Thank you to the 100-or-so of you who came and checked my blog this weekend to see if I'd posted anything. I have rewarded you with man's greatest achievement: INCONSISTENCY! What, you don't agree that inconsistency is man's greatest achievement? Okay then, go ahead and walk down the same woodsy path day after day after day. When you get eaten by bears - bears who can predict your every move - don't come crying to me. I suppose, however, that if you came crying to me after being eaten by bears, I should be very impressed.
Anyway, blah blah blah, I'm always right. To further reward you for your dedication, I present you with this recipe (adapted from the New York Times blog The Minimalist). Enjoy!
Anyway, blah blah blah, I'm always right. To further reward you for your dedication, I present you with this recipe (adapted from the New York Times blog The Minimalist). Enjoy!
SUMMER PANIC BREAD
3 cups flour
1/4 ounce dry yeast
1.5 teaspoons salt
1.5 cups water
1 shitty hand-me-down laptop
1 significant other
1 apartment (without air conditioning)
1. In a large bow, combine flour, salt, yeast, and water. Stir half-heartedly.
2. Go to cover bowl with plastic wrap as directed.
3. Realize you don't have plastic wrap, only some plastic shopping bags you always feel guilty about using because you never bring your own because you're not spending .99 on a cheap ugly bag that was probably made in China by deformed children so suck it, environment.
4. Angrily rip plastic shopping bag as you would a phone book; cover bowl. Set aside; allow dough and self-esteem to rise.
5. Get antsy. Open shitty laptop and browse blogs. Compare your blog to them.
6. Have significant other ask if you want to go for a walk; make inarticulate but definitively grumpy noise in his direction.
7. Read blogs, Wikipedia articles about serial killers 1-2 hour, allowing laptop battery to overheat.
8. Check dough; sigh.
9. Return to couch; continue dicking around on internet until heat from laptop is too intense. Stand up and declare "IT'S TOO FREAKIN' HOT IN HERE", startling your significant other who trying to skype with his League of Legends buddies.
10. Panic; remove pants.
11. Check dough; sigh.
12. Continue panicking!
13. Return to couch. Place laptop on pantsless lap. If heat from laptop is too hot for bare skin, create a little lap nest from a nearby shirt, pillowcase, or filthy rag.
14. Check dough; scream "IT'S READY!"
15. Place dough on a lightly oiled cookie sheet and slap it around a little bit. Don't get Chris Brown on it or anything; a little Three Stooges action will do. Cover and let sit.
16. Freak out that your hands are covered in dough! Go to wipe hands on pants; remember that YOU AREN'T WEARING ANY PANTS!
17. PANIC
18. RUN HANDS UNDER WATER, SCRUBBING AND SCRUBBING THE STICKY HORRIBLE DOUGH OH GOD DON'T TOUCH ANYTHING
19. SWEAT A LOT
20. REMOVE SHIRT
21. Return to couch. Significant other should ask "Everything ok?" Do not respond.
22. Open laptop to write script, blog entry, important email, etc; pass out for two hours.
23. Check dough. It's done! Scream "IT'S TOO HOT IN HERE!" and open all the windows!
24. Throw dough in dutch oven; giggle.
25. Realize lid is missing; search cabinets until you find something about the right size that most likely won't melt, though you aren't 100% sure, because what are you, a scientist?
26. Oh shit, you were supposed to preheat the dutch oven, right? Ha ha, dutch oven.
27. Bake 30 min at 450 degrees Farenheit; make awesome Kelvin scale joke because what are you, a redneck?
28. OH DEAR GOD YOU THOUGHT IT WAS HOT BEFORE BUT THE HEAT FROM THE OVEN HAS CONVERTED THE APARTMENT FROM SAUNA TO SCORCHED EARTH JESUS CHRIST BRENAN HOW CAN YOU JUST SIT THERE IN PANTS AND NOT FREAK THE HELL OUT
29. Remove lid at 30 min, bake 10-15 more minutes.
30. Eat bread. Take a cold shower.
3 cups flour
1/4 ounce dry yeast
1.5 teaspoons salt
1.5 cups water
1 shitty hand-me-down laptop
1 significant other
1 apartment (without air conditioning)
1. In a large bow, combine flour, salt, yeast, and water. Stir half-heartedly.
2. Go to cover bowl with plastic wrap as directed.
3. Realize you don't have plastic wrap, only some plastic shopping bags you always feel guilty about using because you never bring your own because you're not spending .99 on a cheap ugly bag that was probably made in China by deformed children so suck it, environment.
4. Angrily rip plastic shopping bag as you would a phone book; cover bowl. Set aside; allow dough and self-esteem to rise.
5. Get antsy. Open shitty laptop and browse blogs. Compare your blog to them.
6. Have significant other ask if you want to go for a walk; make inarticulate but definitively grumpy noise in his direction.
7. Read blogs, Wikipedia articles about serial killers 1-2 hour, allowing laptop battery to overheat.
8. Check dough; sigh.
9. Return to couch; continue dicking around on internet until heat from laptop is too intense. Stand up and declare "IT'S TOO FREAKIN' HOT IN HERE", startling your significant other who trying to skype with his League of Legends buddies.
10. Panic; remove pants.
11. Check dough; sigh.
12. Continue panicking!
13. Return to couch. Place laptop on pantsless lap. If heat from laptop is too hot for bare skin, create a little lap nest from a nearby shirt, pillowcase, or filthy rag.
14. Check dough; scream "IT'S READY!"
15. Place dough on a lightly oiled cookie sheet and slap it around a little bit. Don't get Chris Brown on it or anything; a little Three Stooges action will do. Cover and let sit.
16. Freak out that your hands are covered in dough! Go to wipe hands on pants; remember that YOU AREN'T WEARING ANY PANTS!
17. PANIC
18. RUN HANDS UNDER WATER, SCRUBBING AND SCRUBBING THE STICKY HORRIBLE DOUGH OH GOD DON'T TOUCH ANYTHING
19. SWEAT A LOT
20. REMOVE SHIRT
21. Return to couch. Significant other should ask "Everything ok?" Do not respond.
22. Open laptop to write script, blog entry, important email, etc; pass out for two hours.
23. Check dough. It's done! Scream "IT'S TOO HOT IN HERE!" and open all the windows!
24. Throw dough in dutch oven; giggle.
25. Realize lid is missing; search cabinets until you find something about the right size that most likely won't melt, though you aren't 100% sure, because what are you, a scientist?
26. Oh shit, you were supposed to preheat the dutch oven, right? Ha ha, dutch oven.
27. Bake 30 min at 450 degrees Farenheit; make awesome Kelvin scale joke because what are you, a redneck?
28. OH DEAR GOD YOU THOUGHT IT WAS HOT BEFORE BUT THE HEAT FROM THE OVEN HAS CONVERTED THE APARTMENT FROM SAUNA TO SCORCHED EARTH JESUS CHRIST BRENAN HOW CAN YOU JUST SIT THERE IN PANTS AND NOT FREAK THE HELL OUT
29. Remove lid at 30 min, bake 10-15 more minutes.
30. Eat bread. Take a cold shower.
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