As it turns out, he was not leaving deeply encrypted messages about no one having me if he couldn't have me. He was simply thanking me for not stealing his package off of his doorstep, I think? Which is a weird thing to appreciate because where the hell did you live that having your mail stolen became your normal? But whatever, free magazine!
Combing through the bounty, I was relieved to see it contained the latest issue of Cosmopolitan. Phew! Let's face it, you guys: A bag full of women's magazines would not be a bag full of women's magazines without a copy of Cosmo. It would be like having a world war and not even inviting Germany! I mean, I'm not going to buy one of their damn magazines or anything- unless I'm getting on an airplane. In that case, I am handing my life over to a couple of middle-aged Texans in crappy American Flag ties steering a metal can through thin air 30,000 feet above planet Earth. In that case, I need something that makes me feel stupider than the pilots. But yeah, under normal circumstances, you don't spend actual money on Cosmo.
But there's something still enjoyable about Cosmo, no? The same kind of enjoyment you get from eating an uber-processed, sugary cereal right outta the box? The kind of cereal that's so gross they can't even spell its name like a real English word? And you're getting kinda sick but you just keep eating it and eating it until you hate yourself but you're physically unable to prevent yourself from cramming the next fistful into your idiot face unless you throw the box away? Yeah, reading Cosmo is that kind of fun.
Wait, where am I? The whole point of this introduction was to explain why I decided to write this stupid blog post in the first place, and now I'm getting frustrated. Ugh. I think my point is that I can write one of those stupid articles, too. So Cosmo, or any of you other magazines that arbitrarily shorten words to sound cute (arbitrarbs sho wor to so cu?), the ball is now in your court. Article after the the jump.
No graphic pictures, but don't read at work if your bosses are upset by frequent mention of the word sex, and probably don't read at a library unless you want to get a reputation for being the guy that goes to the library to read dirty stuff, and definitely don't read at a school full of children, what is wrong with you.
also: don't actually do any of these