"an anne frank diary in a lisa frank notebook"
- plato
  • Home
  • Pictures
  • Video
  • Resume
  • Writing
  • Contact
  • Calendar
  • Links & Archives
  • Who is this
"an anne frank diary in a lisa frank notebook"
- plato

a blog?

follow my
79-step plan
to
success,
success!
success?

6 Signs You're in a Relationship With a Person and Not a Filthy Pile of Rags

5/22/2015

1 Comment

 
These days in our modern times that are now, it can be very hard to tell if you are in a relationship or not! Even harder is knowing if you're in a relationship with the right person or the wrong filthy pile of rags. Luckily, the internet is little more than a steaming pile of digestible lists that can tell you how to live your stupid life better and/or whether you are even living it! So I present to you this list of six signs you are DEFINITELY in a relationship with a person and not a filthy pile of rags. Life is short so be long! #blessed!
1) HE SPEAKS TO YOU IN A HUMAN LANGUAGE
Guys are famous for having a hard time expressing how they really feel. But an inanimate object, such as a filthy pile of rags, will have an even harder time because it lacks the proper anatomy to produce the sounds or gestures that are the base components of human speech. If your man is speaking to you in a language such as English, Spanish, Arabic, Chinese, Urdu, or sign language, it's a good sign that you're in a relationship with a person.

2) SHE NOTICES THE LITTLE THINGS BECAUSE SHE HAS A FUNCTIONING PERIPHERAL NERVOUS SYSTEM
It can be hard to tell if your partner is taking you for granted or if she's a long-forgotten pile of filthy rags that was once intended as an "upcycle" project. But if she is using her eyes, ears, or hands to detect stimuli in the external world, it's very likely that you have gotten involved with a person. Bonus points if she uses various neural networks to interpret the meaning of these stimuli!

3) HE MENTALLY RESERVES A "DATE NIGHT" FOR JUST THE TWO OF YOU USING HIS PREFRONTAL CORTEX, WHICH HE HAS
Your guy may talk the talk and walk the walk and have eyes, but until he is exhibiting executive functions like planning and working memory (say, looking up a restaurant on Yelp and remembering the phone number long enough to dial it), there's just no way to be sure he isn't a sad heap of castaway cloth too disgusting to even put in the hamper. 

4) SHE SPENDS TIME DOING ACTIVITIES BOTH OF YOU LOVE INSTEAD OF EXISTING INDEFINITELY AS A SESSILE LUMP
Spending time together is a one of the most important aspects of a healthy, human, non-rag relationship. Some couples enjoy active hobbies like biking, hiking, or tennis. However, enjoyment of more sedentary activities, like a night at the movies or a couple's game of chess, is still a good sign that you are dating a person. But if you haven't ever seen your partner move, it could be a sign that she lacks standard human physiological features like muscle tissue and motor neurons, and is probably a heap of discarded t-shirts and underwear.

5) HE ENCOURAGES CHARACTER DEVELOPMENT AND RESISTS MOLD GROWTH
Is he the kind of partner that challenges you to be your best self? Or is he the kind of partner that remains motionless in a forgotten corner of the garage and incubates Peronosporaceae? If it's the latter, watch out. That's a family you DON'T want to meet!

6) SHE IS BAD AT ABSORBING SPILLS
The next time you knock over a glass of chianti, reach for your partner. If the Tuscan wine is just kind of smearing around and spreading all over the floor, you are definitely in a relationship with a person. If it soaks into her cotton-poly blend fibers, sorry. It's rags.
1 Comment
Johnny Fish Eyes.
5/27/2015 04:25:15 am

I had been riddled with guilt for the past 6 months by the weight of an illicit affair I had been hiding form my wife.

Imagine my relief at properly identifying the "home wrecker" as a filthy pile of rags.

Painful and expensive divorce side stepped.

Thanks Entertainment Matron!

Reply



Leave a Reply.

    RSS Feed

    Categories

    All
    Animals
    Around Towne
    Bragging
    Chucklesluts
    Coolness
    Erwriteica
    Ewriteica
    Funvention Korner
    Girl Stuff
    Improv
    Lil' Set Tip
    News
    On Set
    Philosophy 101
    Press
    Rare Bird Show
    Tv Pitches

    Archives

    January 2016
    June 2015
    May 2015
    April 2015
    March 2015
    December 2014
    August 2014
    March 2014
    February 2014
    January 2014
    December 2013
    August 2013
    June 2013
    March 2013
    November 2012
    October 2012
    September 2012
    May 2012
    April 2012
    March 2012
    February 2012
    January 2012
    December 2011
    November 2011
    October 2011
    August 2011

    Author

    Works on contingency? No! Money down!

Powered by Create your own unique website with customizable templates.