Guys, we need a show about inventing stuff. For serious. We'd call it Funvention Korner. We would deliberately misspell "corner" so as to prove how much fun is being had. Corners with a "c" are not fun. You who hangs out on "c"orners? Losers. You know what gets sold on "c"orners? Newspapers. You know how "c"orners are formed? THROUGH BORING, TEDIOUS PARLIAMENTARY PROCEEDINGS. And not the kind of Parliament you're hoping it is, neither. I know, George. I know.
0 Comments
What up America! After a long and awesome Friday night run with the fabulous Popular Science, I've been cast on the iO West mainstage team BANDIT. The team has been together a couple of years, and I'm thrilled and honored to join them.
My first show with the new team is Tuesday, November 22nd at 10pm. We're sharing the slot with The Cartel. It's guaranteed to be a fun night of stealing your hearts and smuggling your laughter across international borders at gunpoint! Mary Worth is America's Oldest Sweetheart, hands down. Everyone's all up in Betty White's panties, but I think it's time to give Mary her proper dues. Betty is fantastic, I'm not denying that. And she does have a certain 3-dimensional, respirational quality to her that sets her apart. You need those kind of traits to be n Golden Girls or run a pet appreciation society. But to those who say the SNL hosting gig must go to living, breathing, nonfictional people, I say FIE! Mary, there is not an SNL sketch in recent memory that couldn't be improved by a picture of your matronly visage.
That's why I was a little surprised by today's Mary Worth. It's... pretty raw. Guys, I'm not saying that medical science is occasionally ridiculous. I'm not saying that at all. But apparently, a few years back, the brainiacs over at Johns Nerdkins University* published a report that chewing gum after surgery can totally help your butt out. They probably like, said it differently or whatever. Let's check the summary: "Chewing gum triggers the same reflex as eating, stimulating gastrointestinal hormones connected with bowel activity." Yeah, just like I said! *University name may be approximate, contain tree nuts I'm not sure why I found this story so fascinating. I mean, there's the undeniable fact that this article is under the umbrella of Butts, and so that's always hard to ignore. Is there anything more hilarious than butts? Why don't we ask THIS guy? I suppose my fascination with this story stems from the fact that I've always wanted to walk up to any one of the multitudes of people chewing gum on any given day and let them know how sweetly they are treating their colon. Now, I have the data to back it up. Hooray science!
|
Categories
All
Archives
January 2016
AuthorWorks on contingency? No! Money down! |