Throw out your no-carb diet books and your disdain for children, because Halloween is slowly creeping up on us like a shady Uncle. Last week I provided you with a few jokes that are fun and safe to tell just about anywhere: the office, preschools, sperm banks, in line at the sex offender registry, etc. Here are a few more jokes you can use to get into the Halloween swing!
Q. Who was the ghost that was once married to Jane Kaczmarek?
A. Boo-radley Whitford!
Q. Why was the angry skeleton embarrassed at the debutante ball?
A. He had a raging BONER! (which is understandable, but very rude)
Knock, knock
Who's there?
Boo!
Boo who?
Boo Radley, from To Kill A Mockingbird. Read a book, asshole!
Q. Why did the Mummies get to work on the Manhattan Project?
A. Because they were EMBALMED. See, the managers of the project thought they meant "bombed". Very unwise to neglect using written contracts.
Q. Why did the parents lock the haunted liquor cabinet?
A. They didn't want their kids getting into the spirits! Plus they hate fun!
Q. What does a vampire fear the most?
A. That is something I do not feel comfortable disclosing, as a vampire is a patient of mine.
Knock knock.
Who's there?
Witch.
Witch who?
Witch Shakespeare play had those damn whiches in it? I can't keep them straight. Also, when do I use which and when do I use witch? Man, English is hard.
Q. Why did PETA throw paint on the lycanthropes?
A. Because PETA are a bunch of assholes, that's why.
A family of zombies walks into a talent agency. The agent, who is very busy and important, shoos the family out. The father says "Wait, wait! Let us show you our act first!" The agent, who is busy and important but also has a heart, says "Ok. What is it that you do?" The father says " Oh just you wait." As the agent watches, interested piqued, the zombie family goes into a huddle. They whisper unintelligibly, then suddenly shout "1-2-3 FAMILY!" The zombies assume a diamond formation. The father pulls out a tiny boombox, sets it on the ground, and hits the play button. Habanera from Carmen begins to play. Each family member pulls out a set of handcrafted castanets. They advance towards the agent to the rhythm of the famed aria, snapping away. The agent watches, transfixed. The zombies come closer and closer. As the music reaches a fever pitch, the zombies surround the agent at his desk and TEAR INTO HIS FLESH!!!! Hungrily they claw at his fancy agent suit and tear it from his agent body. The youngest tears the agent's agent-y bluetooth headset from his agent ear before eating his sweet, sweet agent cheek fat. I mean, they just really eat the shit outta this guy. Suddenly, the music stops and the family strikes a triumphant pose. They wait and wait. The agent lays there, half-chewed guts all strung out over his agent desk, headshots covered in blood. The family waits. Then the zombie Dad says, "THE ARISTOCRATS!"
HUMOR OVER!
Q. Who was the ghost that was once married to Jane Kaczmarek?
A. Boo-radley Whitford!
Q. Why was the angry skeleton embarrassed at the debutante ball?
A. He had a raging BONER! (which is understandable, but very rude)
Knock, knock
Who's there?
Boo!
Boo who?
Boo Radley, from To Kill A Mockingbird. Read a book, asshole!
Q. Why did the Mummies get to work on the Manhattan Project?
A. Because they were EMBALMED. See, the managers of the project thought they meant "bombed". Very unwise to neglect using written contracts.
Q. Why did the parents lock the haunted liquor cabinet?
A. They didn't want their kids getting into the spirits! Plus they hate fun!
Q. What does a vampire fear the most?
A. That is something I do not feel comfortable disclosing, as a vampire is a patient of mine.
Knock knock.
Who's there?
Witch.
Witch who?
Witch Shakespeare play had those damn whiches in it? I can't keep them straight. Also, when do I use which and when do I use witch? Man, English is hard.
Q. Why did PETA throw paint on the lycanthropes?
A. Because PETA are a bunch of assholes, that's why.
A family of zombies walks into a talent agency. The agent, who is very busy and important, shoos the family out. The father says "Wait, wait! Let us show you our act first!" The agent, who is busy and important but also has a heart, says "Ok. What is it that you do?" The father says " Oh just you wait." As the agent watches, interested piqued, the zombie family goes into a huddle. They whisper unintelligibly, then suddenly shout "1-2-3 FAMILY!" The zombies assume a diamond formation. The father pulls out a tiny boombox, sets it on the ground, and hits the play button. Habanera from Carmen begins to play. Each family member pulls out a set of handcrafted castanets. They advance towards the agent to the rhythm of the famed aria, snapping away. The agent watches, transfixed. The zombies come closer and closer. As the music reaches a fever pitch, the zombies surround the agent at his desk and TEAR INTO HIS FLESH!!!! Hungrily they claw at his fancy agent suit and tear it from his agent body. The youngest tears the agent's agent-y bluetooth headset from his agent ear before eating his sweet, sweet agent cheek fat. I mean, they just really eat the shit outta this guy. Suddenly, the music stops and the family strikes a triumphant pose. They wait and wait. The agent lays there, half-chewed guts all strung out over his agent desk, headshots covered in blood. The family waits. Then the zombie Dad says, "THE ARISTOCRATS!"
HUMOR OVER!
RSS Feed
