This post is the first in a series I'll probably call Coolness: A How-to Guide. It's hard to say what I'll definitely call the series because this is just the first post! In a series! Series means many! Oh, perhaps you were expecting THE FUTURE? What am I, some kind of planning-ahead psychic genie? Why don't you go ask Miss Cleo to as Doc Brown about what the title will be, hippie?
Coolness tips start after... THE JUMP!
Coolness tips start after... THE JUMP!
So anyway, this series that may or may not end up being named Coolness: A How-to Guide is geared towards people who need a little boost in the art of being righteous. You might think that such a guide should be authored by someone who is actually, inherently cool. Such an author would probably not be the type to develop crushes on Discovery Channel physicists and occasionally put their shoes on the wrong feet. Such an author probably succeeds at eating meals but not dropping food on their shirt without even trying.
To that argument, I say fie! How could a person who is instinctively cool possibly teach others to be cool? Can a goldfish teach other goldfish how to breathe water? Does a mountain goat give an award-winning lecture series on how to climb mountains? Do you not put your hand on a hot stove and then put it away EVEN WITHOUT THE HELP OF ONE OF THOSE INEXPLICABLY POPULAR FOR DUMMIES BOOKS?
The way I see it, the best teachers are those who had to learn it for themselves. All through school, I never got a seat at the cool kid's table- but I also didn't sit at the table where for 23 minutes straight the weird kid threw a plastic bag in the air and watched it float back down. It is from this coveted middle ground that I claim my expertise. Dorks of the universe: let me be your Sacagawea into these unchartered territories.
COOLNESS LESSON #1: Skateboarding is cool
SUPER cool. Just look at Tony Hawk. He looks like he should be authoring a book about Robotics-based Vegan Cooking, not divorcing three hot ladies and branding one of the most successful video game franchises of all time. Disclaimer: I am in no way advocating branding as being cool.
Here is a helpful visual demonstrating how skateboards affect coolness:
To that argument, I say fie! How could a person who is instinctively cool possibly teach others to be cool? Can a goldfish teach other goldfish how to breathe water? Does a mountain goat give an award-winning lecture series on how to climb mountains? Do you not put your hand on a hot stove and then put it away EVEN WITHOUT THE HELP OF ONE OF THOSE INEXPLICABLY POPULAR FOR DUMMIES BOOKS?
The way I see it, the best teachers are those who had to learn it for themselves. All through school, I never got a seat at the cool kid's table- but I also didn't sit at the table where for 23 minutes straight the weird kid threw a plastic bag in the air and watched it float back down. It is from this coveted middle ground that I claim my expertise. Dorks of the universe: let me be your Sacagawea into these unchartered territories.
COOLNESS LESSON #1: Skateboarding is cool
SUPER cool. Just look at Tony Hawk. He looks like he should be authoring a book about Robotics-based Vegan Cooking, not divorcing three hot ladies and branding one of the most successful video game franchises of all time. Disclaimer: I am in no way advocating branding as being cool.
Here is a helpful visual demonstrating how skateboards affect coolness:
NERD
COOL
RETIRED AND/OR OLD
Makes sense now, doesn't it? Side note: I have named the first picture in my computer as "Skatebirds." You are welcome to do the same.
NEXT TIME on Coolness: A How-to Guide: I don't know! Did we not discuss that I don't predict the future? Freakin' hire Patricia Arquette to call up Nostradamus for you, already! Jesus!
NEXT TIME on Coolness: A How-to Guide: I don't know! Did we not discuss that I don't predict the future? Freakin' hire Patricia Arquette to call up Nostradamus for you, already! Jesus!
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