Before we're all crushed under the weight of the changing seasons' icy grip of death, let's take a moment to enjoy this report on WHAT I DID ON MY SUMMER VACATION:
1. Cooked beans!
Summer is the time for beans. Don't let anyone tell you otherwise. Sure, when it's almost 100 degrees out, it may seam unreasonable to boil a pot on a stove for five hours. And it's true, nobody wants to who wrestle a hobo for his last can of beans. But once the beans are digested, summer shows its advantages via the wispy, lightweight clothing that is its signature. Who wants to get all farty in a pair of snowpants? Weirdos. That's who.
2. Learned to produce!
The title of producer has long been a mystery to me. Numerous attempts to pin down producers with a "So what do you do, exactly?" have been met with many a grumpy stare, but few words. Thus, I had no choice but to imagine all producers everywhere as overweight billionaires (bearing a striking resemblance to Chestur A Arthur) with locked drawers full of money that they only occasionally, through pure chance, can figure out how to open. As it turns out? Producers actually do stuff? Like, they produce? I learned this summer that a sufficient definition of "producing" would be "Getting shit done." Websters, are you listening? I could make your whole book like, helllllla shorter! Quit ignoring my letters!
3. Evaluated photographic representations of felines in various states of repose and conceptualized qualitative differences into an informal but comprehensive rank analysis!
This is NOT code for "looked at cat pictures online a lot" so just SHUT UP
We all did. Admit it.
5. Approximately 1000 hours of comedy!
Possibly not quite that much, but people do love those nice, round numbers. And you know why? Probably because of all the holes in 'em. More places to stick your filthy bits. Man, people are sick. But yeah, I did so many comedy shows that I got a ringing in my ear and then my ears just started bleeding and bleeding and it was all over my shirt and the people around me were screaming but I couldn't hear right because my ears were bleeding and all I could feel was this weird pressure and I kept saying "What? WHAT??" and asking people to speak louder and then I noticed there was blood all over my shirt and I said "Guys I can't hear what you're saying but my shirt is ruined" and then everything went fuzzy and dark and when I woke up I was in front of my computer and I was wearing a different shirt. It was pretty hilarious.
Y'ALL COME BACK NOW