Ah, December. The snow is blowin', the chestnuts are a-roastin', and the neighbors' yards are eyesorein'. That can mean only one thing: the ho-ho-holidays are upon us! Whoops, silly me, there I go using the plural objective pronoun "we" when we all know that this holiday season you're alone, desperately alone! Yeah yeah yeah, you have friends and family, but none that you are willing to put on pants to see.
Despite your inability to find the will to interact with other human beings, you'll need to eat. Declining eVite after eVite burns more calories than you'd think! But what to eat? You could get delivery again, but the pizza guy is starting to give you worried looks. What you're really in the mood for is a home-cooked meal free from the judgement of a teenager in an ugly ballcap. But all of those so-called recipe sites only publish recipes for 2-4 people or, even more horrifying, parties of 8 or more! What is a loner to do?
Great news! Which you probably guessed because of the title of the blog! Me, Alexis Simpson, self-proclaimed Food and Sadness Expert, Ph.D. and D.D.S, has written a thoroughly researched* recipe book for those about to dine alone. Because the only difference between "Dine alone!" and "Die alone!" is the letter N! I'm pretty sure that's from Sesame Street.
*thorough research not guaranteed
selections from the forthcoming book
ONLY BALONELY
a recipe guide for the emotionally isolated
Uncle Stovetop's Good-Time "Homemade" Stuffing
Prep time: 10 minutes
Cook time: 10 minutes
Ingredients:
1 box store-bought stuffing mix
2 cups hose water
1. Open box of instant stuffing
2. Whoops, you didn't quite get it open. Try again.
3. Seriously, what is wrong with you? You just tore off a strip of cardboard like an idiot.
4. Well congratulations, Kool-Aid man! You tore the box in half. Guess that means you'll have to cook the entire box like some sort of person with company coming over.
5. Mix with hose water.
6. Cry
Sognog
Prep time: none
Cook time: none
Ingredients:
1 carton of eggnog
Ice, to taste
1. Pour eggnog into a tall glass such as a highball.
2. Cry
3. Add ice (optional)
Sergeant Pepper's Lonely Hearts Club Sandwich
Prep time: 10 minutes
Cook time: none
Ingredients:
3 cups flour
1 1/2 tsp salt
1 packet dry yeast
3 cups water
1. Gather flour, water salt, and yeast.
2. Stare helplessly for a few minutes.
3. Cry
4. Throw away your flour, salt, and yeast. Drink a little water.
5. Pour the rest of the water down the sink and drive to the nearest Subway.
Shitty Latkes
Prep time: Roughly 2,000 years of persecution
Cook time: about 4 hours
Ingredients:
2-4 small potatoes
2 Tbs oil
The internet
1. Get some potatoes. Works with any potatoes, but best with potatoes from Food 4 Less or any store that misspells "Value" in its name
2. Don't wash them! Avoiding disease is for people who have something to live for.
3. Set the dry potatoes down next to the grater or food processor fully intending to shred them, shred them but good, oh the shredding these potatoes are going to get.
4. Realize you need an emotional boost to tackle a project of this magnitude.
5. Browse animal photos for 2-3 hours (we recommend Imgur and or just googling "pugs in hats")
6. Remember the goddamn potatoes. God, you're such an idiot.
7. Press potatoes under a heavy book, throw in burning oil.
8. Cry
9. Blot latkes with the paper towel you used to dry your tears. Serve.
This is just a "taste", ha ha, do you see what I did there, of the book that is bound to be published, once I get up off the floor and finish writing it! Ha ha, yes!
Final advice: Don't try to fake having company over by eating in front of a mirror. It will only end in tragedy.
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