I heard a piece on the radio about Florida today. I can't really remember what the story was about. It was probably voting, or a huge mosquito, or the 2011 Miami's Greatest Ass contest. Who cares. All I can recall is how much I dislike Florida. It's humid. Everyone serves dinner at 4pm. The ratio of boats and trailers to people is ungodly. Google searching "Florida face tattoo" gives you three - three! - different Florida shaped-tattoo photos. I couldn't even find ONE for Texas. THREE!
Panama City License Plate is beaten by Tallahassee Passport
Ugh. Just look at that state on that guy's face, hanging there all limp and such. I mean, he knew when he got that tattoo that Florida is basically America's wang, right? Congrats, dude. You have The Wang State on your face, forever.
Now it's not my intention to start East Coast-West Coast Beef 2.0, but it's important to point out why Florida sucks and why California does not suck. You might be under the mistaken impression that Florida and California, both being home to unseasonably warm climates and major theme parks full of tourists, have much in common. Psssh. Florida is just a soggy version of California. Leave a piece of bread out in the rainf for three days, then chronically underfund public education for decades, add a few alligators and BOOM! Instant, horrible Florida. Don't even front with your Sea World Orlando: you know who houses the world's most famous captive big fat whale. EARLY!
But if you need convincing via hard data, then just let me put my six-figure neuroscience degree to a totally misapplied use! We can easily demonstrate a California's inherent superiority through careful collection of data and subsequent analysis; aka via a quick Google image search of "California face tattoo". Clearly we see such a search provides exactly zero examples of permanent face-based state pride; compare this to the "Florida face tattoo" result of THREEEEEEE. The numbers don't lie, folks! Californians are smart enough to know that getting a tattoo of your state is not sufficient valid ID. I;m not sayin' our friend in the orange jumpsuit pictured above DID attempt to go through airport security with his Tallahassee Passort, but I'm not sayin' he DIDN'T, neither.
Now it's not my intention to start East Coast-West Coast Beef 2.0, but it's important to point out why Florida sucks and why California does not suck. You might be under the mistaken impression that Florida and California, both being home to unseasonably warm climates and major theme parks full of tourists, have much in common. Psssh. Florida is just a soggy version of California. Leave a piece of bread out in the rainf for three days, then chronically underfund public education for decades, add a few alligators and BOOM! Instant, horrible Florida. Don't even front with your Sea World Orlando: you know who houses the world's most famous captive big fat whale. EARLY!
But if you need convincing via hard data, then just let me put my six-figure neuroscience degree to a totally misapplied use! We can easily demonstrate a California's inherent superiority through careful collection of data and subsequent analysis; aka via a quick Google image search of "California face tattoo". Clearly we see such a search provides exactly zero examples of permanent face-based state pride; compare this to the "Florida face tattoo" result of THREEEEEEE. The numbers don't lie, folks! Californians are smart enough to know that getting a tattoo of your state is not sufficient valid ID. I;m not sayin' our friend in the orange jumpsuit pictured above DID attempt to go through airport security with his Tallahassee Passort, but I'm not sayin' he DIDN'T, neither.
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