The modern gal's guide to dying alone

Oh boy, it's Monday! That means it's the start of another work week. It's also the start of another week in which you go home, alone, to your empty apartment and fantasize about your own funeral over a microwave Smart Ones! Is someone playing the only Talking Heads song you know, because "How Did You Get Here?!?"

Climb down from your bridges, ladies, and get those guns out of your mouth! You don't want to get lip gloss on the barrel! You are a strong, independent, bloated, modern woman. You know this because articles in women-themed magazines tell you so. So what if you haven't found your prince charming? You've found something better: the meaninglessness of all existence such that any and all acquisitions like "love" or "successful relationships" now seem irrelevant in the grand scheme of our infinite, dying universe.  Work your sadness like a divaaaaaaa!

Here's a list of RED HOTTE (tm) tips on how to make the most of your inconsequential time on this earth, during which you will suffer greatly before succumbing to mortality in desperate solitude. So grab your appletinis and your razor blades, and read this red-hot list so that this red-hot list is read!

1. TRY A MASK

And no, we don't mean the false self you present to others in an effort to hide your existential angst! Give your face a break from all that pretending and whip up a homemade relaxation  mask. We like the following:
 
1 cup low-fat Greek yogurt, YES low-fat and YES Greek; you're not dead yet, girl! 
1 tablespoon honey
2 teaspoons himalayan pink salt crystals
1 bathrobe

Pour ingredients into a blender. Pulse for 30 seconds, then rest hands on counter and feel the weight of your own self-criticism. Pulse 30 more sec. Curl up on kitchen floor and cry until sunrise. Serves 1. 


2. PICK OUT THE SHOES YOU WILL BE BURIED IN 

There is one thing that every single magazine, movie, sitcom, sketch parody, stand-up comic, and morning radio personality has gotten correct: Every woman LOVES shoes. EVERY SINGLE ONE. In fact, the only thing keeping most gals tethered to this mortal coil is the opportunity to buy more SHOOOOOES! Convert those Converse-cravings into a committal conversation piece. Choose a pair that flatters your personality: flats for a sensible, Sylvia- Plath quoting pessimist; black stilettos for the workaholic masking a crippling fear of inadequacy. For the clinically depressed suburban mother experimenting with an eating disorder: a summery pair of espadrilles. 

3. SPORT A "FLAT AFFECT" TO MATCH YOUR "FLAT BELLY"!

Don't reach for the cupcakes yet, girl: there are still a few weeks left of bikini season! If you're looking for a bold twist on the beach babe look to help you make it through the summer or at least one more day, just one more unending day, we got you covered like a sarong! Ha ha, simile! Anyway, pair your bodacious bod with an inability to experience either highs or lows of any kind. Bonus: numbing your emotions will help curb your raging appetite by making tastes, smells, colors, and life generally unappealing!


4. PUT ON SOME MUSIC!

Try Joy Division's Unknown Pleasures, Portishead's Dummy, or the cassette tape I made in 6th grade that's just REM's "Everybody Hurts" over and over (both sides).