Exercise: it's everywhere! Doctors are constantly yammering about the importance of incorporating strength training into your cardio routine. TV commercial announcers noisily hawk the latest in high-technology equipment. Even as we speak, people are jogging down the streets of various towns with impunity. Any one of these charlatans would, if given the opportunity, talk to you endlessly about the so-called benefits of exercise. But has any one of them ever been honest about the inevitable TERRIBLE CONSEQUENCES?!?!?
Side effects include resemblance to a young Jennifer Connelly with a jaw disfigurement; general douchery
I, for one, have had it up to here with these j-holes giving just one side of the coin- a coin they probably used to decide which of their exercise-addicted sports teams would kick the sports ball first. So before you decide to put down that jar of mayonnaise and pick up that frozen ham (for lifting purposes, stupid! Not for eating!), consider sitting on your dumb flabby butt for just a few moments more. Read on and consider thee FOREWARNED!!!
I Googled "exercise is horrifying" and I swear to god this is what came up
TERRIBLE CONSEQUENCE #1:
Strangers will talk to you
Man, if there's one thing people who exercise do, it's go to the gym. Gyms are notorious festering grounds for the vicious social disease of NotShuttingtheFuckUpitis. Every blowhard in a tank top is drawn to their local gym like so many sweaty moths to a stinky, humid flame. "Oh hey man, how many reps?" they'll want to know. And at first you'll answer "435, apportioned to the states by population" with a withering glance, then return to blocking out the world with your RadioLab podcast (ps: you're kind of an asshole). But soon, you'll look that beefcake in the eye and say "Ten twelves, bro. You got the new A Dark Halo album yet?"
Don't let the virginal white fool you. Gretchen Carlson can bench 225 with just her pubococcygeus.
TERRIBLE CONSEQUENCE #2
You will start believing that "Enhanced water" is a thing you need
Back in the day, people used to have get real inventive-like about their snake-oils and cure-alls: activated charcoal, camphor, turpentine, cocaine, tiger penis, and actual snake oil all showed up in various health concoctions. But that was back in the days before famous dorkwad Louis Pasteur made scientific history and isolated the ability to make a lot of money being social poison. Ha ha, just kidding. He invented microbes, or something, and we all learned that sneezes weren't the devil trying to vacuum your soul out of your body and whathaveyou.
What I'm getting at: we should know better. We know about germ theory. We have the scientific method. We understand the process of generating testable hypotheses to examine theories of the working world around us. So we should totally get that enhanced waters and vitamin waters and power waters and sports waters and performance waters and wienergrow waters and Maxine Waters are USELESS. Ha ha, SWOOSH! Seriously though, all those dumb things in your water are dumb. I mean, as if bottled water weren't ridiculous enough. How far off are we from bottling air and selling it to rich idiots? I can see it now: "NEW: Evian Dry! Drinking without the Wet".
Anyway, now that you're exercising, you're going to start purchasing this stuff not because you are a dumb ape who impulsively grabs at the most colorful shit on the shelf (I've been there, brother), but because you are an idiotic ape who thinks you need vitamins to help you sport around better. Try running a 4.5 40 with diabetes, stupid.
You will start believing that "Enhanced water" is a thing you need
Back in the day, people used to have get real inventive-like about their snake-oils and cure-alls: activated charcoal, camphor, turpentine, cocaine, tiger penis, and actual snake oil all showed up in various health concoctions. But that was back in the days before famous dorkwad Louis Pasteur made scientific history and isolated the ability to make a lot of money being social poison. Ha ha, just kidding. He invented microbes, or something, and we all learned that sneezes weren't the devil trying to vacuum your soul out of your body and whathaveyou.
What I'm getting at: we should know better. We know about germ theory. We have the scientific method. We understand the process of generating testable hypotheses to examine theories of the working world around us. So we should totally get that enhanced waters and vitamin waters and power waters and sports waters and performance waters and wienergrow waters and Maxine Waters are USELESS. Ha ha, SWOOSH! Seriously though, all those dumb things in your water are dumb. I mean, as if bottled water weren't ridiculous enough. How far off are we from bottling air and selling it to rich idiots? I can see it now: "NEW: Evian Dry! Drinking without the Wet".
Anyway, now that you're exercising, you're going to start purchasing this stuff not because you are a dumb ape who impulsively grabs at the most colorful shit on the shelf (I've been there, brother), but because you are an idiotic ape who thinks you need vitamins to help you sport around better. Try running a 4.5 40 with diabetes, stupid.
What.
TERRIBLE CONSEQUENCE #3
You perpetuate the existence of exercise-themed stock photography.
Stock photography is a blight upon our nation, and the worst offender by far is exercise. Google image search results featuring the term "exercise" are approximately 60% modestly attractive people in grey tank tops smiling and bending over exercise balls. Another 25% are of seniors having a great time lifting weights and forgetting the names of their grandchildren. Adding the word "horrifying" changes the proportions a bit, but not by much.
What of the remaining 15%? Stock photography is but a gateway drug to one of the internet's greatest visual crimes. Where stock photography goes, clip-art follows closely behind like an inbred cousin being towed along to the grocery store tied to an extension cord (because he always manages to chew through the rope). Do not feed these monsters, America. Do not exercise.
You perpetuate the existence of exercise-themed stock photography.
Stock photography is a blight upon our nation, and the worst offender by far is exercise. Google image search results featuring the term "exercise" are approximately 60% modestly attractive people in grey tank tops smiling and bending over exercise balls. Another 25% are of seniors having a great time lifting weights and forgetting the names of their grandchildren. Adding the word "horrifying" changes the proportions a bit, but not by much.
What of the remaining 15%? Stock photography is but a gateway drug to one of the internet's greatest visual crimes. Where stock photography goes, clip-art follows closely behind like an inbred cousin being towed along to the grocery store tied to an extension cord (because he always manages to chew through the rope). Do not feed these monsters, America. Do not exercise.
FUCK THIS SHIT
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