I'm always looking for an evolutionary basis for modern human behavior. It is a fun game for me because no one ever wants to play with me and so I always win. But the other day, as I was crying into a my pillow which was a sweatshirt I found in the dumpster, I was thinking about depression. Just what exactly is the evolutionary purpose of depression? HMMMMMMMMMM, DARWIN? I guess... sadness makes us taste bad to lions? Just imagine, roughly 50,000 years ago or whatever, a sabre-toothed cat was stalking one of our ancestors out on the Savannah (and I'm NOT talkin' Savannah, Georgia! Wheeeedle boyyyy!). Our ancestor, we'll call him Og, had three options to choose from.
ONE: Get scared, run away.
TWO: Get angry, fight lion.
THREE: Do nothing, become lion food.
Or did he? Because maybe, just maybe, depression is as off-putting to predators as it is to friends and potential sex partners! Og was all "Oh hey lion, what's up. Just standing here in the Savannah where nobody loves me. I woke up today... wished I hadn't. It's like you wake up, go out on the mammoth hunt, sit around the fire that Derg invented, go to bed, then wake up and do it all over again. Derg invented fire. I'll never invent anything. You know what I mean, lion? Lion?" But the lion doesn't answer because a) the lion doesn't have the capacity for language and b) hoooo boy, that lion is hella outta there! That lion likes a nice tender caveman but depressed meat tastes all tough and gamey!
So all I'm saying is that Og shouldn't have been so sad because he truly left us, humanity, a fine legacy. Which of course means that he SHOULD be so sad, because if he hadn't been so sad, he would have been eaten by the lion, which means... oh no! Some kind of paradox! Quick, provide a link to a squirrel dressed in elaborate outfits and run away!