You may have noticed that posting has been a little light this past week. Surprise! Taking an entire week off from posting was my Christmas gift to you. It was certainly not an unplanned coincidence having to do with a sudden upswing in the number of shows and rehearsals I had to attend, ha ha, not that at all. 

As my Boxing Day gift to you, I am returning to writing silly posts containing animal pictures, swear words, and unfortunate puns.  So let's celebrate this Boxing Day by putting on the gloves, stepping into the ring, rumbling in the jungle, and ignoring what Boxing Day is actually about because Boxing Day is too hard to make references to. WHO IS READY TO RRRRRRRRRUUUUUUUUMMMMMMMMMBBBBBBLLLLLLLLLEEEEEEE!

In this corner, weighing in at one hundred and forty characters, all the way from the semi-coherent parts of internet: a tweet containing the typo LISN'T! Lisn't may seem like the accidental combination of "list" and "isn't" due to a particular handset's autocorrect feature. And it is! But it is ALSO the totally purposeful combination of "list" and "isn't" that describes any item that isn't on my Christmas List. I used to call this my "Do Not, Under Any Circumstances, Get Me This For Christmas List", but Lisn't is much more efficient. It is the reigning typo heavyweight champion of the world!

ALEXIS SIMPSON'S 2011 LISN'T:

• Hat Sacks: The Best Bags For Your Hat!
• Blockbuster stock
• Vintage hot dogs
• Up Flower We Belong, Joe Cocker's rare  Georgia O'Keefe-themed concept album 
  
• Gift certificate to Chester Chuddy's Fun-Pourium 
• HatSacks: The Hackey Sack That Can Hack It As A Hat!
• Homemade Oatmeal Dumps
• Rowbot: The Waterproof Disaster-Escape Robot
• Cramium (Not the family-friendly fun you might think it is)
• Lavender ANYTHING
• Hat Sax: The Jazz Horn For Your Mind
• A loud beeping device that doesn't stop beeping even after you cruuuush it
• Videos from the Mathmat-O-Nauts! series; this includes the David Bowie episode "Space ADDity"
• Tube sock full of batteries
• Sacks Hat: Not sure what it is, but I think it's German and I'm sure it's filthy.

As we celebrate this Holiday season and the coming of a brand new year, I think it is important to pause and reflect on only those things that are truly important: the soul-shattering trajectory of technological advancement. Do you know why they call it technological advancement? If you said "It is because technology gets better and smarter until it evolves guns for hands, feet for feet, and evil human brains for brains. And then technology advances towards humanity in a menacing fashion, guns a-blazin'," then you were EXACTLY RIGHT! I thought this would be the perfect time of year to warn you about a little pre-Christmas Christmas miracle I experienced.  

Well well well, remember way back when I first told you about the new hitt Funvention Korner? YOU didn't think it was feasible. You're such a doubting Thomas! 


Thomas you may eat your ugly hat, because the idea was clearly a success from the beginning. We still have not raised Kitty Carlisle from the dead but we remain very positive that once we do, she will be thrilled to host. In the meantime, ideas for new inventions are coming in constantly all the time 24-7. In a moment you will read about one of the most exciting ideas that is guaranteed to change the way we eat, forever. that will BLOW YOUR MIND and HOPEFULLY ALSO YOUR FOOD BUDGET. 

I was driving by a Whole Foods and noticed how awful busy it was. Seems like there are more and more Whole Foodseses popping up more and more every day. Seems as though everybody is into looking like they eat healthy these days! And I'd estimate that at least 50 percent of those healthy eatin' jerks are going gluten-free. Did I say jerks, because I meant POTENTIAL CUSTOMERS!

It seems like I can't shake a stick two feet without running into a gluten-free jerk- I mean potential customer! These poor schlubs must get awfully tired of the limited alternatives to wheat that currently exist. I've come up with an amazing new bread replacement product that sounds so similar to wheat, these jerks, I mean potential customers, won't even know they're not eating wheat! Introducing:

WETA BREAD: The Only Wheatless Bread With the Name That Makes You Think There is Wheat In It! (tm)

Maybe the slogan needs work. But hey,  Rome wasn't built in a day! And Rome was VERY profitable! I mean, just think of all the amazing products we can make that the word 'Weta" will just slide right into:

WETA BRAN
WETA THINS
WETA BITES
WETABITS
WETABLES
WETAGURT
CREAM OF WETA
WETAGURT: For Kids!

Oh, what is a Weta, you ask? 

Guys, I promise I am working on more installments of How to Coolness. I know you all have holiday parties coming up and you are very worried about how to be cool at said parties. You will just have to re-read the old posts and milk out all the tips you can because we have MORE IMPORTANT BUSINESS TO ATTEND TO.

No, I did not go to a Subway again (though I did recently receive a gift card, so fingers crossed!). I DID, however, spend some time with my Significant Other. He was a philosophy major and stuff and is pretty smart about it. But what about the thousands of college kids out there right now currently taking Intro to Philosophy who need a really convenient cheat sheet of famous Philosophy guys and they are too lazy to check Wikipedia even? That's the service this blog hopes to provide! Presenting: My Boyfriend Says Smart Things About Philosophy And I Translate: A Guide. Today we will begin with the classics: our homies Socrates, Plato, and Aristotle. 

Mild Warning: There's more swear words in this post than usual, so lie to your kids and bosses and proceed at your own risk. If you think you can HANDLE IT, get ready to turn Philosophy One-oh-One into Philosophy Fun-oh-Fun... after... THE JUMP!

What up America! A while back I shot an episode of a ConSequences: The Web Series. It was a blast working with a great creative team and I felt really at home playing a weirdo foreign tourist. 

Well, if you are the kind of person that likes to watch fun webserieses, I have good news! ConSequences debuted on Wednesday, November 9th. If you are the kind of person that likes to watch footage of me, I have even gooder news! My episode is up this week! Yeah!
 
ConSequences is a dark comedy web series about eight former convicts court-ordered to attend a support group that will help them reintegrate back into every day life. You can check it out at the website or on the very special ConSequences BlipTv channel. Be sure to check out the earlier episodes so you're all caught up!

Coming soon on this blog: A blog about how I feel about Philosphers. It will contain many swear words.

I drive a Toyota Yaris and it is every bit as good as you think. It is like driving a Volkswagen Jetta without that itching feeling that you're supposed to go vegan. It is also kind of like driving a Ford Focus without having to drive a Ford Focus. HA HA take that, inanimate object! I burned you so hard.

The car is cute and the gas mileage is solid. The only down side is that the manufacturer assumes the drivers are absolute neanderthals. From my driver's manual:

For serious, engine missing? Just how low is your opinion of the average consumer, HMMM? "Engine? Who needs an engine? I'll just crank some Kaci & Jojo and sing 'I believe I can drive' like there's a gun to my head.  I mean who wants to pay $3.50 a gallon when faith is for the price of FREE?!?"

 How does an engine go missing, anyway? Are they hypersenstive like teenagers and always planning to run away? Do they have trouble avoiding stranger danger?

Here are some other helpful tips from the manual that are absolutely definitely in the manual, probably. Do not take the absence of photographic evidence to mean that these aren't actually in the manual. They so definitely totally are. Probably. 

• To start your car, start it.
• Horn is located on steering wheel. WARNING: Horn is not a jazz horn.
• Toyota is a car company. A car is a moving box with wheels. Wheels are round like pizza, but are NOT edible. 
• To check mirror: Look in mirror. Do you see you? Mirror is working! Do you not see you? Mirror is broken, or you are a vampire!
• To stop your car, start it. JUST KIDDING LOL Toyota is so funny! To stop your car, lose the engine.

Last week was an amazingly busy and productive week. I booked a role on a webseries and STILL managed to write about how there's this totally creepy Christmas Tree lot I always drive by. For those who wondered: the hand-scrawled "Pictures with a pony!" sign is down. They know we're onto their reindeer games! 

I figured this self-indulgent blog was as good a place as any to self-indulge in a little self-promotion. This week I'm performing at Improv at the Lab at the famous Hollywood Improv (8181 Melrose Ave, LA CA 90046). The lineup (awesome acts containing me bolded for your convenience):


7:30pm: Bro Squad 5, Bandit, and Neutrino9:00pm: Ms. Jackson and The Lab All Stars
Tickets are $5 and can be purchased here. After you're done purchasing your tickets to what will be an awesomely good time, you may reward yourself even further with this video of a porcupine eating a pumpkin. Skreeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!

Guys, I have really dropped the ball on writing on the blog lately! Man oh man! Seriously, if this blog were a baseball, and I were a baseball player, I would no longer be playing for the baseball team I had been playing with! So you might as well think of baseblog as a sport, and me as a baseblog player, and this blog is the blog! And I dropped it!

METAPHORRRRRRRRS!

The reason I sucked at baseblog this week is pretty legit: I had 2 Story Pirates shows, a BANDIT show, and an acting gig in San Diego. Add all that stuff to the usual stuff one has to do in a given week, plus factor in drive time, and there you go. 

Luckily, I did have time to get into the Christmas Spirit! Hey, does anyone else find that expression inexplicably filthy? Just me? Okay then.  Anyway, I saw this hand-written, Christmassy sign outside a Christmas tree lot:

It feels like only yesterday that I first blogged about How to Coolness, but in fact it was a few days before yesterday. At the time I was pretty sure I'd blog more informative tips about how to cool, but I wasn't sure I was up to being constrained by a timeline. Do you know why? Timelines are NOT cool. Constraints are NOT cool. Constraint by timeline is DEFINITELY NOT cool. And if you start pointing out how a negative times a negative results in a positive then so help me you are doing MATH and MATH is POSITIVELY NOT COOL. Style tip: The bold-face font means it's more true.

So I'm just as shocked as you are that I'm already back and telling you how to be cool. That is just the mystery of the universe at work. If you are ready for tip #2 on How to Coolness, then you my friend, should read on after...you know what's coming...THE JUMP!!!

What up people! This post is neither amusing nor fun, although it does contain several examples of SAT-appropriate grammar! Hooray!

This Monday, I'll be performing at Telethon! at the NerdMelt theater right here in Los Angeles.

NerdMelt was recently named "Best Place to Get Your Geek On" by the LA Weekly. So why don't you log off reddit for an evening and come check out a real live human comedy show, featuring real live humans! Telethon! is Monday, 12/5 at 8:30 pm. Tickets are $10 at the door, $8 in advance, and free if you are the real live ghost of F. Murray Abraham. See you at the show!