Special Guest Post! The Return of Cousin Leanne

As regular readers already know, I occasionally run out of all ideas forever. When that happens, I turn things over to a special guest blogger: my second-cousin-through-an-arranged-marriage Leanne! Leanne hails from the tiny town of Catholics-on-the-Spit, Arkansas. Last time she visited (due to an unfortunate outbreak of excrement-related illness), she was able to whip up a very compelling blog post that had readers glued to their seats instead of their glue-sniffing bottles (because they sniff glue). Now that she's back in town under happier circumstances (a tin recycler's convention in the "suburbs" of Riverside, CA), I've invited her to do another post. Again, I apologize for her use of all-capital letters and inconsistent adherence to the laws of grammar. Still, I think it is important to give a voice to the opinions that we, enshrined in the carbonite of our cultural elitism, may otherwise overlook. 

also i didn't know what else to do :0(

BOOK CORNER 
BY: LEANNE

HEY EVERYONE IM LEANE AND ITS SUMMERTIME I GUESS? THEIR ARE BOOKS TO READ AT THE BEACH IF YOUHAVE A BEACH. WHERE IM FROM THEIR ISNT A BEACH SO WE READ OUR BOOKS BY THE SCUM POND. '

THE FIRST BOOK ILL BE REVEWING IS "THE FAULT IN OUR STARS".  AT FIRST I THOUGHT THIS HAD THE TILTE "THE FAULT INOURSTARS" AND I THOUGHT OH , THIOS IS A BOOK ABOUT EARTHQUAKES, THE WRATH OF GOD IS SEVERE BUT MIGHTY. BUT IT TURNS OUT? THAT THEY LEFT  ROOM BETWEEN THE WORDS FOR THE HOLY SPIRIT, SO THIS BOOK IS NOT ABOUT FAULTS WITH NAMES THAT SOUND LIEK, I DONT KNOW, GREEK OR MEDITERANEAN.

ANYWAY THIS IS A BOOK ABOUT KIDS WHO ARE DYING. IT WAS PRETTY WELL WRITTEN I GUESS. NOT LIKE A POEM OR THAT CHICK TRACT WHERE THE TEENAGER DIES IN A HAUNTED HOUSE FOR NOT HONORING HIS FATHER AND MOTHER, THAT WAS RIVETING. I LIKED THAT THWE KIDS WERE BEING PUNISHED FOR KISSING BEFORE THEY HAD PROMISED THEMSELVES TO GOD ANF FOR GOING TO AMSTERDAM (IT IS A PLACE OF SIN). I DID NOT LIKE THAT THEY WENT TO THERAPY ISNTEAD OF CHURCH.

THE NEXT BOOK I AM REVIEWING IS CALLED "A MARRIAGE OF CONVENIENCE." AT FIRST I THOUGHT IT WOULD BE HARD TO FIND GOOD CHRISTIAN BOOKS THAT WEREN'T BY TYLER PERRY BUT IT TURNS OUT HE MAKES MOVIES ONLY. 

I LIKE A GOOD ROMANCE BOOK LIKE ANY GOD FEARING WOAMN WHO IS MARRIED AND WHOSE HUSBAND IS DEAD. BUT SO MANY OF THE BOOKS FOCUS ON WHOSE BATS ARE GOING INTO WHOSE BASEMENT, IF YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN. THAT IS THE POLITE WAY WE TALK ABOUT WHICH WOMEN WE WOULD BURN IF WHICH TRIALSN WERE STILL ALLOWED. BUT THEY AREN'T SO WE JUST STOP INVITING THEM TO OUR BARBECUES. 

THIS BOOK WAS REAL GOOD AND YOU COULD TELL THAT RIGHT WAWAY. ON THE FIRST PAGE THE AUTHOR PUT IN NO FEWER THAN 5 IMAGES LIKE "MORE OUT OF PLACE THAN A COLORFUL HUMMINGBIRD IN A FLOCK OF CROWS' AND "THE ROOM WAS AS DREARY AND COLD A S A RAINY DECEMBER DAY." THE FIRST ONE WAS GOOD, HOW SHE SAID COLORFUL HUMMINGBIRD, I COULD REALLYU SEE THE HUMMINGBIRD IN MY HEAD AS COLORFUL AND NOT ONE OF THOSE GRAY OR WHITE HUMMINGBIRDS THAT I HAVEN'T SEEN, BECAUSE WE DON'T HAVE THEM WHERE I AM FROM AND ZOOS ARE AN AFFRONT TO THE SACRIFICE NOAH MADE FOR OUR LORD. BUT I DONT HAVE TO GO PLACES OR DO THINGS IF I AM READING WTITING LIKE THIS! THE ONE ABOUT A DECEMBER DAY IS ALSO GOOD BECAUSE ITS VERY CLEAR, YOU KNOW RIGHT AWAY THE BOOK DOESN'T TAKE PLACE SOMEWHERE HOT LIKE THAT AWFUL LIBERAL CALIFORNOA, OR IRAN. ANWAY, I DONT WANT TO SPOIL ANYTHING SO LET'S JUST SAY I GIVE THIS BOOK "TWO THUMBS CLASPED IN PRAYER!"


BE CAREFUL IF YOU GOOGLE SEARCH THE TITLE, THEIR ARE ALOT OF BOOKS WITH THE SAME NAME AND NOT ALL OF THEM ARE CHRISTIAN. ONE OF THEM WAS NOT EVEN A BOOK, IT WAS AN ARTICLE OF SINFUL ADVICE ACCOPMANIED BY THIS PICTURE OF A YOUNG WOMAN MARRYING OUR MOST COMMUNIST PRESIDENT (REST IN PIECE, TEDDY ROOSEVELT)

OK I DIDNT EVEN WANT TO RENEW A NEW BOOK BECAUSE I THOUGHT IT WAS PERFECT TO END ON SOMERHING AS GOOD AS A MARRIAGE OF CONVENIENCE, IT IS NOT GOING TO GET BETTER THAN THAT. I WOULD RATHER STOP WITH THAT AND  WAIT FOR THE LORD TO TAKE ME INTO HIS LOVING ARMS. ALEXIS WAS LIKE LEANNE, WHAT IF THAT DOESNT HAPPEN FOR YEARS? PLUS YOU HABE TO DO THINGS IN THREE, ITS FUNNIER THAT WAY. I SAID "WHAT OF IT IS CELEBRITIES DYING, THAT IS NOT FUNNY " (RIP PATCH ADAM).

SO I REVIEWED "THE GIVER".

THIS IS A BOOK ABOUT A BOY WHO IS VERY OBEDIENT TO SOCIETY AND IS PATIENTLY WAITING TO HEAR WHAT JOB HE WILL HAVE AS A GROWUP. BUT THEN HE IS NOT GIVEN A JOB, HE INSTEAD IS SENT TO STUDY WITH JEFF BRIDGES. 

I LIKED HOW PEACEFUL SOCIETY WAS. IT WAS NICE TO SEE EVERYONE OBEYING GODS LAWS OF HONORING THY MOTHER AND FATHER AT THE DINNER TABLE, AND NTO COVETING THINGS. BUT I THOUGHT THEIR WAS TOO MUCH HOMOSEXUAL TOUCHING. IOT WASNT ROMANTIC, IT WAS JUS THAT JEFF BRIDGES HAD TO PUT HIS HANDS ON THE BOY IN ORDER TO GIVE HIM THE MEMORIES OF SOCIETY. NO KISSIONG OR ANYTHING DISGUSTING LIKE THAT. STILL EVERY DOOR HAS A KNOB AND HOMOSEXUAL TOUCHING IS NO DIFFERENT. THEIR WERE ALOT OF WAYS LOUIS LOWRY COULD HAVE HAD THE BOY GET THE MEMORIES OTHER THAN TOUCHING. TALKING, READING, GUESSING. WHY HE DIDNT JUST HAVE JEFF BRIDGES HAND THE BOY A BIBLE ILL NEVER KNOW, THAT IS WHY I AM A REVIEWIER NOT A WRITER.

I AM GLAD TO SEE JEFF BRIDGES DO WHOLESOME BOOK ENTERTAINMENT FOR ONCE, INSTEAD OF FILTH ABOUT DRINKING WEED AND BOWLING, BUT I SUPPOSE A MAN MUST MAKE A PAYCHECK TO PAY HIS PIPER. STILL, THAT IS AVARICE, AND THAT IS HOW THE DEVIL GETS INSIDE YOUR HEART (SEE: TAXES).