"an anne frank diary in a lisa frank notebook"
- plato
  • Home
  • Pictures
  • Video
  • Resume
  • Writing
  • Contact
  • Calendar
  • Links & Archives
  • Who is this
"an anne frank diary in a lisa frank notebook"
- plato

a blog?

follow my
79-step plan
to
success,
success!
success?

Chapter 2 of CHUCKLESLUTS

1/31/2012

2 Comments

 
This is Chapter 2 of Chucklesluts, my sexually hot fictional story. Wait, should the title be underlined, italicized, or in quotes? Does erotica fall under the banner of MLA style guidelines? Quick, somebody call the respective estate of Strunk and White! I hear those guys knew a thing or two about sexy, sexy style.

Chapter 1 is here. Just as in the last post, the chapter is located after the jump. I'm sort of sensitive to you schlubs who might work in an a horrible office environment that could get pissy about you reading fake erotica. Wait did I say fake erotica, because I meant the most tantalizing chapter of written filth you have ever read. Yes, that's right, it is even sexier than the sequels to The Clan of the Cave Bear.

No pictures, just text. So the NSFW rating is up to you. If you don't want to risk it, here is a photo everyone can enjoy!
Picture
Awwwww. The bear thinks he's people! I like to imagine that this bear is Nature's CEO, and this picnic table is his mighty desk. He has called us into his office to fire us... from being alive! Oh no, run!

Enough of these Safe For Work distraction shenanigans! For the real deal, read more after ... the JUMP!
Picture

Read More
2 Comments

This s$%* just writes itself!

1/30/2012

2 Comments

 
America, I have bills to pay.  This should be of no surprise to anyone because I am a) an adult and b) not a spoiled nitwit. Paying bills is going okay, but like most of you I could use a little financial security buffer. What if I were to have an emergency, such as an immediate and pressing need for as many pretzel M&Ms as could fit into a pool? It has come to my attention that the adult industry is extremely lucrative, financially, and requires little to no actual talent. I figure, why not ride this ocean wave until it stops waving and becomes just some loser motionless lake. So if you are over 18, totally feelin' ready to think about boning, and not currently reading this on a public library computer (cause that is just messed up, bro), then read more!

Um, this post may be NSFW. There's no dirty pictures or anything (sorry), but I don't want to be held responsible if your dumb job can't handle swear words, white-hot text-based erotica (or as I like to call it, "white-hot sext-based e-write-ica"), or gross misconceptions of what is sexy on my part.

Read More
2 Comments

Maybe I Should Be Using A Skerpie?

1/23/2012

0 Comments

 
Guys, I think I have solved a problem. A lot of the time I am running from thing to thing to thing, and when you're running from thing to thing to thing, there just isn't a reliable internet connection. Sure I have a smartphone, because I am not some loser Luddite caveperson. But while smartphones are excellent for reading email and allowing the government to read your thoughts, they area not actually great for writing email and writing you thoughts to the government. Common thread: it sucks to type on a tiny device! Unless you are the Borrowers and you are already tiny, and then a smartphone isn't a phone at all; rather it is an extremely fun dance floor for your entire family.

But recently I figured out how to use my phone as a portable wireless router (read: I am not a loser Luddite caveman!). This means I can bring a laptop and type, type, type away - then post to the internet! I can even do it from the comfort of my car as I am parked outside of a tutoring client's house. Boy, they have a nice house. I wonder what they do for a living? Probably not tutor.

Anyway, the benefit is that I no longer have an excuse not to bring you excellent, amazing content such as the whole entry up until this point (don't read the rest, it's all downhill from here!). Also, this:

The 23 most Hilariously Bad Knockoff Brands


Picture
Personally I find the "Shupie" is the superior product
0 Comments

I Otter Be Posting More

1/20/2012

1 Comment

 
_Happy Friday, you guys. It was a pretty busy day for me. I had a Story Pirates gig and  TWO auditions - including a straight-to-callbacks session for a commercial. Skipping past first call and going straight to callbacks feels pretty awesome, but that wasn't even the highlight of my day. The highlight MIGHT have been around 9:30 am, when I was driving down Olympic Boulevard and an older gentleman in a beat-up pick-up truck started hollering at me.  It was one of those things where you hear noise and assume it's not directed at you, then you realize the screaming is an attempt to get your attention and you try to ignore it in case the person is angry or crazy? It turns out he wasn't angry or crazy, he just wanted to know if I had seen the commercial "with the woman who goes camping."

All of this stuff made for an awesome, fun-filled day. But the top moment has to go to the moment I laid eyes on this otter video. Look at these guys following their little otter dreams. LOOOOOOK AT IIIITTTTTT.

See you tomorrow!
1 Comment

I blog, therefore I PHUN...with Philosophy!

1/19/2012

0 Comments

 
This is Part 2 in a series of writings on the great philosophers that I call PHUN with Philosophy. PHUN is an acronym for "Patiently Having Unbelievable NACHOS," and NACHOS is an acronym for "New Appreciation for Classic Higher-Order Studies". If you'd like to take a moment to go back and catch yourself up, you may do so here. But if you're like most members of the human race, you're lazy. So I'll summarize thusly: my boyfriend earned his undergraduate degree in philosophy and shares his knowledge with me. I translate what he says for the masses. You, dear reader, are the masses. Congratulations! You belong to something!

In Part 1 we covered Plato, Socrates, and Aristotle. Today we are time-traveling all the way forward past the Dark Ages and into an era both important historical scholars and I like to call "The Fruity Years." I'm devoting the entire entry to this one dude, as his contributions to modern thought were so far-reaching and influential that he truly deserves a dedicated entry in some random comedian's blog. Also, I was tired of talking about philosophy and wanted to go back to watching 30 Rock. To find out just who this important 17th century thinker is, read more after... THE JUMP!
Picture

Read More
0 Comments

Science is Fun and Easy

1/18/2012

0 Comments

 
Hey dorkfaces. So you may or may not be aware that evolution is the bomb. Evolution by natural selection is an elegant and simple explanation for the vast variety of life that we see on our planet. Now normally this is the part where I'd link to a Wikipedia page where you can read all about evolution, but they're dark for the SOPA protest. SOPA protest, eh? Kind of makes me picture Mario and Luigi getting upset about taking a sudsy bath, but Congress can do what it likes.  So go ahead and read up on evolution and evolution by natural selection (Hint! They are not one and the same!), perhaps at your local library. Try the West Hollywood library, it is niiiiiiiiiiice!

I'm always looking for an evolutionary basis for modern human behavior. It is a fun game for me because no one ever wants to play with me and so I always win. But the other day, as I was crying into a my pillow which was a sweatshirt I found in the dumpster, I was thinking about depression. Just what exactly is the evolutionary purpose of depression? HMMMMMMMMMM, DARWIN? I guess... sadness makes us taste bad to lions? Just imagine, roughly 50,000 years ago or whatever, a sabre-toothed cat was stalking one of our ancestors out on the Savannah (and I'm NOT talkin' Savannah, Georgia! Wheeeedle boyyyy!). Our ancestor, we'll call him Og, had three options to choose from.

ONE: Get scared, run away.
TWO: Get angry, fight lion.
THREE: Do nothing, become lion food.

Or did he? Because maybe, just maybe, depression is as off-putting to predators as it is to friends and potential sex partners! Og was all "Oh hey lion, what's up. Just standing here in the Savannah where nobody loves me. I woke up today... wished I hadn't. It's like you wake up, go out on the mammoth hunt, sit around the fire that Derg invented, go to bed, then wake up and do it all over again. Derg invented fire. I'll never invent anything. You know what I mean, lion? Lion?" But the lion doesn't answer because a) the lion doesn't have the capacity for language and b) hoooo boy, that lion is hella outta there! That lion likes a  nice tender caveman but depressed meat tastes all tough and gamey!

So all I'm saying is that Og shouldn't have been so sad because he truly left us, humanity, a fine legacy. Which of course means that he SHOULD be so sad, because if he hadn't been so sad, he would have been eaten by the lion, which means... oh no! Some kind of paradox! Quick, provide a link to a squirrel dressed in elaborate outfits and run away!



THE END
0 Comments

How to Coolness: The Third

1/10/2012

0 Comments

 
If you're just catching up (and who isn't in this crazy work-a-day world), I am constantly offering you, John Q Internet, informative tips on how to coolness. Coolnessing and how to do it are chronicled in my multi-part series "How to Coolness." How many parts are there in the series? I thought you'd never ask! No really, I thought you'd never ask and so I didn't make a plan. Oops! I mean, I planned the entire series out very carefully and am working on a multi-billion dollar book deal as we speak! Note to you, the reader: Do not point out the fact that "multi-part" is implied by "series".

When you see the jumping cat, you'll know what to do. And that's read more after.. THE JUMP!

Picture

Read More
0 Comments

A Family Affair To Remember the Alamo

1/3/2012

2 Comments

 
Okay, okay, so the past couple of weeks have been hectic and I haven't been keeping up with the blog. It is like the blog is an athlete who runs a four minute mile and I am a non-athlete who just takes the bus instead. But here's news for that smug athlete: buses have engines, Mr or Mrs Athlete. And no matter how fast you run, eventually us bus folks are going to catch up with you. So while you're sweating and struggling your way to the finish line, be sure to look up at the bus whizzing by you. I'll be the one you see through the window eatin' dollar store potato chips and living the good life. What does exercise get you, anyhow? NOTHING. 

The last couple of weeks I have been spending a lot of time with my family. This is very typical behavior for many families at the holiday-rich time of year. What makes this behavior slightly atypical is that my family is insane. Not the detrimental kind of insane that leads to lots of tears and car crashes and documentary-style shows on A&E. No, we're the kind of nuts that nestles into the sweet spot that I like to call the FUNcanny Valley, where madness and hilarity meet.   In other words, we're like Rip Taylor.  

I sort of feel like those hardscrabble prospectors who came to California during the Gold Rush. You know the ones I mean. The ones that founded that football team? God I hate those guys. But when they got to California, they discovered a rich vein of sweet, juicy gold ore running down the plain old rock. Those prospectors mined the hell out of that vein, creating whole towns out of desert with just a little magic golden mineral. Of course, once the gold ran out and the football team started losing, these towns would lose residents and become ghost towns. After that point, the only sustainable business was making sandwiches for the Scooby Doo Gang when the Mystery Machine rolled into town to solve a ghost-related mystery. Sad, sad story. 

Anyway, my point is that my family is nuts and that it's comedy gold, which I am planning to mine for all it's worth. I like to make only those New Year's Resolutions that are keep-able. Hence, this year's resolution is "Lovingly mock family." I hope you will join me in the next few weeks as I strive to keep this resolution because, hey, it's way better than running a four minute mile. AIN'T THAT RIGHT, MR OR MRS ATHLETE. Yeah, he or she heard me.


2 Comments

    RSS Feed

    Categories

    All
    Animals
    Around Towne
    Bragging
    Chucklesluts
    Coolness
    Erwriteica
    Ewriteica
    Funvention Korner
    Girl Stuff
    Improv
    Lil' Set Tip
    News
    On Set
    Philosophy 101
    Press
    Rare Bird Show
    Tv Pitches

    Archives

    January 2016
    June 2015
    May 2015
    April 2015
    March 2015
    December 2014
    August 2014
    March 2014
    February 2014
    January 2014
    December 2013
    August 2013
    June 2013
    March 2013
    November 2012
    October 2012
    September 2012
    May 2012
    April 2012
    March 2012
    February 2012
    January 2012
    December 2011
    November 2011
    October 2011
    August 2011

    Author

    Works on contingency? No! Money down!

Powered by Create your own unique website with customizable templates.