THE MAGICAL TALE OF SKRILLERX, THE SKRILLER WHALE
Full disclosure: An earlier version of this story was previously published on this blog.
Fuller disclosure: By "earlier version" I mean the first part was posted as an entry and I just copied and pasted that bad boy like a BOSS because plagiarizing others is for chump celebrities. Plagiarizing yourself is for cooool dudes.
Fullerest disclosure: Also the other day I ate a whole bag of sour cream n' cheddar Ruffles :0(
Once upon a time, in a land far, far, away that was much wetter than our own, lived a young whale. He was similar to the other whales in that all whales pretty much look alike. But he was no ordinary whale! He was SKRILLERX! While the other whales his age ate seals and talked about doin' it with lady whales, Skrillerx ate skrill and jammed out on his aquatic keyboard. The other whales did not understand why Skrillerx was strange and why he did not like the things they liked, and so they shunned him in their whale fashion, which is to say they whale honked at frequencies Skrillerx did not understand. Skrillerx grew lonely and sad, and he grew his whale hair into a weird half-dreadlocked, half--buzzcut ordeal. Every day after skrool, he came home and cried whale tears that were as big and salty as the ocean he swam in (this is why whales are so super good at hiding their pain).
Fuller disclosure: By "earlier version" I mean the first part was posted as an entry and I just copied and pasted that bad boy like a BOSS because plagiarizing others is for chump celebrities. Plagiarizing yourself is for cooool dudes.
Fullerest disclosure: Also the other day I ate a whole bag of sour cream n' cheddar Ruffles :0(
Once upon a time, in a land far, far, away that was much wetter than our own, lived a young whale. He was similar to the other whales in that all whales pretty much look alike. But he was no ordinary whale! He was SKRILLERX! While the other whales his age ate seals and talked about doin' it with lady whales, Skrillerx ate skrill and jammed out on his aquatic keyboard. The other whales did not understand why Skrillerx was strange and why he did not like the things they liked, and so they shunned him in their whale fashion, which is to say they whale honked at frequencies Skrillerx did not understand. Skrillerx grew lonely and sad, and he grew his whale hair into a weird half-dreadlocked, half--buzzcut ordeal. Every day after skrool, he came home and cried whale tears that were as big and salty as the ocean he swam in (this is why whales are so super good at hiding their pain).
One day Skrillerx was tapping out a weepy tune on his aquatic keyboard when he heard a strange noise. It was low and rumbling, and did not contain any grating high-pitched noises (the kind of noises he would put into his music, if he were ever to release a hot aquatic club jam). What could the noise be? Skrillerx opened the door with his wee little fin and ... GASPED! It was former Skrexretary of State Henry Skrissingerx!
"Skrillerx! Do you know who I am?" boomed the dignitary.
"Why yes, Henry. Why, every young whale learns about you in skristoryx class!"
"How sad. For I am not a relic of the past, I am a beacon of... THE FUTURE!" With that, Henry spread his human fins out as wide as the ocean itself and shook Skrillerx's tiny room with his booming voice. "I am here because The Future needs you."
Skrillerx blinked his eyes. He blinked his real eyes, not the patchy things above his eyes which look kinda like eyes, what's all that about, some kind of Batesian mimicry or something? Anyway, Skrillerx the Skriller whale blinked his dumb eyes, and Henry Skrissingerx laughed. Somewhere, a baby cried, and somebody mindlessly checked Facebook.
"The Future? What's it like?" queried Skrillerx, finally pulling his ocean mammal shit together.
Skrissingerx removed his glasses and rubbed out a smudge on the lens, which I promise is not a euphemism for masturbation although it would be good as one. "It is a dark time. Democracy is in shambles. Food is scarce. Radios play our fascist regime's Code of Conduct twenty-four hours a day. Michael Bay is president, somehow."
"Oh no!"
"But the people hunger for change, Skrillerx. They need it. They need you."
"What could the Future possibly need from me?" said Skrillerx, stupidly.
"Michael Bay has captured one of the most important and beautiful women of all time. It goes without saying, but when we are talking about women, important and beautiful are the same thing."
Skrillerx the Skriller whale nodded vigorously. "Skrynonymsx."
"You are wise beyond your species. I believe you are the only one that can help us. You must... save Skrillary Swankrx!"
"Why yes, Henry. Why, every young whale learns about you in skristoryx class!"
"How sad. For I am not a relic of the past, I am a beacon of... THE FUTURE!" With that, Henry spread his human fins out as wide as the ocean itself and shook Skrillerx's tiny room with his booming voice. "I am here because The Future needs you."
Skrillerx blinked his eyes. He blinked his real eyes, not the patchy things above his eyes which look kinda like eyes, what's all that about, some kind of Batesian mimicry or something? Anyway, Skrillerx the Skriller whale blinked his dumb eyes, and Henry Skrissingerx laughed. Somewhere, a baby cried, and somebody mindlessly checked Facebook.
"The Future? What's it like?" queried Skrillerx, finally pulling his ocean mammal shit together.
Skrissingerx removed his glasses and rubbed out a smudge on the lens, which I promise is not a euphemism for masturbation although it would be good as one. "It is a dark time. Democracy is in shambles. Food is scarce. Radios play our fascist regime's Code of Conduct twenty-four hours a day. Michael Bay is president, somehow."
"Oh no!"
"But the people hunger for change, Skrillerx. They need it. They need you."
"What could the Future possibly need from me?" said Skrillerx, stupidly.
"Michael Bay has captured one of the most important and beautiful women of all time. It goes without saying, but when we are talking about women, important and beautiful are the same thing."
Skrillerx the Skriller whale nodded vigorously. "Skrynonymsx."
"You are wise beyond your species. I believe you are the only one that can help us. You must... save Skrillary Swankrx!"
TO BE CONTINUED IF I FEEL LIKE IT
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