest, fringiest, most un-sharable beliefs. It'll put the FUN back in radical fundamentalist ideologies!
- a printer
- a link to a well-known manifesto (eg, The Unabomber Manifesto)
- one bottle Wite-Out (or any brand correction fluid)
Feel free to print n' play with this example:
The (proper noun) and its consequences have been a disaster for the human race. They have greatly increased the ____(plural noun)____ of those of us who live in "___(adjective)___" countries, but they have ___(verb)___ society, have made life __(adjective)___, have subjected __(plural noun)___ to ___(verb)___, have led to widespread psychological ___(state of being)___ (in the ___(undesirable geographic location)___, to physical ___(state of being)___ as well) and have inflicted severe __(noun)__ on the ___(adjective)____ ___(location)____. The continued development of ___(field of study)___ will __(verb)___ the situation.
5. THE FRIENDSHIP OF A TEARFUL NATIVE AMERICAN
Most of us are woefully ignorant of the experiences of our Native American brothers and sisters. Let us reach out to these beautiful people who have much to teach us about the mysteries of the natural world, such as which plants can get us super fucking high. To befriend a Native American, simply spread trash all over the recipient’s yard, and wait. The next day, if portrayals of Native Americans in television and film are as accurate as I assume, you should have several of them milling about the yard, shedding single tears over the desecration of Mother earth. You may now feel free to ask them if they like this turquoise bracelet you got in Scottsdale, make hilarious jokes about how your camera won’t steal their soul, and offer to show them what modern plumbing looks like.
- 2-3 bags of filthy, filthy garbage
- an entrenched sense of the superiority of Western culture
- willful ignorance
Works on contingency? No! Money down!