If you're just catching up (and who isn't in this crazy work-a-day world), I am constantly offering you, John Q Internet, informative tips on how to coolness. Coolnessing and how to do it are chronicled in my multi-part series "How to Coolness." How many parts are there in the series? I thought you'd never ask! No really, I thought you'd never ask and so I didn't make a plan. Oops! I mean, I planned the entire series out very carefully and am working on a multi-billion dollar book deal as we speak! Note to you, the reader: Do not point out the fact that "multi-part" is implied by "series".
When you see the jumping cat, you'll know what to do. And that's read more after.. THE JUMP!
When you see the jumping cat, you'll know what to do. And that's read more after.. THE JUMP!
Coolness Lesson #3: Side-by-side comparison of Coolness versus Uncoolness at a Hollywood 7-11
Previous lessons have included real world case studies in how to coolness. However, today's lesson is special because it offers simultaneous instruction in coolness and NOT coolness in order to maximize learning. Also it is going to be in a quiz format, so feel free to print this page out on your work printer and circle the correct answers.
A. COOL OR NOT COOL? Go to 7-11 to buy a lotto ticket wearing your finest acid-washed denim shorteralls and a gigantic wad of gauze taped to your leg. Is it to cover a shin gash, an eczema sore, your brand new tattoo of former WWE Diva Chyna? Hug the 7-11 employee and ask about his day. Pour yourself a cup of coffee and bask in the glow of 7-11's fluorescent lighting as it bounces of your chemically treated hair. Who says you need to be a swimmer to have that "I'm gettting bleached out by swimming pool chemicals look? Try not to spill any premium roast coffee on your glittery platform flip-flops resplendent with butterfly decor. They laughed when a 50-something purchased shoes in the Junior Miss department, but who's laughing now? Spend several minutes at the coffee counter bitching about prescription meds and how coffee lids are hard to put on. Buy your coffee, your lotto ticket, and another lighter. Go meet your "friend" in the parking lot.
B. COOL OR NOT COOL? Go to 7-11 to "bank" wearing jeans that you wish were pajamas and hole-ridden shoes that you refuse to throw out on principle. Pass by a ...woman? in the parking lot holding two dogs. It is probably a woman, it is kind of hard to tell, but notice that she is kind of staring at you. Buy a package of crappy duplex cookies and a Big Gulp so you can break your $20 and pay your friend the 6 bucks you owe him. Look up and see that Parking Lot Pat is definitely stone cold starin' at you right through the glass; pretend not to notice. Then notice a 50-something woman in acid-washed denim shorteralls and shoes that she might have stolen off of a dead middle schooler. Also, what the hell happened to her leg? Pray for the courage to take her photo with your cell phone or the ninja-like dexterity to take such a photo on the sly. Summon neither. Step up to the counter to pay for your dumb soda and loser cookies, get a little anxious when people start crowding the counter. Can't they see you still need to put your ones and fives back in your wallet in the right order so BACK OFF??!!! Head to car hoping that Parking Lot Pat isn't still standing there. She is.
ANSWER KEY soon, but first things first! In the last entry, I speculated that the next entry would contain a dog dressed like a werewolf. Since keeping promises is cool, here is me keeping my promise:
Previous lessons have included real world case studies in how to coolness. However, today's lesson is special because it offers simultaneous instruction in coolness and NOT coolness in order to maximize learning. Also it is going to be in a quiz format, so feel free to print this page out on your work printer and circle the correct answers.
A. COOL OR NOT COOL? Go to 7-11 to buy a lotto ticket wearing your finest acid-washed denim shorteralls and a gigantic wad of gauze taped to your leg. Is it to cover a shin gash, an eczema sore, your brand new tattoo of former WWE Diva Chyna? Hug the 7-11 employee and ask about his day. Pour yourself a cup of coffee and bask in the glow of 7-11's fluorescent lighting as it bounces of your chemically treated hair. Who says you need to be a swimmer to have that "I'm gettting bleached out by swimming pool chemicals look? Try not to spill any premium roast coffee on your glittery platform flip-flops resplendent with butterfly decor. They laughed when a 50-something purchased shoes in the Junior Miss department, but who's laughing now? Spend several minutes at the coffee counter bitching about prescription meds and how coffee lids are hard to put on. Buy your coffee, your lotto ticket, and another lighter. Go meet your "friend" in the parking lot.
B. COOL OR NOT COOL? Go to 7-11 to "bank" wearing jeans that you wish were pajamas and hole-ridden shoes that you refuse to throw out on principle. Pass by a ...woman? in the parking lot holding two dogs. It is probably a woman, it is kind of hard to tell, but notice that she is kind of staring at you. Buy a package of crappy duplex cookies and a Big Gulp so you can break your $20 and pay your friend the 6 bucks you owe him. Look up and see that Parking Lot Pat is definitely stone cold starin' at you right through the glass; pretend not to notice. Then notice a 50-something woman in acid-washed denim shorteralls and shoes that she might have stolen off of a dead middle schooler. Also, what the hell happened to her leg? Pray for the courage to take her photo with your cell phone or the ninja-like dexterity to take such a photo on the sly. Summon neither. Step up to the counter to pay for your dumb soda and loser cookies, get a little anxious when people start crowding the counter. Can't they see you still need to put your ones and fives back in your wallet in the right order so BACK OFF??!!! Head to car hoping that Parking Lot Pat isn't still standing there. She is.
ANSWER KEY soon, but first things first! In the last entry, I speculated that the next entry would contain a dog dressed like a werewolf. Since keeping promises is cool, here is me keeping my promise:
Now, on with the answer key!
ANSWER KEY: If you said COOL for A and NOT COOL for B, you are wrong! So if you said NOT COOL for A and COOL for B, you are also wrong! Ha ha, trick question! The answer to both A and B is "Nuts to this, show me another picture of Teen Wolf Pug."
Okay!
ANSWER KEY: If you said COOL for A and NOT COOL for B, you are wrong! So if you said NOT COOL for A and COOL for B, you are also wrong! Ha ha, trick question! The answer to both A and B is "Nuts to this, show me another picture of Teen Wolf Pug."
Okay!
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