Guys, I don't have to tell you that the majority of information contained in history books is lies, lies, lies. All Teapot Dome Scandal this, Surrender at Appomattox that, and yet not a single mention of HIStory: Past, Present and Future, Book I. It's the greatest non-criminal conspiracy since New Coke!
Flip any standard history textbook open to any page, point your finger at some words, and you'll be soaking your finger-oilies all over total bullshit. Just take a look at the roster of famous history majors: Katharine Hepburn, Edward Norton, Ellen Barkin. Those actors don't even play the same people from movie to movie! You know who else was a history major? RICHARD M. NIXON! And you know who else? PINOCCHIO, I THINK. And you know who else? You know my Aunt Louise, who always RSVPs that she's coming to things but then backs out at the last minute and always has some flimsy excuse about the car being broken, or how sick she's feeling cough cough? HER!
So when you want to know what happened and when it happened, to whom do you go to for information That's right: TO ME! Right here on THIS VERY BLOG! I'm a gutsy outsider, taking on the history major establishment one fact at a time. Today I'll be schooly d-ing you in the history of one of America's favorite foods: PIZZA!
Flip any standard history textbook open to any page, point your finger at some words, and you'll be soaking your finger-oilies all over total bullshit. Just take a look at the roster of famous history majors: Katharine Hepburn, Edward Norton, Ellen Barkin. Those actors don't even play the same people from movie to movie! You know who else was a history major? RICHARD M. NIXON! And you know who else? PINOCCHIO, I THINK. And you know who else? You know my Aunt Louise, who always RSVPs that she's coming to things but then backs out at the last minute and always has some flimsy excuse about the car being broken, or how sick she's feeling cough cough? HER!
So when you want to know what happened and when it happened, to whom do you go to for information That's right: TO ME! Right here on THIS VERY BLOG! I'm a gutsy outsider, taking on the history major establishment one fact at a time. Today I'll be schooly d-ing you in the history of one of America's favorite foods: PIZZA!
This cat knows history. This cat IS history.
THE UNAUTHORIZED HISTORY OF PIZZA
To accurately tell the story of pizza, we have to travel way, way back to a time when dinosaurs roamed the earth. I know what you're thinking. You're thinking, "What the hell do dinosaurs have to do with pizza? Well, I would tell you what they have to do with pizza- IF YOU WOULD JUST LISTEN! Man, you're impatient! You must be a real BEAR to be stuck in traffic with! And by that, I mean you're angry, confused, and covered in honey and bee stings!
The dinosaurs were a diverse group of animals of the clade Dinosauria. They were the dominant terrestrial vertebrates for 165 million years. Distinguishing anatomical features of the group include a supratemporal fossa, epipophyses present in anterior neck vertebrae, and a distinct proximodistally-oriented ridge present on the posterior face of the distal end of the tibia. They evolved from their archosaur ancestors approximately 230 million years ago during the Triassic period and diverged into the ecological niches left behind as species died out in the Triassic-Jurassic extinction events.
Dinosaurs have always been an extremely varied group of animals; according to a 2006 study, over 500 non-avialan dinosaur genera have been identified with certainty so far, and the total number of genera preserved in the fossil record has been estimated at around 1850, nearly 75% of which remain to be discovered. An earlier study predicted that about 3400 dinosaur genera existed, including many which would not have been preserved in the fossil record. By September 17, 2008, 1047 different species of dinosaurs had been named. Some are herbivorous, others carnivorous. While most dinosaurs have been bipeds, some prehistoric species were quadrupeds, and others, such as Ammosaurus and Iguanadon, could walk just as easily on two or four legs. Cranial modifications like horns and crests are common among dinosaurs, and some extinct species had bony armor. Although known for large size, many Mesozoic dinosaurs were human-sized or smaller, and modern birds are generally very small in size. Dinosaurs today inhabit every continents, and fossils show that they had achieved global distribution by at least the early Jurassic period. Modern birds inhabit most available habitats, from terrestrial to marine, and there is evidence that some non-avialan dinosaurs could fly or at least glide, and others had semi-aquatic habits.
Scientists use computer modeling, biomechanics, and cross-species comparison to generate theories about how dinosaurs behaved or what they ate. Research at numerous fossil excavation sites has shown that many species had the wide, dull teeth for the crushing and grinding of tough, fibrous plants, and the broad, flat feet necessary for the stomping of ripe tomatoes to make a-delicious a-spicy dino-saurce. HA HA HA WOOOOOSH I MADE YOU READ ALL THAT FOR A TERRIBLE PUN WORRRRRTH IT
Anyway, pizza was invented in 1642 by an Italian stereotype named Michaelangelo Hotpocket. He would have invented it sooner but he was too busy painting a scene from the bible on the ceiling of his oven. His next door neighbor Leonardo de Pizza, who was jealous and covered in honey and bee stings, crushed his head with a heavy rock and took all the credit.
THE END
The dinosaurs were a diverse group of animals of the clade Dinosauria. They were the dominant terrestrial vertebrates for 165 million years. Distinguishing anatomical features of the group include a supratemporal fossa, epipophyses present in anterior neck vertebrae, and a distinct proximodistally-oriented ridge present on the posterior face of the distal end of the tibia. They evolved from their archosaur ancestors approximately 230 million years ago during the Triassic period and diverged into the ecological niches left behind as species died out in the Triassic-Jurassic extinction events.
Dinosaurs have always been an extremely varied group of animals; according to a 2006 study, over 500 non-avialan dinosaur genera have been identified with certainty so far, and the total number of genera preserved in the fossil record has been estimated at around 1850, nearly 75% of which remain to be discovered. An earlier study predicted that about 3400 dinosaur genera existed, including many which would not have been preserved in the fossil record. By September 17, 2008, 1047 different species of dinosaurs had been named. Some are herbivorous, others carnivorous. While most dinosaurs have been bipeds, some prehistoric species were quadrupeds, and others, such as Ammosaurus and Iguanadon, could walk just as easily on two or four legs. Cranial modifications like horns and crests are common among dinosaurs, and some extinct species had bony armor. Although known for large size, many Mesozoic dinosaurs were human-sized or smaller, and modern birds are generally very small in size. Dinosaurs today inhabit every continents, and fossils show that they had achieved global distribution by at least the early Jurassic period. Modern birds inhabit most available habitats, from terrestrial to marine, and there is evidence that some non-avialan dinosaurs could fly or at least glide, and others had semi-aquatic habits.
Scientists use computer modeling, biomechanics, and cross-species comparison to generate theories about how dinosaurs behaved or what they ate. Research at numerous fossil excavation sites has shown that many species had the wide, dull teeth for the crushing and grinding of tough, fibrous plants, and the broad, flat feet necessary for the stomping of ripe tomatoes to make a-delicious a-spicy dino-saurce. HA HA HA WOOOOOSH I MADE YOU READ ALL THAT FOR A TERRIBLE PUN WORRRRRTH IT
Anyway, pizza was invented in 1642 by an Italian stereotype named Michaelangelo Hotpocket. He would have invented it sooner but he was too busy painting a scene from the bible on the ceiling of his oven. His next door neighbor Leonardo de Pizza, who was jealous and covered in honey and bee stings, crushed his head with a heavy rock and took all the credit.
THE END
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