2. There's some trash by the side of the road. Gross!
3. The late Senator Robert Byrd is, well, late, so someone's gotta weep for they country.
4. They cut the Alistair Quince monologues out of the DVD release of Mama's Family!
5. The bananas were yellow but they've TURNED ALL BROWWWWWN
6. You went to sit on a chair and sat on a tack.
7. Some asshole left a cake out in the rain.
8. You're trying to maitre-d' Chez Quis like you do and some teenage punk is trying to front as THE Abe Froman- THE Sausage King of Chicago!
9. For Adonais - HE IS DEEEEEEEAD
10. You're Percy Bysshe Shelley and Mary is withholding the choooooch.
11. You went to sit on a chair and fell down a well.
12. Cause like, the sunset; it's just so beautiful, man.
13. Because drugs are expensive!
14. It wasn't supposed to be like this: science chose self-driving cars over hovercars.
15. People born in 1994 can vote.
16. THE DREAM TEAM WENT TO BARCELONA AND NOBODY PAID ENOUGH ATTENTION TO JOHN STOCKTON
17. Kim Kardashian made about $75 in the time it took you to read this.
18. $100 if you're a slow reader.
19. You're a slow reader.
20. You went to sit on a chair and sat on a trumpet, which would have been kind of funny, except you farted and the trumpet sort of amplified it so that EVERYBODY heard it, so it was just embarrassing.
21. PEOPLE ARE STILL MIXING UP THEY'RE AND THEIR AND THERE WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK
22. Teachers have to use fewer and fewer resources to teach more and more students, yet still get called lazy by campaigning millionaires.
23. The Simpsons: it just ain't what it used to be.
24. Family Guy: it is exactly what it used to be.
25. OH SHIT THAT SARAH MCLACHALACHALACHALAN DOG SHELTER VIDEO IS ON AGAIN JESUS CHRIST RUN
26. It took so long to bake that cake. So long! And someone just LEFT IT OUT. Who does that?!??
27. NASCAR: still more popular than soccer!
28. NASCAR: still more popular than algebra!
29: NASCAR: still more popular than afforable preventative health care!
30: NASCAR: less popular than One Direction.
30. You're working a waitress job to support yourself as you launch a brand new business, and last night you had to tip out 47% of your money to the lazy bartenders, who brought in about half as much as you did.
31. Kim Kardashian is up to $200!
32. That wooly mammoth at the Smithsonian probably died alone.
33. Seriously, who leaves a cake outside? Assholes.