TEEN STREET JOURNAL: Since print media is dying and all, I'll merge two of the remaining successful publications before they have a chance to run themselves into the cold, digitally dominated ground. Page 23: Opinion columns about Ben Bernanke's announcement that the Fed will take aggressive stimulus action. Page 24: ZOMG Fall's cutest new hairstyles - guaranteed to deter bullying!
FREEGURT: The frozen yogurt shop where the yogurt is always free! You may be asking, "Hey IDIOT: if you give all of the product away then HOW ARE YOU SUPPOSED TO MAKE A PROFIT, EINSTEINBRENNER!!!." Guys you aren't even listening while you shout your clever portmanteaux in my direction. Why don't you listen to a gal once in a whiiiile? Sure I'm giving away the yogurt - but not the frozen! You wanna walk out of Freegurt with a cup of warm sugar goo like some kind of ANIMAL, that's on you. You wanna eat frozen yogurt like a normal hip suburbanite, you'll pony up the dough. Also: Freegurt's backgroud music will exclusively be covers of Lynyrd Skynryd's "Freebird" with slightly altered lyrics. "And this gurt you cannot charrrrrrrrrrrrge! Buyyyyyyyyyy meeeeeee Freeeeeeegurrrrrrrrt". And soforth.
JAZZNASTY: This is a phone sex hotline where all the operators are crusty old jazz players. Horny people aren't super attentive to anything besides their own throbbing genetalia so they probably won't even notice when the operators switch from blowing hot alto sax to rambling about banging this one cocktail waitress at the Blue Note back in the day.
COOK NUMBER OVEN: Your food deserves the comfort of a specific, individualized temperature. The Cook Number Oven allows personalized, adjustable cooking comfort! Simply select your food's Cook Number, set it, and voila! Your food ends up cooked and ready to be eaten! That's the Cook Number promise.
THEYPHONE: For When You Want THEM To Do It! Forget all the fancy features of the latest smartphones. Remember when a phone was just a phone? And how even that was too much to handle? Well, those days are over! TheyPhone is the perfect device for both the chronically depressed and the criminally lazy. I've taken away all those annoying buttons and ringing sounds, and left you with just a single button. Press it, and TheyPhone will call your parents so you can ask them to do it for you. If your parents are dead or something, then you can just program it to call Jazznasty.