If you're like me, you're feeling those Monday blahs in a total Mon-DAZE, ha ha! A pun! Here's a fun and helpful quiz to help you tell what kind of Monday you'll be having!
1. You walk to the kitchen and find that you're out of groceries! What are you going to do?
A) I have just enough for a sandwich and a side salad; that way I won't be hungry when I go to the grocery store after I hit the gym and my volunteer shift at the blood bank.
B) Not even worries, brah! I have a macaroni and cheese subscription from Amazon.
C) I think there's some soy sauce packets left from that Thai food I ordered last week...
D) O God, O God, how weary, stale, flat, and unprofitable seem to me all the uses of this world!
2. Looks like there are some teens on your lawn. What now?
A) I'll wave enthusiastically as I make my way to spin class while making a mental note of their height, ethnicity, and clothing.
B) Time 2 crack open a case of Lime-A-Rita but not get accused of date rape this time, brah!
C) Peer through the blinds "Rear Window"-style while contemplating the impermanence of childhood and life generally.
D) The surest way to corrupt a youth is to instruct him to hold in higher esteem those who think alike than those who think differently.
3. Uh oh! Your house is on fire! How do you respond?
A) Call the fire department from my Apple watch while directing my neighborhood bucket brigade using semaphore.
B) THE ROOF, THE ROOF, THE ROOF IS ON FIRE! Ha ha, brah! I love that song!
C) No worries, probably; I'm already under this tear-soaked blanket.
D) Death is not extinguishing the light; it is only putting out the lamp because the dawn has come.
4. Your favorite outfit is:
A) A bright top and impeccably tailored pants.
B) Hard 2 decide between my FBI: Federal Boobie Inspector shirt and my FBI: Remembering Fallen Heroes shirt, brah.
C. It would be pajamas, if only I could find my pajamas or my will to live.
D. Black. I am in mourning for my life.
5. The perfect weather for a fun outing is:
A) Seventy five degrees, but I always have a contingency plan for inclement weather.
B) Whatever gets those TURKEYS DONE- am I right, brah?
C) What do you mean by "fun" outing?
D) Out of damp and gloomy days, out of solitude, out of loveless words directed at us, conclusions grow up in us like fungus.
6. Sadness is:
A) For losers
B) Brah. Wasn't that the cartoon with the married kids in diapers, brah?
C) Part of my everyday routine, like using moisturizer, or weeping under the couch.
D) The loneliness of the soul in its appalling self-consciousness.
SCORING: Give yourself 1 point for every A, 0 points for every B, and, if you've gotten this far, a piece of cake or something. Put the cake in your mouth and numbly chew it, noticing how strange it is that it has no taste whatsoever. Add up all the points until you get a number that's as meaningless as your existence. If you got zero or more points, congratulations, probably. Maybe take a shower? Or don't, I don't care.