HOW DOES DEPRESSION HURT?!?!?
Where does depression hurt?
In every deer's heart.
HOW DOES DEPRESSION HURT?!?!?
This message brought to you by a man recently fired from a Cymbalta marketing campaign
Crapsnacks: The Monster Made of Crap
Pat the Bunny Molester
All Dads Go To Prison
The Seven Habits of the Highly Effectively Toilet-Trained
The Little Engine Who Fat-Shamed
The Lion, The Witch, and... Oh Who Are We Fooling, We Are Talking About Jesus
Horton Hears a Rumor
Existential Stories from Sideways Hell
A Series of Unfortunate Career Decisions by Limpity Bizkit
Lil' Boots: The Lil'est Nazi War Criminal
Sara, Plain and Tall Until The Breast Enhancement Surgery
The Adjustable Rate 30-Year-Mortgage Tree
HGTV. Pinterest. The Self-Help section. What do these things have in common? They epitomize the Great America Dream best conveyed in the classic Irving Berlin lyrics "Anything you can do I can do better." Actually, in keeping with the spirit of the song, I can express that better as "Anything anyone else can do, I can do cheaper!" This is America, damnit! This is the nation that invented bootstraps and subsequently the ability to pull yourself up by them! Why would you pay someone your hard-earned money to do something for you when you can do it yourself?!
D-I-Y OR D-I-E, BITCHES! after the jump.
It's January 2nd, people! Today happens to be one of my favorite days of the year, along with December 26th, November 1st, and February 15th, to name a few. If you're too busy crying over your Christmas Tree receipt to catch what those dates have in common, I'll spell it out for you: those are the dates when all the loser stores put all of their failure swag on pity sale and you, the cost-conscious consumer, can buy! buy! BUY! at reduced! Reduced! REDUCED!!! prices! Election Day pumpkin? Yes, please! Pearl Harbor Day Turkey? It's a meal that will live in infamy! Don't flap your jaw about lamb this and lion that, because in my house March comes in like a cupid and out like a cupid. We hunt for eggs on Mother's Day, god damn it.
January 2nd is, of course, the day after New Year's Day. The date may seem obvious to many of you, but remember that this blog is targeted towards the type of person that is waiting until August to buy his or her 2014 "Just Pomeranians!" calendar. But now that we're all on the same page, and that page is January 2nd, (which features a picture of a perky pomeranian in a field of poppies), we can get to the good stuff: Discount New Year's Resolutions!
Sure, you could go to a second-hand store and get used resolutions. But you'll have to spend hours picking through piles of "Lose weight" and "Quit smoking" before you get to anything good. When you finally find something worth resolving, it'll be smothered in the unmistakable stench of human failure. Bleccch. Not even bleach will get that out.
To get you excited about the prospect of a good bargain, here's a list of brand-new-in-the-box, mint condition Resolutions that you can take home at rock-bottom prices!
- Finally write PUPS! The Musical About Dogs (tm) because fuck cats, that's why.
- Fart in all of the continental 48 states (Alaska & Hawaii: 2015)
- Redesign the statue of liberty to look more like the Starbucks Logo
- Enter a contest or a room (whichever comes first)
- Change any gondola ride sign to "gonadola ride"
- get to 2nd base while watching Cry, the Beloved Country
- Eat a pastry made by a Vietnam Vet
- Quit smoking... hams
- Become the Horse Yeller
- Convince cul-de-sac to send least popular family adrift on an ice floe, Innuit-style
- Write the Great Estonian novel
- Follow a rainbow all the way to the end and shoot it
- Take one thing for granted every single day
- Finish master's in comparative anthropology thesis on microcultural differences between Mannequin and Mannequin II: On the Move
- Build time machine and go to prom with Bill Nye and/or Neil deGrasse Tyson
- Put butt somewhere it does NOT belong!!!
Now that's what I call Resolution, Volume NEW!!! Don't worry if none of these are to your taste; there are plenty more marked-down resolutions out there to satisfy even the pickiest of people. Now if you'll excuse me, I have to go put this angel... of democracy... on top of my President's Day tree,
Works on contingency? No! Money down!