No, I did not go to a Subway again (though I did recently receive a gift card, so fingers crossed!). I DID, however, spend some time with my Significant Other. He was a philosophy major and stuff and is pretty smart about it. But what about the thousands of college kids out there right now currently taking Intro to Philosophy who need a really convenient cheat sheet of famous Philosophy guys and they are too lazy to check Wikipedia even? That's the service this blog hopes to provide! Presenting: My Boyfriend Says Smart Things About Philosophy And I Translate: A Guide. Today we will begin with the classics: our homies Socrates, Plato, and Aristotle.
Mild Warning: There's more swear words in this post than usual, so lie to your kids and bosses and proceed at your own risk. If you think you can HANDLE IT, get ready to turn Philosophy One-oh-One into Philosophy Fun-oh-Fun... after... THE JUMP!
Oh man, this guy was the LAZIEST. He didn't even write anything down - ever! So if you ever have a teacher or boss give you crap about your bad handwriting or your incomplete assignments, just tell them you're following the path of Socrates.
Socrates also popularized the Socratic Method, which was a really awesome band that eschewed traditional time-signature format and pretty much invented both jazz and progressive rock. Also he asked a bunch of questions all the time a lot, which did not go over well that one time he got pulled over for drunk chariot driving. He was all like "How fast do you think YOU were going?" and that Centurian officer was pissed (especially since Socrates wasn't even Roman, so what the hell was he even doing driving his chariot up in their Roman business?). Socrates was doin' well, partying hard, livin' life every day, just doin' what he do. Then he drank some hemlock instead of water or booze and died. The end.
This little bitch was trying to put out that we're all born with an innate sense of what good is, and that we spend the rest of our lives trying to live up to that ideal. What the hell. That is some eyebrow-raisin' horseshit. Newborn babies can't even distinguish a visual cliff. That is to say, if you put new babies on the ground and the ground suddenly drops off, they will straight fall straight to their death! So how are the supposed to know right from wrong, HUH PLATO?
This is also the guy who had a cave. He invited a bunch of his friends over. Not only did he not offer them any snacks, he fuckin' chained them up and made them look at a blank wall. What an asshole.
Aristotle was not some blindly pro-baby apologist. Right on, Aristotle. He was all like, "Human ethics are comprised of learned behavior striving towards perfection!" And everybody was all, "What do you mean by perfection?" And Aristotle was like, "Perfection is... MAH DICK!" And then he pointed to his crotch! They were all like "OH MAN that was so ballin', Aristotle! And we don't even mean ballin' because it is also a reference to your junk! That is just a happy coincidence!" But they were still confused about the consequences of their ethical choices. Like, were they being too courageous in situations that did not necessitate courage of that magnitude? And Aristotle was like, "Chill the fuck out. Flappin' your gum ain't helping you pass that bowl any faster. MAH DICK!" Everyone agreed heartily.
He later married Jackie Kennedy and made a home with her in Bernardsville, New Jersey.