"But Alexis," you say. "You're only as old as you feel." Yeah yeah yeah, I know the saying, Hippie Longstocking. Why don't you go and jam around on your Bong drums? The sad fact is that I feel old. Sure, I'm at the peak of my physical hotness. A cursory glance at photos from grandpa-pants high school phase and my "I'll cut and bleach my own damn hair, SOCIETY" college years will tell you as much. I'm talking about a bizarre pattern in my mental state that can only be described as senior-ly. Take a gander at these examples:
- Yells at inanimate objects that "aren't cooperating"
- Loves embroidered sweaters with cats unironically
- Uses stairs just fine, but still has phobia of falling and tearing a knee
- Uses the word "gander" in a blog post
- BAKES COOKIES
That is hella old people behavior, people! Next thing you know I'll be writing typewritten letters to the cast and crew of Matlock! And that show hasn't been on in 17 years. That show's absence from television is old enough to be a shitty, over-indulged teenager whose parents paid $175 an hour for SAT tutoring, but he still skips the exam to go to Coachella. THAT'S HOW OLD THAT SHOW ISSSSSS!
Suddenly, the kitchen doors swung open. The waiter came running out, apologies falling out of his mouth faster than the hit single "What Makes You Beautiful" rose to the top of the charts. "I'm so sorry!" he said. "We at Denny's pride ourselves on providing timely, affordable service and... Harry?"
Harry looked up, using his adorable neck to change the angle at which his head was held and then support its weight. The waiter looked familiar...OMIGOSH!
"ZAYNE?" cried Harry. Like, he literally cried. Water fell right out of his face. When he saw Zayne wearing a Denny's nametag that said "Grand Slam- Your Way!", his face got so wet with sadness. "What are you doing here? When you said you were leaving to tour America, I didn't think you meant Denny's Tour of America Menu. SOB!" he sobbed (handsomely).
Zayne cried also. "Harry, I didn't think I meant it either. But I was so mad at you after we fought over that one girl. Remember the one?"
"That ordinary-looking teenage girl who claimed she was our biggest fan?"
"YES! Her!" Zayne said. "I loved her very much. And when she chose you, it broke my heart so bad that I had to leave. I made up a story about going on a solo tour. But the truth is..." he paused to wipe a teat away from his eye and a remnant hunk of Moons Over My Hammy from his cheek."... I'm nothing without you guys!"
Suddenly, Harry hugged! And all the rest of the One Direction band showed up, and they had a concert in the Denny's, or something. Then Alexis went to bed and dreamed about getting plenty of fiber.