HGTV. Pinterest. The Self-Help section. What do these things have in common? They epitomize the Great America Dream best conveyed in the classic Irving Berlin lyrics "Anything you can do I can do better." Actually, in keeping with the spirit of the song, I can express that better as "Anything anyone else can do, I can do cheaper!" This is America, damnit! This is the nation that invented bootstraps and subsequently the ability to pull yourself up by them! Why would you pay someone your hard-earned money to do something for you when you can do it yourself?!
D-I-Y OR D-I-E, BITCHES! after the jump.
D-I-Y OR D-I-E, BITCHES! after the jump.
Also: building things keeps satan at bay!
TIP #1! Self-transport!
Airline travel is the worst, amiright? It's all "stand in this security line" this, "stand in this boarding line" that, and don't even get me started on all the "oh sorry ma'am or sir it is inconvenient and unsafe and also prohibited by the FAA for you to go to the bathroom right now." Well, excuuuuse me for drinking two grande coffees and forgetting to wear a diaper! Oh right, I don't wear a diaper, because I'M AN INDEPENDENT ADULT WOMAN!!!
Airline travel is the worst, amiright? It's all "stand in this security line" this, "stand in this boarding line" that, and don't even get me started on all the "oh sorry ma'am or sir it is inconvenient and unsafe and also prohibited by the FAA for you to go to the bathroom right now." Well, excuuuuse me for drinking two grande coffees and forgetting to wear a diaper! Oh right, I don't wear a diaper, because I'M AN INDEPENDENT ADULT WOMAN!!!
They use the toilet WHERE THEY WANT, WHEN THEY WANT
Anyway, save yourself the frustration of letting some clown-ass "pilot" pilot you to your destination and it's as easy as 1-2-3!
Step 1: Build a plane*
Step 2: Fly it
Step 3: Land at your destination!
*if you're short on time, prefabricated plane may be substituted
TIP #2! Self-fulfilling prophecies!
Sure, we all want to know the future, but trips to your neighborhood psychic can really add up! Say things like "I know I'm going to fail this exam" or "I probably won't even get the job interview, much less this job" and, when failure inevitably happens, bask in the knowledge that you saw it coming! Thanks, Robert K. Merton!
Step 1: Build a plane*
Step 2: Fly it
Step 3: Land at your destination!
*if you're short on time, prefabricated plane may be substituted
TIP #2! Self-fulfilling prophecies!
Sure, we all want to know the future, but trips to your neighborhood psychic can really add up! Say things like "I know I'm going to fail this exam" or "I probably won't even get the job interview, much less this job" and, when failure inevitably happens, bask in the knowledge that you saw it coming! Thanks, Robert K. Merton!
"You're welcome... rwarr!"
If you're easily overwhelmed by big projects, then this is the tip for you! It's even easier than our last DIY project!
Step 1: Think the worst
Step 2: Wait!
TIP #3! Goverment!
Boy, the Federal Government is expensive! Those guys spend billions of dollars on everything! What's a citizen to do?
Well, duh, didn't I already mention that this is America? The nation that invented doing it yourself? Who needs flashy red coats and fancy-ass food rations to win a war? Not us freedom-loving go-getters! We didn't need a King telling us how to pay our taxes THEN and we don't need a democratically elected body of representatives and moderately-compensated career professionals to tell us how to pay our taxes NOW!
Step 1: Think the worst
Step 2: Wait!
TIP #3! Goverment!
Boy, the Federal Government is expensive! Those guys spend billions of dollars on everything! What's a citizen to do?
Well, duh, didn't I already mention that this is America? The nation that invented doing it yourself? Who needs flashy red coats and fancy-ass food rations to win a war? Not us freedom-loving go-getters! We didn't need a King telling us how to pay our taxes THEN and we don't need a democratically elected body of representatives and moderately-compensated career professionals to tell us how to pay our taxes NOW!
weeeeeeeeheeeeeeeeouuuuuuuuhawww!!!
This one's not as easy as 1-2-3, but it is as easy as 1-2-3-4-5-6. You can count to 6, can't you? Just put your lips together... and count to 6!
Step 1: Stockpile food and weapons
Step 2: Secede from the U.S.
Step 3: Design your flag! Here are some inspirations from Pinterest to get you started
Step 4: Fight off wave after wave of military assault from previous governing body of your newly independent territory
Step 5: Celebrate your victory!
Step 6: Live happily ever after
Roads, hospitals, infrastructure, etc. will all take care of them selves under the guiding hand of the infallible and unrestrained free market.
TIP #4! Electricity!
Thinking about all those founding fathers gathering up their collective chutzpah to self-govern made me think of the chutzpah-iest one of them all: Benjamin Franklin. He chutzpahed so hard he had mistresses coming out of every one of his freedom holes, PLUS he invented the stove. What did YOU do today?
One of the greatest contributions America's Favorite President Exactly Because He Was Never President made was the stealing of electricity. Ol' Frankie knew better than to pay those expensive electric company rates and fees when there was perfectly good electricity to be freely harvested from the sky.
Step 1: Stockpile food and weapons
Step 2: Secede from the U.S.
Step 3: Design your flag! Here are some inspirations from Pinterest to get you started
Step 4: Fight off wave after wave of military assault from previous governing body of your newly independent territory
Step 5: Celebrate your victory!
Step 6: Live happily ever after
Roads, hospitals, infrastructure, etc. will all take care of them selves under the guiding hand of the infallible and unrestrained free market.
TIP #4! Electricity!
Thinking about all those founding fathers gathering up their collective chutzpah to self-govern made me think of the chutzpah-iest one of them all: Benjamin Franklin. He chutzpahed so hard he had mistresses coming out of every one of his freedom holes, PLUS he invented the stove. What did YOU do today?
One of the greatest contributions America's Favorite President Exactly Because He Was Never President made was the stealing of electricity. Ol' Frankie knew better than to pay those expensive electric company rates and fees when there was perfectly good electricity to be freely harvested from the sky.
Artist's Rendition
DIY FYI: If you are planning to try tip #3, you are definitely going to need tip #4.
Step 1: Fashion a kite out of sticks and an old shirt
Step 2: Wait for it to rain. If you live in a desert, move.
Step 3: Attach kite string to a metal object (eg; a bike rack, a tooth filling)
Step 4: Fly kite into thundering storm cloud
Step 5 (this one is crucial): Don't die
TIP #5! Selfie!
This tip isn't going to win you any friends, but you didn't get into the Do-It-Yourself lifestyle to be liked! Besides, liking yourself is something you can do yourself! HATERS TO THE LEFT!
Step 1: Fashion a kite out of sticks and an old shirt
Step 2: Wait for it to rain. If you live in a desert, move.
Step 3: Attach kite string to a metal object (eg; a bike rack, a tooth filling)
Step 4: Fly kite into thundering storm cloud
Step 5 (this one is crucial): Don't die
TIP #5! Selfie!
This tip isn't going to win you any friends, but you didn't get into the Do-It-Yourself lifestyle to be liked! Besides, liking yourself is something you can do yourself! HATERS TO THE LEFT!
Still not wearing diapers, beyotches!
Anyway, goodbye Sears Portrait Studio! Take a photo of yourself with your cell phone - oh I'm sorry, I meant SELF phone - and watch the $aving$ pile up!
Step 1: Charge your phone and/or camera
Step 2: Make your own duckface. Here are some inspirations from Pinterest to get you started
Step 3: Hold the phone approximately arm's length from your face
Step 4: Press "click"
Step 5: Send to all your friends and bosses!!!
Tip #6! Concept Album!
Albums have literally never cost as much as they do today, which is a statement that can be backed up by research if I cared to do any. The worst part is, after paying all that dough for the latest Lady GougeGouge or Katy Kash Kow Perry record, that you put the record on and it isn't even ABOUT anything!!
It is EXHAUSTING to listen to album after album after album that is just a collection of songs! Whatever happened to the concept of the concept album? Oh that's right, it faded into obscurity because ALL CONCEPT ALBUMS THAT AREN'T YOURS SUCKED! Who wants to hear about a magical pinball player or some loser stardust rock band, anyway? Nobody.
Boooooooring!
You've got a thousand great ideas for albums in your head and you would be really good at the guitar, if you tried it. Why not put those dollars you've been spending on CDs* into CDs** and make your own album? Then they'll see. THEY'LL ALL SEE!!! WWAAAHUUH ARE YOU DRUNK WITH POWER YET?
*compact discs
**certificates of deposit
Step 1: Learn guitar
Step 2: Audition a drummer
Step 3: Fight over which band name is cooler: God Says The Little Children or The Stupid Assholes
Step 4: Promise one another "not to get pigeonholed into any one genre" and to "always make it about the music, man"
Step 5: Record tracks 1-4
Step 6: Fight over which is a better album name: And The Man Came Into Awakehood Amongst Himself and Others of His Kind or FÜKRØK
Step 7: Have drummer overdose on heroin and die
Step 8: Put all the petty shit behind you and record an album that really means something, man.
Step 9: Dedicate the album to Crash. He was a hellofa guy.
Welp, that'll do it for today's DIY tips! Tune in next time for the best ways to better yourself, yourself!
*compact discs
**certificates of deposit
Step 1: Learn guitar
Step 2: Audition a drummer
Step 3: Fight over which band name is cooler: God Says The Little Children or The Stupid Assholes
Step 4: Promise one another "not to get pigeonholed into any one genre" and to "always make it about the music, man"
Step 5: Record tracks 1-4
Step 6: Fight over which is a better album name: And The Man Came Into Awakehood Amongst Himself and Others of His Kind or FÜKRØK
Step 7: Have drummer overdose on heroin and die
Step 8: Put all the petty shit behind you and record an album that really means something, man.
Step 9: Dedicate the album to Crash. He was a hellofa guy.
Welp, that'll do it for today's DIY tips! Tune in next time for the best ways to better yourself, yourself!
RSS Feed
