As we celebrate this Holiday season and the coming of a brand new year, I think it is important to pause and reflect on only those things that are truly important: the soul-shattering trajectory of technological advancement. Do you know why they call it technological advancement? If you said "It is because technology gets better and smarter until it evolves guns for hands, feet for feet, and evil human brains for brains. And then technology advances towards humanity in a menacing fashion, guns a-blazin'," then you were EXACTLY RIGHT! I thought this would be the perfect time of year to warn you about a little pre-Christmas Christmas miracle I experienced.
Christmas Miracle cat is ready for the jump. Are you?
The other day my brand new HTC Sensation-brand telephone machine decided to randomly autodial the last number I had called. That number just happened to be the number of a director of a film project I just booked. It's always good for a director to see in his or her call log that you have called six, seven, eight times in the span of ten minutes. Such behavior really showcases one's enthusiasm for art. I mean, I suppose I already booked the film, so no harm no foul? However, I am not wanting to be the actress that arrives on set and ALREADY has a nickname. They give out all the best nicknames after everyone gets to set.
It is pertinent information that my phone decided that the perfect time to go on this little autodialing rampage was precisely at Me driving down the 405 at 70 miles an hour o' clock. Phone, you jerk! Don't you know California has all sorts of laws banning the use of handheld communication devices and sufficient comely CHiPs officers to enforce them? How do you think it would have gone down had I been pulled over?
ME: "Hey Officer Erik Estrada, I know there is a law banning the use of hand-held devices communication devices while driving. But, see, my phone seems to have evolved self-awareness and in order to save humanity, I had pick it up and use it! To save humanity!"
OFFICER ERIK ESTRADA: "I AM COMELY, A WEIRD SHADE OF ORANGE."
ME: "I am too young to be making this reference. Simpson OUT!"
There more I thought about it, the more I realized that clearly my phone had already thought all of this through. It wanted me to fail! Worst case scenario in my phone's minds' eye, I discover I made multiple calls to the same person and get embarrassed. Best case scenario, I get distracted and die in a fiery crash! So since my phone clearly has already been infected with consciousness and decision-making, I couldn't help but wonder what other technological horrors might be waiting for us under our respective holiday flora. Here's a list of items to watch out for. At first they may seem convenient, but they might just be plotting the downfall of humanity:
Yes OF COURSE if you think of more horror tech items you may leave them in the comments, why did you even waste time asking when we have humanity to save. Here's me closing with an Erik Estrada reference!
*At Hurman's House of Comics and Dildos, "You" Put the U in Herman, and Hurman Puts the Rest in You!
It is pertinent information that my phone decided that the perfect time to go on this little autodialing rampage was precisely at Me driving down the 405 at 70 miles an hour o' clock. Phone, you jerk! Don't you know California has all sorts of laws banning the use of handheld communication devices and sufficient comely CHiPs officers to enforce them? How do you think it would have gone down had I been pulled over?
ME: "Hey Officer Erik Estrada, I know there is a law banning the use of hand-held devices communication devices while driving. But, see, my phone seems to have evolved self-awareness and in order to save humanity, I had pick it up and use it! To save humanity!"
OFFICER ERIK ESTRADA: "I AM COMELY, A WEIRD SHADE OF ORANGE."
ME: "I am too young to be making this reference. Simpson OUT!"
There more I thought about it, the more I realized that clearly my phone had already thought all of this through. It wanted me to fail! Worst case scenario in my phone's minds' eye, I discover I made multiple calls to the same person and get embarrassed. Best case scenario, I get distracted and die in a fiery crash! So since my phone clearly has already been infected with consciousness and decision-making, I couldn't help but wonder what other technological horrors might be waiting for us under our respective holiday flora. Here's a list of items to watch out for. At first they may seem convenient, but they might just be plotting the downfall of humanity:
- Television... with a knife!
- Computer that auto-purchases 3-Wolf-Moon t-shirts unironically
- Program that syncs every single one of your current contacts to call Hurman's House of Comics and Dildos* in Athens, GA.
- Camera that takes unflattering photo of you eating a burrito and uploads it to Facebook. No one looks good eating a burrito!
- Realistic R2D2 robot that only quotes Star Trek
- A DVR that is perma-set to record you weeping
- Toaster that seems like a normal toaster. By all accounts it is a normal toaster. It makes toast and everything. But just when you're not looking, it writes a scathing review of your small business on Yelp! AIIIIIEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!
Yes OF COURSE if you think of more horror tech items you may leave them in the comments, why did you even waste time asking when we have humanity to save. Here's me closing with an Erik Estrada reference!
*At Hurman's House of Comics and Dildos, "You" Put the U in Herman, and Hurman Puts the Rest in You!
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