In order of appearance:

1.Gay-orge Washington
2. John Adams: Loser
3. Thomas Heiferson
4. James Mad Pussy Disease 
5. James Morone
6. John Adams
7. Andrew "Likes it in the Back, son" Jackson
8. Martin "Windowless Rape" Van Buren
9. Thirty Day Willie
10. John Tinker Tyler Soldier Spy
11. James K. Puke
12. Zachary Taylor Went to Baylor
13. Millard Fillmore Buttholes
14. Franklin Pierced Lung
15. James Pube-cannon
16. Abraham Stinkin'
17. Don Johnson
18. Ulysses Ass Pant
19. Rubberturd B. Gays
20. James Fartfield
21. Chest-hair Bea Arthur
22. Groper Cleveland
23. Hentai-fan Harrison
24. Back for more? OK then! Boner Cleveland
25. Will-him My Kidney (because McKinley notoriously hated both organ donation AND filtration)
26. Theodore Boobs-were-felt
27. William Howard Fat
28. Woody Willie
29. Warren G Hard-on
30. Calvin Poo-lidge
31. Her-butt Pooper
32. Wheels
33. Furry? Yes! True, Man
34. Dwight D. Doesn't-shower
35. The President with the Convertible Skull
36. Lickin' Boys' Johnsons
37. Dick Nix
38. Gerald Can't A-Ford Lunch Today
39. Jimmy Farter
40. Raw-balled Rogaine
41. Engorged Bush
42. America's Most-Loved Sax Offender
43. Engorged DOOOUBLE Bush
44. Buttcrack Obama



BONUS GERMAN CHANCELLOR NICKNAME:
Angela Merkin

Oh man, the history buff money is ROLLING IN! Just the other day, I found a quarter on the ground! Looks like my ship has come in- my MONEY SHIP! Note: a money ship is a lot like a money clip, except a) it's bigger, b) it floats, and c) it has T-Pain hanging out on it. So as long as this ship is docking, I'm gonna keep reporting th e history.

July 20th, 1969: the astronauts of Apollo 11 landed on the moon. But we're not here to talk about what happened on that famous Sunday. We're here to get the scoop on the poop on the not-quite-as-famous Friday before.

Read more after the jump.... to SPAAAAAAAACE!

I CELEBRATE myself, and sing myself,
And what I assume you shall assume,
For every atom belonging to me as good belongs to you. Except I am better,
Because I was the CEO of eBay.

After the recent success of my incredible post on the history of pizza, I've realized that I may have another calling. This whole acting/comedy/improv thing may be but a brief stop on the choo-choo-choose a career train. Next stop: HISTORY BUFF TOWN!

Hey! Did you ever noticed that you "train" for a new career, and that I used a different meaning of the word "train" to discuss career selection? What a world we live in! Anyway! I'm pretty sure I'm meant to be one of those highly-paid History Channel experts, one of those highly-paid historical reenactors, or one of those highly-paid history museum docents. Really anything highly-paid (which is ANYTHING history-related, I assume). I imagine there are hundreds of cigar-chewing history textbook publishing executives reading this blog as we speak, so if one of you guys could hook me up with a lucrative history contract, that would be great.

Everybody knows about the famous time when a bunch of Greek or Greek-like guys stuffed themselves into a wooden horse like they were olive-and-feta stuffing and it was a turkey. But do you know about the Friday BEFORE the sneak attack? Odysseus was having a huge rager at his house. He liked to invite his soldiers over to play the Ancient Greek drinking game Edward Hekatonhands, in which players had to bind hundred-ounce jars  of Ouzo ("Hekatonies") to their hands. Players were not permitted to remove either Hekatony until they had consumed the contents of both. 

The practice is described here in a passage from Virgil's Aeneid:


After many years have slipped by, the leaders of the Greeks,
opposed by the Fates, and damaged by the war,
build a horse of mountainous size, through Pallas’s divine art,
and weave planks of fir over its ribs:
but before they could take the horse to Trojan's gate,
Sinon got super wasted and tried to make an offering to the porcelain god.
He did not make it and just threw up on his own tunic. 
It was classic.

HAY

HAY YOU GUISE

HAYYY LOOK

This post is a-comin' awful-late-in-the-day-like. I was on set all day shooting a web commercial. I can't talk about the project or the even the brand until the video is officially released, but I can tell you this much: IT WAS AWESOME.

In the mean time, please enjoy some of these rap nicknames I have come up with for various US Presidents.

Ulysses S Grant
U-Grant aka Uly$$e$ aka Da Alkoholik

Franklin Roosevelt
Big Sitta aka Deuceavelt aka The Notorious F.D.R.

William Jefferson Clinton
Clintwon the Chef aka Mad Billz aka Dr/ Pusssy  (yes with 3 s's that is not a mistake)

Throw out your no-carb diet books and your disdain for children, because Halloween is slowly creeping up on us like a shady Uncle. Last week I provided you with a few jokes that are fun and safe to tell just about anywhere: the office, preschools, sperm banks, in line at the sex offender registry, etc. Here are a few more jokes you can use to get into the Halloween swing!

Q. Who was the ghost that was once married to Jane Kaczmarek?
A. Boo-radley Whitford!


Q. Why was the angry skeleton embarrassed at the debutante ball?
A. He had a raging BONER!  (which is understandable, but very rude)


Knock, knock
Who's there?
Boo!
Boo who?
Boo Radley, from To Kill A Mockingbird. Read a book, asshole!


Q. Why did the Mummies get to work on the Manhattan Project?
A. Because they were EMBALMED. See, the managers of the project thought they meant "bombed". Very unwise to neglect using written contracts.


Q. Why did the parents lock the haunted liquor cabinet?
A. They didn't want their kids getting into the spirits! Plus they hate fun!


Q. What does a vampire fear the most?
A. That is something I do not feel comfortable disclosing, as a vampire is a patient of mine.


Knock knock.
Who's there?
Witch.
Witch who?
Witch Shakespeare play had those damn whiches in it? I can't keep them straight. Also, when do I use which and when do I use witch? Man, English is hard.


Q. Why did PETA throw paint on the lycanthropes?
A. Because PETA are a bunch of assholes, that's why.


A family of zombies walks into a talent agency. The agent, who is very busy and important, shoos the family out. The father says "Wait, wait! Let us show you our act first!" The agent, who is busy and important but also has a heart, says "Ok. What is it that you do?" The father says " Oh just you wait." As the agent watches, interested piqued, the zombie family goes into a huddle. They whisper unintelligibly, then suddenly shout "1-2-3 FAMILY!" The zombies assume a diamond formation. The father pulls out a tiny boombox, sets it on the ground, and hits the play button. Habanera from Carmen begins to play. Each family member pulls out a set of handcrafted castanets. They advance towards the agent to the rhythm of the famed aria, snapping away. The agent watches, transfixed. The zombies come closer and closer. As the music reaches a fever pitch, the zombies surround the agent at his desk and TEAR INTO HIS FLESH!!!! Hungrily they claw at his fancy agent suit and tear it from his agent body. The youngest tears the agent's  agent-y bluetooth headset from his agent ear before eating his sweet, sweet agent cheek fat. I mean, they just really eat the shit outta this guy. Suddenly, the music stops and the family strikes a triumphant pose. They wait and wait. The agent lays there, half-chewed guts all strung out over his agent desk, headshots covered in blood. The family waits. Then the zombie Dad says, "THE ARISTOCRATS!"

HUMOR OVER!

Guys, I don't have to tell you that the majority of information contained in history books is lies, lies, lies.  All Teapot Dome Scandal this, Surrender at Appomattox that, and yet not a single mention of HIStory: Past, Present and Future, Book I. It's the greatest non-criminal conspiracy since New Coke!

Flip any standard history textbook open to any page, point your finger at some words, and you'll be soaking your finger-oilies all over total bullshit.  Just take a look at the roster of famous history majors: Katharine Hepburn, Edward Norton, Ellen Barkin. Those actors don't even play the same people from movie to movie! You know who else was a history major? RICHARD M. NIXON! And you know who else? PINOCCHIO, I THINK. And you know who else? You know my Aunt Louise, who always RSVPs that she's coming to things but then backs out at the last minute and always has some flimsy excuse about the car being broken, or how sick she's feeling cough cough? HER!

So when you want to know what happened and when it happened, to whom do you go to for information That's right: TO ME! Right here on THIS VERY BLOG!  I'm a gutsy outsider, taking on the history major establishment one fact at a time. Today I'll be schooly d-ing you in the history of one of America's favorite foods: PIZZA! 

This cat knows history. This cat IS history.

Be honest: how many of you cried SUPER HARD because I didn't have a post up yesterday? Yeahhh, I thought so. ALL OF YOU. All curled up in a ball, wedged into the crevice of your couch imagining it's a gutter. I hear there's a job opening for Town Crier, maybe you should apply! Hey buddy, what kind of car are you driving there? I bet it's a CRY-sler! You know what you should do with your body after you die? CRY-ogenically freeze it! BWAH HA HA HA HA

Enough belittling! We have important business to attend to. You took your sassing with grace, and so you have earned a blog post. This is a story about all the gay animals at the gay zoo that celebrated National Coming Out Day.

Ladies and gentlemen, we are just a few short weeks away from Election Day. That's anywhere from three to three hundred and sixty five days. Sorry that's not a more specific number. I don't have time to look up the actual number of days before the election, and my Vice President of Counting Down To An Event recently left to found IsItChristmas.com.  I'd ask my Countdown To An Event intern, but we haven't had one of those since the day the Olsen twins finally turned 18. Ugly, ugly stuff.

Anyway, you're probably so excited for the upcoming weeks that you are hard and/or wet! Yes, you are soaking wet from watering your patriotic victory garden so much, and you are hard from the additional muscle you've put on as a result of lifting heavy campaign signs! What an exciting time! Also, your sex junk is all tingly.

I know my dozens and dozens of readers count on me for up-to-the-minute coverage de eleccion (which is French for "Election Coverage said in a made-up Spanish dialect"). I shall not disappoint. I AM YOUR BLOGGER AND YE SHALL NOT WANT! Now, go forth! And click on the Read More link! AND REEEEEAAAAAAAD MORRRRRRRRRRRREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!

Hey America! Tired of all of the Columbus Day-themed Facebook whining? Ready for a holiday - or should I say HELLiday - that can make you laugh? I know I am. But don't throw your money away on one of those cheap, "professionally published" joke books. Come on down to Alexis Simpson's Halloween Joke-porium, where the jokes are free and mostly safe for human consumption! Ha ha, consumption. A lot of people died from that once! HALLOWEEEEEEEEEEN!

JOKE TIME

Q: What is a ghost's favorite month?
A: Not the one he or she died in, probably!

Knock knock!
Who's there?
Halloween!
Halloween who?
Halloween your child off of breast milk for God's sake, he's six years old!


Two ghosts walk into a bar, and everyone got reeeeaaaaallllly cold without knowing why.


Q: Why didn't Dracula have any friends?
A: He was a narcissist!


Q: What company did the monster engineers' union sue for harassment?
A: BOOOOOOOOEING


A skeleton walks in to a bar. He goes to the bartender and says, "I'm going to need a beer and a mop, because I am an alcoholic, and also a neat freak." Then the bartender cried.


Knock knock!
Who's there?
Orange!
Orange who?
Orange is the Protestant color of protest.
What does that have to do with Halloween?
I dunno. OH SHIT LOOKOUT IT'S A MONSTER!


Q. Why was the little monster crying?
A. His Mummy was deemed unfit to parent by child protective services!


Q. Why were the bees eating each other? And when I say eating each other, I mean tearing into each other without a second thought or a shred of remorse. We're not talking Alive-style, survival eating of one's own kind. This was pointless cannibalism. The bees staggered past their normal food sources of pollen and nectar and tore into the flesh of their bretheren. OH THE HUMANITY! THE AGONY!
A. They were ZOM-bees!

HAPPY HOWLIDAYS, A-BUTTS!