As it turns out, he was not leaving deeply encrypted messages about no one having me if he couldn't have me. He was simply thanking me for not stealing his package off of his doorstep, I think? Which is a weird thing to appreciate because where the hell did you live that having your mail stolen became your normal? But whatever, free magazine!
Combing through the bounty, I was relieved to see it contained the latest issue of Cosmopolitan. Phew! Let's face it, you guys: A bag full of women's magazines would not be a bag full of women's magazines without a copy of Cosmo. It would be like having a world war and not even inviting Germany! I mean, I'm not going to buy one of their damn magazines or anything- unless I'm getting on an airplane. In that case, I am handing my life over to a couple of middle-aged Texans in crappy American Flag ties steering a metal can through thin air 30,000 feet above planet Earth. In that case, I need something that makes me feel stupider than the pilots. But yeah, under normal circumstances, you don't spend actual money on Cosmo.
But there's something still enjoyable about Cosmo, no? The same kind of enjoyment you get from eating an uber-processed, sugary cereal right outta the box? The kind of cereal that's so gross they can't even spell its name like a real English word? And you're getting kinda sick but you just keep eating it and eating it until you hate yourself but you're physically unable to prevent yourself from cramming the next fistful into your idiot face unless you throw the box away? Yeah, reading Cosmo is that kind of fun.
Wait, where am I? The whole point of this introduction was to explain why I decided to write this stupid blog post in the first place, and now I'm getting frustrated. Ugh. I think my point is that I can write one of those stupid articles, too. So Cosmo, or any of you other magazines that arbitrarily shorten words to sound cute (arbitrarbs sho wor to so cu?), the ball is now in your court. Article after the the jump.
No graphic pictures, but don't read at work if your bosses are upset by frequent mention of the word sex, and probably don't read at a library unless you want to get a reputation for being the guy that goes to the library to read dirty stuff, and definitely don't read at a school full of children, what is wrong with you.
also: don't actually do any of these
SEX 4 YOUR SENSEZ: THE 3 Z'S
If you're like literally every single woman, you are having intercourse with your eyes shut and your fingers in your ears while whispering the lyrics to, oh I don't know, let's say a Pat Benatar song. We get it, girl! But sex can be an experience that uses at least three of your senses! Next time you're knockin' naked boots, try these tips to see some evil, hear some evil, and smell some evil! In this analogy, which is consistent with the Puritanical American aesthetic, evil = sex!
- WHAT AN EYESORE!
It is a well established FACT that guys are highly visual (unless they're blind or whatever). Take advantage of this by propping his eyes open with toothpicks during coitus. That way, he won't miss a single sec of your hot bod! Trust us: it works like clockwork...orange!
- CUM AT ME, BRO(GURT)
Guys love the a look of a girl with semen all over her face, but you're a BRASSY BRAVE BROAD. #Hashtag: WomensMagBRBRBR!!! The only guy you get facials from is the gay Colombian at Serenity Day Spa, hollerrrr! Get the look sans shame with a tub of low-fat Greek yogurt (our fave brand: Chodebani).
- HORTON HEARS A WHORE
TREND ALERT! Consensual sex is sensual sex, which is clever because both the words contain the word "sensual." It's never been more "in" to ask your partner what he (or she, I guess, but probably he, since we here at traditional women's magazines are weirded out by anything more lesbian than that one scene from Wild Things) is into. Turn up the dial on asking for permish by asking for permish AS LOUDLY AS POSSIBLE (eg, "DO YOU LIKE IT WHEN I PUT MY FINGER INTO YOUR BUTTHOLE!??" said through a megaphone).
Making love to Al Green or Marvin Gaye is classic, natch, but so is staying in a loveless marriage for the kids!!! Mix up your lovemaking playlist with some new tunes. Start with a sweet, intimate song that lets him know how special he is (eg, "Everybody's Fancy" by Mr Rogers) and work your way up to just that one line from Nine Inch' Nails "Closer", repeated over and over.
- HELLOOO, IS THIS WANG ON?
You know your guy loves it when score a "TD" with talking dirty, but what to say? All FuFeFees can get a little self-conch whispering sexy sentences. When it's "hard" (ha!) to come (hee hee!) up (hoo, boners!) with orig material, try plagiarizing. Talk into his D like it's a microphone and perform a classic comedy routine (we recommend Andrew Dice Clay).
- CLEVER HEADER
If you're like a lot of CHEERFUL CHIVALROUS CHICKS (#hashtag: WomensMagCHCHCH), you get nervous about a guy sniffin' around your snatch! Helllooooo, you just came back from pilates an hour ago and only had time to douche twice! Plus, you're not sure if you wiped down your Kegel weights or not? And what if you put something in there you forgot about? (side note: vaginas are GREAT for storing things!) Try this folksy cure-all for a pre-quickie destankification: rub a cut onion all over your labia. The natural onion-y scent will disguise any gross vagina smell coming from your vagina (ugh, why do vaginas always smell so vagina-y), and bonus: the onion contains chemicals that will produce a stinging sensation that will leave you "burning" for more. Thanks, syn-propanethial-S-oxide!