I spend an inordinate amount of time thinking about the film How the West Was Fun. 

Looking for a How-To that really ges how you feel? Watch my new BREAK UP MAKEUP Tutorial! This 5-min tutorial shows you the *perfect * look for when you've wasted years of your life waiting for someone, oh let's call him Ryan, to FIGURE OUT that he CAN'T TREAT YOU THIS WAY. 


Watch on YouTube here, or see the embedded video after the jump. 

Happy Monday, you all! Wow, what a day of the week, huh? More like 'MOAN'-day, ha ha! CRAZY! But so true.

If you're like me, you're feeling those Monday blahs in a total Mon-DAZE, ha ha! A pun! Here's a fun and helpful quiz to help you tell what kind of Monday you'll be having!

I've always been the kind of person who had to "do it myself." I remember once, back in elementary school, I tried to win the 3-legged race by carrying my partner across the finish line! Talk about independent! 

That independent streak continued long into adulthood. I juggled family, relationships, career, and hobbies while refusing any and all offers of help. I wouldn't let my mom pass my resume on to an associate when I was looking for a job in that field. I refused to let my boyfriend help me carry the groceries into the house. I didn't allow park rangers to point out open wells in the middles of fields. I always had to do it "my way."

Are you confused about what to eat? I know I am! One minute experts are telling us that eggs are food and should be eaten, and the next they are saying that paint is bad to drink! Make up your minds, science! 

Even with all of the conflicting information, there are a few non foods that all experts agree are not foods. We asked nutritionists, scientists, doctors, and health experts 'round the world what non-food items they would never eat. 

Welcome. You likely found this page because you are trying to navigate the confusing emotions surrounding Shia LaBeouf. Perhaps you saw his 30-odd minute green screen art video, or came across his baffling twitter feed. You are not alone! Many of us will experience LaGrief in our lives. We will be better prepared to truly deal with our LaGrief (instead of repressing it) if we have a better understanding of the process. The most well-known model is "The Five  Stages of Shia LaGrief. "

These days in our modern times that are now, it can be very hard to tell if you are in a relationship or not! Even harder is knowing if you're in a relationship with the right person or the wrong filthy pile of rags. Luckily, the internet is little more than a steaming pile of digestible lists that can tell you how to live your stupid life better and/or whether you are even living it! So I present to you this list of six signs you are DEFINITELY in a relationship with a person and not a filthy pile of rags. Life is short so be long! #blessed!

Game is a very popular term in improv circles these days. It's a very useful tool for establishing and heightening the comedy of a situation, though I don't think it's the only tool. In fact, I think it's kind of like saying "Let's build ourselves a stupid house with nothing but this hammer!"  You're going to need that hammer, but you probably are going to want some nails and a saw and an architect and other house building stuff. Probably a mug that says "World's #1 House Builder", too, because you gotta toot your own horn before anyone else will, amiright? Anyway, game is a very useful improv tool and is worth mastering. But if you're going to use said tool, it's important to understand what it is and what it isn't. I mean, don't be trying to cut that 2 x 4 with a hammer like some kind of Amelia-ass Bedelia fool!

Welcome to Gender Equalititty's, THE hottest suffragentleman's club with the hottest, sexiest, most opinionated ladies! 

Are you looking for live nude girls, Girls, GIRLS?!? Well, you won't find them here. At Gender Equaltitties, it's 100% live nude women, Women, WOMYN!!! They're dancing, they're stripping, they're demanding the same basic dignities of humanity be afforded to them equally! 

These hot hotties are the hottest hotties that ever hotted. Let's take a look at tonight's lineup:

Elizabeth Candy Stanton. Does the thought of triple bondage xxx-cite you? Candy knows all and writes extensively about the "triple bondage that man never knows" of slavery, gender, and race. 

Glory Hole Steinem - a woman without a man is like a fish without a bicycle

Emmammary Goldman - Socialist hottie? More like SO DELISH hottie! Pettiness separates, but breasts unite. Let this big broad be broad and BIG for your pleasure!

Anna Howard Shaw - This Methodist medicine woman wakes up every morning with a great desire to live joyfully. We're letting her spread her joy all over our stages. Trust us, fellas: the only Methodist teaching Doc Shaw needs to show you is the rhythm Methodist. 

These hot babes want change, and they want it bad. So be a gentleman and remember to tip. But leave your dollar bills at home, fellas! These women bare it all for 77 cents on the dollar. 

For those of you who check in on this blog for subversive listicles and bizarre wiener jokes, you might want to skip this one. This is pure insider baseball, except that there won't be any baseball. What is even up with that phrase "insider baseball"? Is it an admission that baseball is boring to everyone who isn't inside baseball, getting paid millions of dollars to baseball? Sorry, baseball. It's true. 

THIS post is insider baseball about improv, which is a lot like baseball except there a) is no ball and b) nobody gets paid ever. I've been coaching improv for a long time, and performing it for even longer. Something came up at a recent rehearsal that I thought merited a whole post, so here you damn go.

Don't act so surprised. It was the name of the post. What is the horseshoe of death? If you've been to or been in a longform show with a cast of more than 3, you know the horseshoe of death. This is neither the time nor the place to point out that the word "horseshoe" looks like "horses hoe", but I am getting distracted and needed to say that. Anyway, horseshoe of death: what is it?

HORSESHOE OF DEATH: A group scene in an improvised show characterized by a group of people standing in a polite, respectful U-shape so that each performer can see every other performer and no one is upstaged. Scene is usually initiated with a group label and a problem, eg "Guys, our cereal isn't selling. We need to come up with a crazy cereal slogan!" Scene unfolds with improvisers offering solutions to said problem.

Think back to the last longform show you saw or did. Was there one of these scenes? Were there SEVERAL of these scenes? Did you feel just a little bit like pulling your face off of your own head, and not in a cool reference-to-the-film-Face Off way? I'd be willing to bet one million improv dollars that the answer to all three of these questions is YES.

Guys, what the hell are you doing? Stop doing these scenes! Please! Have you ever in your life stood in horseshoe shape with 4-8 of your friends slinging out crazy solutions to a problem? Then why do you think we want to see a heightened version of it played out on stage?

Now, I don't have problems with the "get in here, we need to accomplish _____"-style initiation. I've heard people shit on these initiations - I think there was a late-night show at a previous Del Close Marathon that was called "Everybody Get In Here" specifically created to lovingly mock these group games - and their criticisms have merit. But these initiations have their place. One of the best group games I've ever seen began with "People of the town of Vadueville! We need to do something about these broken stoplights!" (iO West Harold team Sweetness). I also don't subscribe to the theory that a scene falls apart in the first line. That is too much pressure to put on the person who is getting everything started. It's like a soccer team blaming the goalie for getting scored on. You let the ball get all the way back there, asshole. Nut up and take responsibility. It's not how you start, it's what you do next.

Note that I said "it's what you DO" and not "it's what you SAY". The reason these scenes are boring failures is not because they start with a call to action, it's because they quickly devolve into clever-offs: improvisers standing blankly, doing nothing, trying to think of the cleverest, funniest, most "on game" thing to say. 

The "town of Vaudeville" game was a success because as soon as the team heard the words "People of the town of Vaudeville", they snapped into action and assumed vaudevillian characters miming little actions and dances. Jim Woods pranced back and forth accross the stage miming a cane dance. Suzi Barrett sat on her butt and, legs in the air, spun in circles. They shouted out a couple of ideas, but as these ridiculous human cartoons they had created. It didn't really matter what they said because of what they were doing.

Here are some practical tips to avoid the horseshoe of death.

1) GET OUT OF THE DAMN HORSESHOE
Do not stand in this shape. Ever. You do not need to see everyone on stage to have a successful group game. Be the one who is brave enough to sit, stand, lie down, stand in front of someone else, stand behind someone else, explore different places on the stage, put your back to the audience (on purpose), leave the stage, pop over the curtain, go into the audience, WHATEVER.

2) OBJECT WORK 
Explore your space, fool! Are you in a Somethings Anonymous meeting? Probably. Lots of group games use this structure. Okay, fine. But have you ever been to a 12-step meeting? They usually sit speaker/audience style, or in a circle. There's usually a table with coffee (and, at my favorite meetings, snacks) off to the side. Often there's an anxious or crazy person leaning on the wall or pacing in the back. I have been to a lot of meetings in my life and I HAVE NEVER SEEN ANYONE STAND IN AN AWKWARD U. 

3) FUCK YOUR POLITENESS
As MTV's Real World so eloquently put it "Stop being polite and start getting real." This is a catchphrase that may or may not have ignited the reality show nightmare phenomenon (that I lovingly dub "nightmaremenon") that is ruining all of our TV careers. The horseshoe shape is 100% a product of actor/improviser niceness syndrome where we make sure everyone has an equal chance to say a thing and be seen. Fuck that. Yes, be giving. Yes, accept offers. Yes, make your scene partner look good. But don't forget to yes AND your audience and the fact that they are paying you with their time, attention, and possibly money. Yes AND those folks and DO SOMETHING WORTH WATCHING.

4) IF SOMEONE OFFERS AN IDEA, 'YES AND' BY DOING THE IDEA
These scenes suck because someone says an idea, eg "I think we should put poison in the cereal to make people buy it." What happens next? Do we cut to the cereal factory and watch people put poison in the boxes? Do we cut to a child eating poisoned cereal and delighting in the consequences? NO. We get another improviser pitching another idea. Usually this happens after boring discussion of whether the first idea is good or bad, which is a way of stalling for time while everyone thinks of what the game is and how to be on game. FUCK. THAT. 
DO the god damned idea!!! Learn these words right now: "CUT TO whatever that person just said!" CUT TO the idea so that you can play it. Cut to it so we can SEE it. It ain't a radio play.

Ok, this has been your swear-filled loving inside baseball rant of the day. Might be doing a lot more of these. Cause i'ma bitch, i'm a mother, i'm a child, danny glover... meredith brooks y'all... OUT.