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Ten not food items food experts won't eat

6/2/2015

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Are you confused about what to eat? I know I am! One minute experts are telling us that eggs are food and should be eaten, and the next they are saying that paint is bad to drink! Make up your minds, science! 

Even with all of the conflicting information, there are a few non foods that all experts agree are not foods. We asked nutritionists, scientists, doctors, and health experts 'round the world what non-food items they would never eat. 

Ten Not Foods the Food Experts Expertly Won't Eat (Because They Are Experts and These Foods are not Foods)

10. BLEACH
You won't catch a food expert ingesting this common household item! Whether it's a traditional bleach, like sodium hypochlorite, or a trendy, more eco-friendly formula like sodium perborate, bleach is better in the toilet bowl than the salad bowl, say food experts. 

9. STRAWBERRY FIELDS
It sounds so delicious. Strawberry fields... forever? YES, PLEASE! Not so fast, Gustatory Gussie! Surveys show that 10 out of 10 food experts agree that "Strawberry Fields" is a well-known Beatles song, not a food. 

8. KNUCKLE SANDWICH 
Many gluten-free consumers are already avoiding this non-food item due to its affiliation with bread products. Shocking, then, that this non-food item does not contain any bread, gluten-laden or otherwise! Food experts advise that this sandwich is not a sandwich or food of any kind, but a clever nickname for a punch* in the face. 
*not the drinkable kind of punch

7. THE CONCEPT OF INFINITY
With the omnipresence of all-you-can-eat buffets, it's easier than ever to "overdo it" at mealtime. But even if you go back to fill up your plate every minute of every day for the rest of your life, say experts, you won't be eating the concept of infinity. Food experts describe this non-food as "mathematically impossible" and "a concept, not a food."

6. NUTS (the metal kind)
Nuts, such as almonds, cashews, and walnuts, are an important source of healthy fats. That's why most experts recommend that nuts be consumed in moderation as part of a healthy diet. Would you believe, then, that no expert would be caught dead putting metal nuts on his or her salad?!? It's true! These nuts are made of metal and  are not food, and therefore are not recommended in moderation as part of a healthy diet. 

5. A HANDFUL OF WISHES, A POCKET FULL OF DREAMS
These items may be digestible as terrible names for blog posts or trite song lyrics, but experts agree: these non-food intangibles are devoid of nutrients and difficult to consume for energy.

4. SOY BUTT
Diet experts may disagree on whether soy is a suitable meat substitute or an allergy-triggering hormone disruptor. However, experts universally state that soy butt is not only a non-food, but also a thing that doesn't actually exist. 

3. GAPE JUICE
Trendy diet fads constantly claim breakthrough methods to help you lose weight. Be warned, say diet experts: dropping arbitrary letters from "grape juice" will not cut calories or help you lose weight. While technically still a food, because it is just grape juice with the letter R scratched out on the label,  "gape juice" is not recommended by food experts. Also to be avoided: Grape Jice, Ape Jui. 

2. THE PUERTO RICAN FLAG
Before you celebrate Natalicio de Eugenio María de Hostos with a heaping plate of the Puerto Rican flag, keep in mind that food experts do not consider this item a food and that consuming it is viewed as disrespectful. Eating the Puerto Rican flag is not recommended. 


1. ARBY'S

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