I am well respected in the cat community. Cats consistently look to me for advice. Do you know how many letters I receive every week, from cats? They're not really letters as much as they are pitiful miaowings to be let in or out. But they are as God made them (read: unable to write. I mean, have you read The Cat Bible? Total nonsense).
So color me TICKLED when I was out shopping recently (for dresses just like the ones worn by those freaky twins from The Shining, of course) and what did I spy? A bleached blonde pushing sixty and a shopping cart, decked out in Ed Hardy? CHECK! A woman digging through the clearance rack while holding her toddler upside down? MATE! A guy who I am 90 percent sure was the resurrected BayWatch version of beloved actor Pat Morita? KING ME!!! But more importantly than all that, and relevant to this blog, I saw:
So color me TICKLED when I was out shopping recently (for dresses just like the ones worn by those freaky twins from The Shining, of course) and what did I spy? A bleached blonde pushing sixty and a shopping cart, decked out in Ed Hardy? CHECK! A woman digging through the clearance rack while holding her toddler upside down? MATE! A guy who I am 90 percent sure was the resurrected BayWatch version of beloved actor Pat Morita? KING ME!!! But more importantly than all that, and relevant to this blog, I saw:
CHRIIIIIIIISTMASSSSS SHIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIT!!!!
Oh, man! This is hella good news any way you slice it! I know a lot of you "haters" are upset that Christmas decorations are being trotted out to store shelves well before their traditional season. You may even go so far as to say that Christmas is the hot younger sister gettin' wasted and banging other holidays at Halloween's debutante ball. "THIS WAS SUPPOSED TO BE SATAN'S NIGHT!!!", you cry, made-in-China stockings from Target's dollar bins clutched in your sweaty fingers.
I say quit being such a screamy weirdo in public. Christmas decorations for sale mean one awesome thing and one awesome thing only: It's time for my annual GIFT GUIDE TO GIVING GIFTS: A Gift Guide For Cats! I publish this guide as part of my never-ending effort to ensure the cats of the world don't feel awkward when faced with decisions about what to get their owners. Read on... after the JUMP!
I say quit being such a screamy weirdo in public. Christmas decorations for sale mean one awesome thing and one awesome thing only: It's time for my annual GIFT GUIDE TO GIVING GIFTS: A Gift Guide For Cats! I publish this guide as part of my never-ending effort to ensure the cats of the world don't feel awkward when faced with decisions about what to get their owners. Read on... after the JUMP!
This time I used a jumping dog, just to keep those cats humble.
Gift Guide to Giving Gifts: A Gift Guide for Cats
CATS! Aunty Alexis is back in the saddle! What saddle? THE GIFT GUIDE SADDLE! Christmas is just around the Kitty Corner and you DON'T want to be left behind! With this
FOR THE BELOVED OWNER: Dead mouse
She feeds you, brushes you, and changes your litter box. Never once has she dressed you in a ridiculous costume. For an owner like that, it's okay to go big! Worried because you promised to keep under a price limit? Keep it classic and your gift will be tasteful no matter how little - or how much - you spent!
She feeds you, brushes you, and changes your litter box. Never once has she dressed you in a ridiculous costume. For an owner like that, it's okay to go big! Worried because you promised to keep under a price limit? Keep it classic and your gift will be tasteful no matter how little - or how much - you spent!
FOR THE HELPFUL NEIGHBOR: Dead mouse
He isn't there 24/7/365, but that doesn't mean you should be the one to disappear on Christmas. All year he's been sneaking you food while your owner has been keeping you on a strict diet it. It's the perfect time to return the favor with a homecooked meal from the heart.
He isn't there 24/7/365, but that doesn't mean you should be the one to disappear on Christmas. All year he's been sneaking you food while your owner has been keeping you on a strict diet it. It's the perfect time to return the favor with a homecooked meal from the heart.
FOR THE GRADUATE: Dead Mouse
It can be hard to shop for the younger generation. What do you get for the person who has grown up having all of human knowledge available at the press of a button? This season, impress the Googlemaniacs and Wikipediaphiles in your life with a gift from the heart. There's nothing like a hand-stalked mouse under the tree to make the youngster in your life put away the iPod and say iLoveYou.
It can be hard to shop for the younger generation. What do you get for the person who has grown up having all of human knowledge available at the press of a button? This season, impress the Googlemaniacs and Wikipediaphiles in your life with a gift from the heart. There's nothing like a hand-stalked mouse under the tree to make the youngster in your life put away the iPod and say iLoveYou.
FOR THE ALLERGIC FRIEND: Dead Mouse
She's a good sport when you coat her cashmere sweater in your fur. She's willing to take a heavy-dose antihistamine just to have dinner with your owner. She was pretty cool about that one time you pooped in her shoes. That's a loyalty that should be rewarded. Her inexperience with cats means she may not be familiar with Christmas cat gift traditions, so be sure to leave her gift in an obvious place. And don't forget to stay... and watch.
She's a good sport when you coat her cashmere sweater in your fur. She's willing to take a heavy-dose antihistamine just to have dinner with your owner. She was pretty cool about that one time you pooped in her shoes. That's a loyalty that should be rewarded. Her inexperience with cats means she may not be familiar with Christmas cat gift traditions, so be sure to leave her gift in an obvious place. And don't forget to stay... and watch.
FOR THE MAILMAN: Dead mole
Eat the head first. That's the best part.
Eat the head first. That's the best part.
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