Haters Gotta Hate... Florida
I heard a piece on the radio about Florida today. I can't really remember what the story was about. It was probably voting, or a huge mosquito, or the 2011 Miami's Greatest Ass contest. Who cares. All I can recall is how much I dislike Florida. It's humid. Everyone serves dinner at 4pm. The ratio of boats and trailers to people is ungodly. Google searching "Florida face tattoo" gives you three - three! - different Florida shaped-tattoo photos. I couldn't even find ONE for Texas. THREE!
Panama City License Plate is beaten by Tallahassee Passport
What the hell, Muse?
What is up with every guy I know liking the band Muse? Seriously, it seems as though every time I turn around, another group of guys is all "Oh man, Muse is AWESOME! Awe is Muse-some! You can't spell music without misspelling MUUUUUUSSSSSEEEEE!"
I have no beef with Muse. They're totally fine, or whatever. In fact I am known to jam out whenever Starlight is on the radio. But do you know I always think when I jam out to Starlight on the radio? I think, "Man, Rufus Wainwright is in a HELL of a good mood!" Just sayin'. And what I'm just sayin' is that the guy has kind of a girl voice and sings lyrics about wanting to Hooooooooollllllld you. That is very not typical of music guys are into, no? So with 99 problems and the band Muse not among them, I feel an urge to solve the mystery of Why Do Dudes Like This Particular Band Soooo Much?
Fact-finding and evidence after ...the jump!
Arnold macht Kommentary!
Arnold Schwarzenegger is a national treasure. Of course he's the national treasure of Austria, but thankfully he has been on loan to us since 1968. Here are two great examples of his national treasury-ness in the form of DVD commentary. See, DVD commentary typically includes information not otherwise available (such as back story or behind-the-scenes=how'd-they-do-that stuff). For example, there are great Simpsons commentary tracks from the Conan O'Brien years in which they just tell stories about how funny Conan was.
There's a great Conan- related commentary track below, but it's a Conan of a different color. Arnold provides such insightful commentary as "This is a really great scene" and "In this scene, I am shooting a gun." Real useful stuff, you like watching movies while reading a book and/or you are blind. Enjoy!
This is your new blog post. Click here and start typing, or drag in elements from the top bar.
The sketch is not called 21 Jump Suit
I did some shooting this week with The Fabulous Meg Favreau. One of the reasons that she is so fabulous is that she doesn't refer to herself or her website as "The Fabulous". Such behavior would not be fabulous at all.
Anyway, the shoot involved wearing a jumpsuit and handing out pamphlets on Hollywood Boulevard. Don't ask me for any more information because I have a strict No Spoiler policy.
I won't give away plot points and I won't drive this car.
Though I'm not willing to share the details on the sketch, I would be glad to tell you about some of the interactions you can expect to have while standing on Hollywood Boulevard in a jumpsuit, handing out pamphlets.
And soforth! Boy, the Holly"wood "excitement never ends! Yes that was in fact a dick joke! Say goodnight Gracie!
Animals Be Shoppin'!
Oh hey guys, Black Friday! Wooo! The day in which the absolute worst aspect of humanity are trotted out for capture by an atypically watchful media! WOOOOOOOOOoooT!! This year brought out gun-totin' in the East and pepper sprayin' in the West. And all across America, our Facebook walls were filled with the self-important comparisons to Occupy Wall Street and/or explanations of useless crap bought on Facebook walls: "So itz ok to camp outside stoeres when u buy somethin? Occupy WS 5eva! Also bought sum super cute booootz!"
I can't take this fake holiday. I can't take it even more than I can't take all the other, slightly less fake holidays. The other fake holidays at least coat their marketability and profiteering with a thin veneer of legitimate human emotion. This fake holiday has no redeeming qualities. This fake holiday is like a spoiled-ass only child, whining for attention from the grown-ups who are just trying to have a nice conversation about Pakistan and the Euro zone crisis so will you please SHUT UP little Melissa?
Anway, Black Friday is dumb and any mentions of it in the press that do not include pictures of animals posed as if they were shopping are dumber still. Therefore, I humbly submit to you Animals Be Shoppin': A Gallery. It is quite literally the best Black Friday coverage that has ever existed. Pictures after the jump.
Yo I heard the dumbest thing on the radio today. There's apparently some farm in upstate New York where you can buy a turkey. But when you buy this turkey, you don't take it home to eat it. You don't even take it home to let it strut around your yard, staring blankly and gobbling at nothing particular. This turkey stays on the freakin' farm and once a year, you go to this farm and you feed the turkey. Whaaaaaat? Is this like, Bizarro Turkey farm? Is this a turkey farm from some Yakov Smirnoff punchline? Is this some alternate universe turkey farm where turkeys are in charge and they run for turkey congress and in turkey middle school they read books such as Human Farm by acclaimed author George Orwattle?
Yakov sez: "I also would have accepted 'George Boarwell.' What a country!"
Seriously though, what a weird concept. It's not weird that people don't want to eat turkeys, or even that they want to create a little haven for turkeys in upstate New York. It's the ceremony of feeding them an elaborate meal that includes fancy salad, pumpkin pie, and decorative squash centerpieces. This sounds like some Egyptian cat-worship shit, and we all know how well THAT turned out. For those that don't know: it did not turn out well.
Tonight was my debut show with my new improv team BANDIT and it ent SWIMMMMMMINGLY! To clarify, I mean the kind of swimmingly where everyone knows how to swim! Not the kind where your Dad throws you in the pool and says "You'll figure it out!" Awesome!
I'm thrilled with the team and I'm so thankful to be a part of it. Muretta, Tom, Darrin, BOC - thank you all for coming out to the show. Popular Science, thank you for setting such a high standard of ensemble work. BANDIT has a lot to live up to. I can't wait to play with you all again.
Ok, I'm tired. I leave you with a video of a cockatoo feeding a dog. Goodnight everybody!
Man, I was totally in the mood to do a Lifetime Original Movie review. There's nothing quite like a LOM to satisfy your urge for shitty films about scorned women. This one time they tried to pass Diane Keaton off as a junkie. That was AWESOME.
GUYS! I had the privilege of spending Saturday night on set. It was pretty awesome. We were shooting a scene from Groundhog Day and I was playing the role of Rita. I did a perfect Andie MacDowell impression and everyone went home totally blown away.
Naw, for real: I didn't do an Andie MacDowell impression. Though, note to self: work on Andie MacDowell impression. Also, why is that bitches' name so hard to spell? I have better things to look up in Google, such as "what is that weird noise my car is making", and also "pugs in costumes".
Do not eff with this, Andie.
Even Andie's case of Extra Vowel Syndrome can't put a damper on the good time I had shooting. Set is one of my favorite places to be, alongside on stage and underneath a check with a lot of zeroes. However, I learned a valuable lesson and thought it important to share with anyone who may be out there looking for a Lil' Set Tip. Ready? Here goes:
DO NOT EAT THE FOOD YOUR CHARACTERS ARE EATING IN THE SCENE.
No matter how hungry you are when you start shooting, if you eat and swallow the food in the scene on every take, you are going to want to puke after like an hour. And unless you want to get a reputation as "That actor who's weirdly open about his/her eating disorder", you'd best spit that shit out.
That's all for now!
Man, shit got REAL at Subway Restaurant today. Subway is probably not the kind of place you expect to see the ugly side of humanity rise up and engage in sandwich-based transactions. That is really more of an Arby's kind of thing. Anyway, if Subway's marketing is to be believed (and ALL marketing is to be believed, ALWAYS), then one should expect Subway restaurants to be populated with dweebos who wear pressed khakis and make no trouble.
From L to R: Let's just call them all Jared.
Works on contingency? No! Money down!