Like, a Totally Modest Proposal

A TOTALLY MODEST PROPOSAL

by "Jonathan" Taylor Swift

It is a melancholly Object to those, who walk through this great Town, or travel in the Country, when they see the Streets, the Roads, and Cabbin-Doors, crowded with Actors of the male Sex, followed by three, four, or six Musicians, all in Leather, or Ironic Tee-Shirts, and importuning Me for a Date, but then turning out to be total Jerkwads. 

I think it is agreed by all parties that this prodigious number of Gentlemen in the Movies, or in the Bands, or following in the footsteps of their politically powerful Fathers is in the present deplorable state of the kingdom, a very great additional grievance.

Therefore, whoever could find out a fair, cheap and easy method of making these Men sound and useful Members of the common-wealth, who do NOT kiss Models when I am dating them,  would deserve so well of the publick, as to have her Statue set up for a preserver of the Nation.

 But my Intention is very far from being confined to provide only for the Ex-Boyfriends of Successful Songwriters and America's Sweethearts. It is of a much greater extent, and shall take in the whole number of Gentlemen at a certain Age, who are born of Parents in as little able to teach them that it is totally rude to break up with Women Over the Phone, as those who, like, demand we ignore Award Acceptance Speeches and talk about Beyonce.

I have been assured by a very knowing American of my acquaintance in London, that a handsome and inconsiderate Male Celebrity, at the Height of his Career, is a super totally delicious, nourishing, and wholesome low-calorie Food, whether Stewed, Roasted, Baked, or Boyled, and I make no doubt that it will equally serve in a Fricasie, or Ragoust or Juice Cleanse that will not cause Bloating during Awards Seasonne.

 I can think of no one Objection, that will possibly be raised against this Proposal, unless it should be urged, that the Number of People will be thereby much lessened in the Kingdom, and thus Record Sales will drop.

 I Profess in the sincerity of my Heart that I have not the least personal Interest in endeavouring to promote this necessary Work having no other Motive than the publick Good of my Country. I have no Ex-Boyfriend by which I can propose to get a single Penny, for I am on Good Terms with every single Man I have dated because I am a Class Act. Do you hear me, Other Famous Women who may happen to be hosting say, The Golden Globes? A CLASS ACT.